I take off my beret to you, Conservative Columbos. I wish I could say it was all a misunderstanding on your part, it was just your indulging a fitful imagination, you and your ‘crazy talk.’ I would have loved to pull out an old chestnut like that one, but, look, you’ve just got us beat.
It’s time that we did what we never, ever do–tell the truth. And that is this: you have us cold. Yes, we did it. We were trying to damage you. We were trying to embarrass you. We were trying to knock down your nation, the United States of America. And, in so doing, we were hiding the shocking truths about our sordid political ambitions and lives from getting out into the world where horrified Americans would recoil at our hanging around, asses stuffed with balloons of heroin, wallets spilling over with kiddie porn and all. But you found us out, and you exposed us, and you put a stop to our best-laid plans to tear this nation apart. We, after poring over the broken pieces, would be assembling Iranian centrifuges with the remains right about now.
But first, there was the “Stop The Charlie Brown Christmas Special and its Christian Wholesomeness” project. As you know, Charles Schulz’s animated transformation of The Living Bible is a ringing endorsement of the Republican Party, so we figured we’d do something about it.
And we did: we contacted the White House to coordinate an attack on its airing. The President himself decided that he’d schedule a needless speech, at some place like West Point, addressing some odd thing like the War in Afghanistan, opposite the cartoon special in order to get the networks to pre-empt it, blacking the Conservative sermon out.
Yeah, but didn’t you see through that quickly? Republican stalwart and not-at-all-ironically named Mayor of Arlington, Tennessee, Russell Wiseman, called it immediately.
“Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load…..try to convince me that wasn’t done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation about it….w…hen the answer should simply be ‘yes’….”
DAMN YOU, Wiseman, you’re a pest. You Jesus protecting Sonuvabitch. We’d only begun to explore the possibility of staggering the speech’s TV broadcasts across time zones in order to block Charlie Brown nationwide, instead of only on the eastern seaboard. We thought we’d just start by annoying the Peanuts faithful in Tennessee, but Russell was too smart for that. We’ll remember this, buddy.
“…you obama people need to move to a muslim country…oh wait, that’s America….pitiful.”
AAAUUGH–Wiseman again, throwing darts right between our eyes. Yes, we’ve turned your America into a filthy Muslim coven, now, for the love of Saddam, stop mentioning it.
That was bad enough, but then you all figured out this one, too: we have been bastardizing Google. We’ve had our filthy Lucy-diddling fingers all over the innernets’ most famous search engine.
We just couldn’t stand the way you’ve been knocking down our pet projects, one by one, by getting our secrets out on the web. Your writers, pols, and, especially, your bloggers have been frankly too intuitive and too quick for us to handle.
So we knew we had to corrupt the Googly. We called up the proprietors, whoever the hell they are, and told them that searches for popular right-wing terms had to get jerked around from now on. And they said “Well, we are a pioneering internet company, thus, we enjoy the butt sex. Done!”
But only minutes after our “TripleX/Gomorrah/QueryBang 1.0” program launched, the whole scheme got exposed:
“…So it took an anonymous tipster to set me off on a brewing bit of fraud going in in the Google search service: They are ham-handedly altering the suggested search terms in order to promote a coverup of ‘Climategate.’…
But Google wants us to believe nobody is searching for Climategate despite it being such a big story, but I have evidence that it’s merely a coverup for political purposes.
My evidence is in the behavior of the feature itself. Watch what happens if you type in Climatega, nearly typing in the entire word Climategate:
Well that’s odd. Nobody’s searching for climategate at all. But wait: It’s not showing me words that start with Climatega. Rather, it’s showing me words that start with Climategua. Seems like a bug, right? Like those letters got pointed to the wrong place, almost.
Let’s back it up a letter and type in Climateg…
…still no climategate. Let’s back up another letter:
Well what do we have here? Climate gate scandal. Oops. They erased climategate but didn’t erase climate gate. Somebody did an incomplete job of sending the story down the memory hole. Too bad, so sad. You are exposed, Google. People are trying to get to the truth, but Google is actively trying to hide that fact.”
CURSE YOUR HIDE, Neil Stevens. Your insight into a billion dollar proprietary mystery, how Google’s search algorithms work and generate auto-suggestions, blew the scheme. And the plan was fatally flawed for forgetting that all the ‘climategate’ links could still be found by spunky improvisation: typing ‘climate gate‘. How embarrassing, we are so stupid. I can’t believe our web provocateurs botched that so badly.
In fact, I’m completely amazed that anyone could have ever uncovered the botching, seeing as how typing out every letter of ‘climategate’ is useless when it’s the second most popular suggestion once you get past ‘t’. The first ‘t’. But for those wonky individuals bent on typing out almost the whole term, then stopping, then waiting for the auto-suggestions, then being too terrified to click ‘Search’ when those don’t match, it was perhaps devastatingly effective.
Seriously, that was a lot of hard work you guys unfortunately trashed. And you might ask why, given all the difficulties in trying to pull off a stunt like that, especially in the face of such partisan genius, why we thought we could get away with it. Why would we bother with such an elaborate ruse, the Googly ‘gag’?
We simply had no choice. You’d finally blown the top off the Conspiracy of All Conspiracies, the crown-jewel con of them all. You indefatigable whackjobs, always digging and digging, you shoveled the whole thing up and over your shoulders, into the light of day, and it was only a matter of time until a glimpse of it ended Democrats for all time.
Here I am, about to stone cold confess, to bowl the whole world over with a giant, hoary ball of truth: global warming…is a hoax. That’s right. Yeah, you swore you were on to it the entire time, and you were right. The damned ‘climategate’ correspondence you filched definitively pulled the curtain down, and we’ve been panicking all this time, trying clumsily to prevent the fatal evidence from being parsed online.
The whole song and dance, the polar bears dying, the ice caps evaporating, the glaciers in Glacier Park disappearing, the Alaskan tundra becoming green and shrubby, the seas rising, island nations drowning,–every detail of the complicated production–is choreographed there in the messages you stole. Crammed right into the e-mails sent to and from our people.
So now you know: ‘Global Warming’ is actually a pile of internet chatter. A texted mirage, composed of nothing more than insider-operative back and forth between accounts. Hell, if the University of East Anglia had never bothered to set up an e-mail service, no one would have even heard of the term.