Don’t want a bunch of busted-up houses in my neighborhood. Don’t want a bunch of shady characters lurking in the alleys. Don’t want a bunch of lurid billboards either, or the local retailers dominated by purveyors of XXX paraphernalia and hard liquor.

I’d be alarmed to see a bunch of that because they’re usually indicators of deeper problems. But if even if you ignore that, there’s another, immediate, worry: they create a crappy environment. And when the environment goes bad, people almost always follow.

So I can understand if parents don’t want their kids in schools where the environment works against them. If the students are wandering around barely dressed, or showing up to P.E. in leather and lingerie, that will certainly do it. I’m with you there, Florida, go ahead and handle that.

But hasn’t that always been something principals and teachers were obsessed with? I can’t imagine any time in the history of the country when educators weren’t hawking kids about their dress and behavior. It comes with the professional territory, like mechanics telling you to change your oil. So why is Florida pushing this bill?

‘Sagging pants’ bill passes House committee
Jodie Tillman | March 15, 2011

. . “This pro-family, pro-education, pro-jobs bill provides each school district … adopt a student dress code of conduct, a policy that explains to each student their responsibility,” she said. “This would make for a better school district and more productive students.”

The bill passed the subcommittee unanimously.

Let me first point out that the bill is sponsored by two Democrats. Let me now add how hilarious the radiating ‘support’ for this bill is. If the appearance of this effort isn’t a chance for wingnuts to welcome and then deflect oblivion, I would be disappointed. But, no, they relieve me with a supernatural grasp of . . uh . .

“Although no rigidly academic analysis of the history of ‘sagging’ has yet been conducted, it is commonly thought that ‘sagging’ originated in prisons where belts are not issued because they may be used to commit suicide or used as weapons. The lack of belts combined with loose, ill-fitting pants result in pants falling below the waist.”

. . things like that. The saggy pant is a penitentiary pant. How students figured that out, whatever, but it’s why the kids wear it, often two at a time. It’s a double-barreled assault on law and order. They’re already drinking Pruno at recess, fergawdsake. If we soon don’t tell them how to dress, they’ll be tying up the guards and hucking braided jump ropes over the concertina.

“The bill says proper attire, it doesn’t say anything about saggy pants,” [Brian Pitts] said, adding that it’s necessary these days when students are trying to dress like Beyonce, Madonna and Lady Gaga.

“Set a standard that’s proper, and Lady Gaga can stand outside, Madonna can stay outside, Beyonce can stay outside. All those other people can stay outside … Oh, by the way, (rapper) 50 Cent can stay outside too.”

Get out, Madonna! Heck, all you disheveled grannies — SHOO! Dear Pat Boone: TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY SCHOOL. Get thee to an infirmary, you’re older than any 3 manatees alive.

Now Lady Gaga — there goes trouble. Constantly scratching at the windows, with a 60 Minutes crew in tow, so she can suddenly set up in the quad and break into video. Christ, here come the kids from Glee, I see a nasty dance off coming . . sit down, all of you! I SAID SIT DOWN. Well, there it is, the end of the world. Happy?

One committee member, Rep. Kathleen Passidomo (R-Naples) said she’d read recently a horrible story out of Texas about the rape of a young girl.

. . oh no. Don’t say it. DON’T you DARE blame that poor girl.

“There was an article about an 11 year old girl who was gangraped in Texas by 18 young men because she was dressed like a 21-year-old prostitute,” she said. “And her parents let her attend school like that. And I think it’s incumbent upon us to create some areas where students can be safe in school and show up in proper attire so what happened in Texas doesn’t happen to our students.”

AAAAUUUGHH. Well, it was fun for a little while.