Local Republicans dumber than Buttons the Clown’s catfish, or even Michele Bachmann

Sshhh! Here she comes. U.S. History Professor Michele Bachmann, come to New Hampshire. Come to lecture her masochist rabid-Republican friends about things they themselves know far better. It’s a bit of fun: she indulges herself she knows even the slightest thing about America. They indulge her indulgence. It must be, well, one of those days.

“What I love about New Hampshire and what we have in common is our extreme love for liberty,” the potential GOP presidential candidate said. “You’re the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord.”

WOW. Perhaps she meant New Hampshire was upwind of Massachusetts that day? And, uh, maybe — well, that would have to be a 900 mile-an-hour wind! Someone may have heard the, err . . oh, never mind.

What I love about Republicans is how inexplicably weird they are. Human cows like Bachmann, the rest of us laugh at. Right-wingers, they throw sashes on them and hoist them onto the bandstand. “What’s wrong with America?” they cry. “MOO,” comes the surprising reply. “The liberals! Pardon the French, Cletus.”

“And you put a marker in the ground and paid with the blood of your ancestors the very first price that had to be paid to make this the most magnificent nation that has ever arisen in the annals . . “

“MOO.” There it is. ” . . your ancestors the very first price that had to be paid to make this the most mmmMMMOOOOOOOOO.” C’mon, is there any other side of beef more ignorant of America? Oops, yeah, I suppose so.

Okay — is there anyone more given to lecture good people — far more knowledgeable, graceful and humble than she is — with regards to the truth? OOPS, now I’ve really done it. I think I backed myself into a tight corner. The numbers and types of idiotic, fat-mouth Republicans seem boundless, and I just can’t begin to keep track of them all.

TOPEKA — A legislator said Monday it might be a good idea to control illegal immigration the way the feral hog population has been controlled . .

After one of the committee members talked about a program that uses hunters in helicopters to shoot wild swine, [Virgil] Peck suggested that may be a way to control illegal immigration.

Yeehaw! Virgil dun been voted to pollytick ‘fore Kansas. ‘Noo-Hammsherr, Kansas, ‘Noo-Hammerica, all fulla duzzins uh swiney ruttin’ ‘Messicans.

Asked about his comment, Peck was unapologetic. “I was just speaking like a southeast Kansas person,” he said.

Now, see, that should have been an insult. It wasn’t. And now, in exactly that fuck-you spirit, I give you an actual Kansas person, talking like a person from Kansas. This bit of local color comes to us courtesy the International Dialects of English Archive:

And yet, this guy, the gravedigger, is still smarter than any Virgil Peck, luminary of the Sunflower State. Why? Because he’s giving it to you straight. He’s not trying to be cute, which is the last refuge of folks too big for their tongues.

But don’t Republicans love that stuff? Acting like that? All deadly serious and philosophical one minute, then pretending it was just a jape the next? In their circles, these are scholarly habits. Seeing behind Michael J. Fox’s tremors. Telling their constituents you don’t deserve to live. Huh, what? Oh, alright, fine, we were only kidding.

“I was kidding with her and it kind of got away from me,” he said of the conversation. “It was a girl that wanted money for the crazy people, the people … a good percentage of the homeless people are mentally disturbed.”

And what could possibly be more cuddly than a half-dead Republican coot named Marty Harty? . . from New Hamm’s Diamond-Panel Sheer Control Top New Hampshire?

Not two months on the job and the 91-year-old newbie told a constituent lobbying to protect state mental health services that there are “too many defective people,” in the world. He suggested that the “mentally ill, the retarded, people with physical disabilities and drug addictions” be sent to “a Siberia” where they would “freeze to death and die and clean up the population.”

Don’t you just wanna give him a hug?

Harty made no apologies after he was contacted by reporters, saying nature has a way of “getting rid of stupid people,” and “now we’re saving everyone who gets born.”

A really big BEAR hug? Marty is as cute as a button. Like Eva Braun’s nose. Or Red Button’s dead bunghole. Or Buttons the Clown, who rapes the mouths of catfish for a living, puts it on the internet.

Last month, in a letter to Foster’s Daily Democrat, Harty wrote, “so far I really don’t know what I’m doing. The few votes I’ve made so far I really didn’t know what I was voting for or against. Just looked at the people around me and went along with them.”

Don’t let him go! He’s getting the hang of it!