News of the Loon: Herman Cain up, Newt Gingrich down

News of the Loon. Breaking trends among the mentally ill currently running for president. Let’s take a look at what they’re up to, shall we? It’s always psychedelic.

Today, we have a tale of two candidates. One is on the rise, and one has hit the skids. On the up: Crazy Herman Cain. Herman’s poll numbers are rising because he’s been killing it on the campaign trail. His fiery rhetoric’s been convincing wingnuts of his gravitas the way Sterno convinces hobos to brawl with sunflowers.

Mexicans! Get ’em, Herman!

I just got back from China. Ever heard of the Great Wall of China? It looks pretty sturdy. And that sucker is real high. I think we can build one if we want to! We have put a man on the moon, we can build a fence!

It’s been done before! Took twenty centuries . . ready, go!

. . and on this side of the fence, I’ll have that moat that President Obama talked about. And I would put those alligators in that moat!

And with Darren’s help, we’ll get that chicken.

Meanwhile, for contrast: The Most Transplendent Gosh-a-Loon on the Planet, Newt Gingrich. Remember this? Newt warning everybody his campaign was so ground-breaking that no one could yet fathom its brilliance? “I expect it to take a while for it to sink in.” Well, the sinking is ‘in’ — way in — and sunken:

The entire top echelon of New Gingrich’s presidential campaign resigned on Thursday, a stunning mass exodus that left his bid for the Republican nomination in tatters.

Rick Tyler, the former U.S. House speaker’s spokesman, said that he, campaign manager Rob Johnson and senior strategists had all quit, along with aides in the early primary and caucus states of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina.

His entire campaign leadership, lock, stock and barrel? Rib-crackingly funny news, an historic tank. It’s unprecedented for a major, veteran Republican figure to have his presidential (!) campaign quit on him absent a murder or molestation. The most brilliant guy in GOP history, they say, and Newt’s bid lasted all of 29 days.

It took less than a month for the people who knew him best, the people who most believed in him, to resign and walk away? I’ve never heard of anything like it. There is something very seriously wrong with the ‘great’ Newt Gingrich . . ( ssshhhh, that’s not news . . )