by Brian Crane | 05/25/2010
Since the election of President Obama and the financial economic collapse of 2008, the ammunition stockpiles held by the average American have spiked.
Because we gun nuts are a bunch of assclowns. We believe the world is out to get us, when, in fact, no one really gives a fuck. Hell, I only know, like, 11 people. Nonetheless, as long as my church pastor keeps whispering in my ear that the devil has a big wiener and is hot to cornhole my soul, I’ll get more ammo.
Like when you get fired. Or when your ex-wife wins custody of the daughter you’ve been obsessed with. Or when your girlfriend threatens to leave you, or when she doesn’t, or when she’s thinking it but isn’t telling you.
Or when some cats attack you or come near you when nobody’s looking, like when you’re bored and playing with an empty sack and the neighborhood cats come around the neighborhood, or when you’re out in a field with a wriggling sack full of the neighborhood cats.
Like also when that tabby came within feet of my TeeVee. Sure, it was on the other side of the sliding glass door, but I waited too long and now I probably need a new TeeVee. I definitely need a new sack, what a mess.
OH YEAH, the 2008 crisis. What?!
When I pull my gun out and aim it at someone in the vicinity, it gives my family hope. Hope that I don’t shoot that librul neighbor I’ve been mumbling about for 15 years. And hope that I don’t then turn the gun on them when they know damn well that I swearta god mummermimmallbimblebumble . . .
1.) Put your ammo in your pistol. I can’t stress enough the need to make your gun shoot the bullets you have. If it will take all one hundred rounds you have stockpiled in your closet, good. If it will take the one hundred thousand rounds you have stockpiled in the shed, better. If it will take all one hundred million rounds you and your neighbors have stockpiled up and down the block, that would be best. Because your neighbors will now be unable to shoot you before you shoot them, you will have a needed edge in the upcoming crisis that someone, namely you, will precipitate.
Do not put your bullets in your dreams, meatloaf or children unless, you know.
2.) Shoot your ammo. Don’t stockpile it.
3.) In the event your gun should jam, throw your ammo. If you can somehow get it inside the mewling sack-invader, that would be recommended. If you can beat a person badly enough, say with a stick, to open up large wounds, pull the ammo out of your pockets and sheds and squish it into the wound, taking care to aim it away from you. Failing that, roll the person on his side. Then beat the wound with your stick.