north dakota: your new wild, wild west pt.i

A few days ago, North Dakota’s House passed a bill that would change, well, pretty much everything . .

North Dakota’s House of Representatives has passed a bill effectively outlawing abortion. The House voted 51-41 this afternoon to declare that a fertilized egg has all the rights of any person.

[Rep. Dan Ruby, -R- Minot] also sponsored today’s bill and says it is compatable[sic] with Roe versus Wade – the Supreme Court decision which legalized abortion. “This is the exact language that’s required by Roe vs. Wade. It stipulated that before a challenge can be made, we have to identify when life begins, and that’s what this does.”

Oh, it does a helluva lot more than that, believe me. Since I am a Tiny Biology Guy, it’s readily apparent to me there are all sorts of new realities that are about to dawn upon ‘The Dakota State That Does Not Have Mount Rushmore.’ Once you’ve accepted that fertilized eggs are actually living people, you’ve really mixed the pot: I looked up a few statistics (no, I won’t link back to them all, I’d never get this post out), crunched a few numbers, and…hoo boy!

Hold on to your hats folks, because North Dakota is about to become the wildest western state ever

North Dakota, new birth capital of America: And how. Let’s side-step the penalty implementations of the law, which has not yet been ruled ‘constitutional’, and just look at some recent statistics to predict where North Dakota would end up on its new reproductive scale. Starting with a recent yearly statistic (2006), we can predict North Dakota will see 8,621 ‘live births’ (how quaint) this year, congratulations everyone. But, oh how the bean counters miscalculate: you’ve got all those ‘births’ they used to ignore.

From national clinical abortion rates, pro-rated for the population, they’ll also have around another 5,523 they can count. But don’t stop there, any fertilized egg is alive, right? You’ll have to take in the spontaneous abortion rate, which is pretty high, hitting between one-fifth and two-thirds of all ‘births’ before the twelfth week of ‘life’, and wow. Let’s peg it on the conservative side of the-likely-viable-old-fashioney-birth-stuff above, one-third, and you’ve got…(8,621 + 5,523) x 3/2 = 21,216. Now comes the hard part, other mechanisms of miscounting ‘life’: still births, miscarriages, medically necessary procedures, abortifacient RU-486, the morning-after pill, the regular-old Pill (too), IUDs (prevent implantation)…on and on and on. It’s very difficult to guess how many ‘births’ are usually missed here, it could easily dwarf our number so far. Let’s just be cautious and add on another one-third, to get 31,824.

Well, that is an impressive number, for sure. Considering that there are only around 640,000 people in North Dakota, that is some strapping fecundity. The typical yearly birth rate for the United states is around 16-17 per 1,000 people, but that rate is around…49.72, santa maria. That’s gotta put them way out of America’s league, that’s more like All-Planet.

Let’s see. Hmm, in the entire world, North Dakota is now…

Countries with the Highest Birth Rates

Country Birth rate
1. Niger………………48.91
2. Uganda…………..47.45
3. Mali………………..47.29
4. Afghanistan…….47.27
5. Chad……………….46.50
6. Somalia…………..46.04
7. Angola…………….45.14
8. Liberia…………….44.81
9. D. R. Congo……..44.73
10. Burkina Faso…44.46

…NUMBER ONE! Congratulations, North Dakota, human factory of the freaking planet! Niger, Uganda, Mali . . that is some heady company there.