Where, compatriots, do they get these people?

I kid you not a bit: my high school buddies were nowhere near this stupid. And none of them were qualified for the Presidency, for sure.

For instance, Mike Huckabee — a Republican heavyweight. There’s someone other Republicans could trust with their vote. That’s the type of guy who will be straight with the Conservative faithful.

That’s also the type of guy to crank out bizarre American history animations where Ronald Reagan defeats Black, knife-wielding disco fans. If those reality chops weren’t enough, he once criticized his president by reminding everyone of Obama’s formative childhood:

But then if you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Kenya with a Kenyan father and grandfather, their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different than ours because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather.

Kenya. Okay. Well, Mike has bailed the game. So, what of the other geniuses? Who are the remaining Republican hopefuls? Dopefuls? Michele Bachmann?

“What I love about New Hampshire and what we have in common is our extreme love for liberty,” the potential GOP presidential candidate said. “You’re the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord.”

Lexington and Concord in New Hampshire? What a good president she’d make. The Secret Service would have to keep her on a leash — literally. She’d try to set up residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue . . in Pennsylvania.

Then, of course, there’s Sarah Palin. Aaannnnnnd . . . right.

And, now, there’s the latest calf in the Knothead Corral: Herman Cain. Former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, he’d make a brilliant president.

But you know what’s the problem with tattooing a copy of the Constitution on your ass? You never see the damn thing:

You know, those ideals that we live by, we believe in, your parents believed in, they instilled in you. When you get to the part about “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” don’t stop there, keep reading. Cause that’s when it says “when any form of government becomes destructive of those ideals, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it.” We’ve got some altering and some abolishing to do!

Hullo? That’s the Declaration of Independence, Herm.