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It’s time someone took Kitty Werthmann down a peg

fancy thinkin', nazis, out to gitcha, wingnuts

Hullooo, it’s me! Say, pals, are you sick of propaganda? Have you grown tired of hysteria? Lately you feel like slapping the next fool who compares Adolf Hitler to Obama?

Get ready to knock an old lady off her rocker. Kitty Werthmann is a shriveled wingnut with a killer gig. An Austrian survivor of the Third Reich, Kitty speaks to conservative throngs. She wows them with first-hand accounts of life under Adolf. Which, I’ll admit, is pretty interesting stuff, if only it stopped there.

But the actual tortured past is not enough for Kitty. Today’s glorious right-wing offers too much money and adoration. So she appears before Tea Party crowds, talks about how Hitler employed millions, built freeways and ass-fucked humanity, and the teabaggers turn to jelly. They go home and start breathless internet threads about Obammunist Fascism, or they send you annoying e-mails featuring this wrinkled prune of doom.

Like her, Kitty’s routine is old and lazy. A gift of the lottery of long life, her eyewitness schtick is: You Americans I’m warning you. Your Socialist president is Adolf Hitler. You can’t argue with that! Bet me. She was there! Fuck off and buy some breath mints.

“In 1938, the media reported that Hitler rolled into Austria with tanks and guns and took us over. Not true at all. The Austrian people elected Hitler by 98% of the vote by means of the ballot box. Now, you might ask, ‘How could a Christian nation, almost 100% Catholic, to elect a monster like Hitler?’ The truth is, at the beginning, Hitler didn’t look like or talk like a monster at all. He talked like an American politician.”

. . the crowd breaks into applause, the jig is up, and Kitty’s off and running. You see? Barack’s a mere couple months from gassing you.

Sadly, she has no gift for haute entertainment: Kitty doesn’t know when to let a crowd off the hook. She is Adolf and overkill, nothing else. After the opening, she smashes the bank of right-wing hot buttons with everything she’s got: politicians, speeches, child care, centralization, Bella Jesse Boxer Abzug, nationalization of the car industry, nationalization of the banks, nationalization of churches and farms, the ERA(?), abortion, Mexicans, communists, political indoctrination, euthanasia, Deutscheland Uber Alles, and gun control. And thus the point: it’s all the same!

But Kitty’s pathetic. Wanna know why the idiot historians said “In 1938, the media reported Hitler rolled into Austria with tanks and guns and took us over”? Because, in 1938, Hitler rolled into Austria with tanks and guns and took the country over.

Under growing pressure from German-supported Austrian National Socialists and Hitler (who was born in Austria), Austrian Chancellor Kurt Schuschnigg felt his nation could soon be consumed by its aggressive neighbor. Schuschnigg called for a national plebiscite on the question of remaining an independent nation. It was so effective a ploy, the vote likely resulting in a rejection of Germany, that it catalyzed the end of free Austria: the home-baked Nazis rose up, and Hitler threatened a Guernica-style attack. Seeing bloodshed in the offing, Schuschnigg and his cabinet resigned. The tanks rolled in the next day, and Hitler swung by a couple days later. That’s when they held a second sham plebiscite where (whaddyaknow!) the Nazis won.

Werthmann starts her talks by citing that vote — which Hitler’s minions claimed they won by not 98%, but 99%, never verified — as the dishonest way to warn you how easily the decimation of America, the death of you and the initiation of genocide could happen.

I’d call her preposterous, but watch the video distillation for yourself. She’s more than that. What do you say about the purposes of someone who, in 2011, is telling you the witnesses lied in 1938? That it was Hitler who told the truth? What do you note of someone who warns that liberals are crazy, murderous lunatics? “Keep your guns! Keep your guns and buy more guns!” Kitty’s living proof a krotchet-munch can outlive the Third Reich.


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