Sheriff Arpaio rolls out Steven Seagal in a tank to knock down a house full of chickens

This might be Joe Arpaio’s greatest law enforcement endeavor yet. How proud the people of Phoenix must be of a Sheriff who’d use a tank and a constipated Hollywood action-marshmallow to take out a bunch of chickens.

Yep, whenever you need to demolish a bungalow crawling with domesticated fowl, law enforcement should call Steven Seagal. And put him in a tank. Ask him to flatten the henhouse. I assume that’s because Sylvester Stallone is too busy to launch a missile strike. When Brian Bosworth can’t provide any NATO air cover.

Forward the armored personnel carriers! Bring on the bomb-fiddling robot, dispatch the SWAT guys. Automatic weapons and flash-bang grenades at the ready, everybody, cuz’ here we go. Cue big, bad Joe Arpaio on a bullhorn:

“WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE.”

Steven Seagal, Sheriff Raid Valley Home In Tank
KPHO.com | Mar 21, 2011

PHOENIX — Sheriff Joe Arpaio rolled out the tanks to take down a man suspected of cockfighting.

West Valley residents in the neighborhood are crying foul after armored vehicles, including a tank, rolled into their neighborhood to make the bust.

“DON’T PLAY CUTE WITH US. WE CAN HEAR YOU.” (*bak!*)

Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.

“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.

“WE CAN SEE YOU.” (*bak-gak!*) “COME OUT.”

In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting.

Llovera was alone in the house at the time of the arrest, and he was unarmed.

“WE’RE COMING IN.” (*brrrawk!*)

The Sheriff’s Department has entered into a contract with Seagal and part of that contract gives Seagal carte blanche to go along with the sheriff as he arrests people.

Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot.

“LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.” (silence)

Llovera was convicted of a misdemeanor last year of attending a cockfight and has no history of owning weapons.

[Seagal:] “Hey, chickens . . tank you, very much.”

[cue ‘cops shoveling squished chickens over credits’ theme:]

And our heroes amble off, into a city no safer, trading manly barbs…

Share