President Donald Trump rallies America to attack Germany, OPEC and the Somali pirates

Limousine chatter:

Steve — hey quiet everybody. STEVE — WHY CAN’T I HEAR MY CELLPHONE? BUT YOU TOLD ME MY CELLPHONE WAS WORKING, I CAN’T HEAR A THING. WHAT? MUTE?

Future President Donald Trump, on his way to CPAC.

You know the problem with politicians? It’s the assholes. No not ours, theirs:



China, for instance. Did you know all our money is going to China? And you know what they’re doing with it? Building a modern country! What the HELL?

And OPEC! You know what they’ve been doing, for years? Charging WHATEVER THE HELL THEY LIKE. No, really. When I’m President, you can bet I’ll tell them: GASOLINE PRICES WILL COME DOWN RIGHT NOW.

*YAY*

I can’t BELIEVE I’m the only person who will do this. Incidentally — did I hear this right, or am I going deaf — Germans are about to BUY our New York Stock Exchange? Can you believe it . . ?

*BOO*

Incidentally — the Somali pirates? You give me one good Admiral and a couple of destroyers, and I’ll BLAST EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM OUT OF THE WATER.

*YAY*

It’s all pretty simple, really.

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