Top 10 things you’ll have sex with once gay marriage is legal

Gay marriage. People marrying each other. People of similar sex marrying each other. Gay people of the same gender mooning, spooning, petting, proposing, throwing parties, and then marrying each other.

The world dissolves. Tell me, brother: what things will cataclysm? Will there be any common sense to the holocaust? Will the Four Horsemen gallop a red carpet? I’d like to know.

Paint a picture for me the death throes of reality, please. Well, do you like sex? Yes, I do. Did you used to like sex? You can say goodbye to your familiar perversions, pal. This is who (and what) you’ll be humping from now on:

1.) A bunch of ladies:

“This May, homosexual and lesbian activists who live here in Minnesota will be able to travel to Massachusetts to have their same sex relationships declared marriages by the state of Massachusetts… If we allow this to happen, group marriage, polygamy and things much worse might not be far behind here in Minnesota.”

2.) A bunch of Muslim ladies:

“Gay marriage will lead to Sharia Law. A future redefinition of marriage that permits polygamy would facilitate the introduction an aspect of Sharia or Islamic law that permits a man to have up to four wives.”

3.) Mom:

“I have a strong desire to play shortstop for the Yankees,” he said. “I don’t have a right to, because I don’t have what it takes. And that would be what the church would say about marriage. We would say marriage by nature, marriage by definition is between a man and woman for life, giving children. Don’t tamper with the definition.”

Pressed by Safer to explain how exactly marriage equality would harm heterosexual marriages, Dolan responded, “Because where then would the tampering stop?”

“I mean, I love my mom,” said [Archbishop Timothy] Dolan. “I don’t have the right to marry her, OK? There are certain rights and attractions in life that are very beautiful and noble but don’t entitle you to marriage.”

4.) Fauna:

“The constitution needs to be amended to meet ‘God’s standards. I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal.”

5.) Pets:

“This is a slippery slope… Can we marry dogs?”

6.) Donkeys:

“Who will be able to deny them that right? The guarantee is implied, we will be told, by the Constitution. Those who disagree will continue to be seen as hatemongers and bigots. Indeed, those charges are already being leveled against Christians who espouse biblical values. How about group marriage? Or marriage between daddies and little girls? Or marriage between a man and his donkey?”

7.) Angels:

“We need to remember the term sodomy came from a town that was known as Sodom, and Sodom was destroyed by God Almighty,” [Pat] Robertson noted by way of explanation. Sodom’s sin, he noted, was “homosexual activity,” apparently a gateway drug to “tr[ying] to rape angels that came down there.”

8.) Robots:

“But also if you pass this bill, you will set the groundwork that one day, when artificial intelligence is that advanced, we will be considering whether or not people can marry their androids. If anyone has watched Star Trek, you’ve seen the character Data, he was able — you laugh, but it’s true — he was able to generate a tear because he could feel emotion. If you knock down marriage between a man and a woman now, if you say that any two people who love each other can get married, then you set that precedent.”

9.) Furniture:

“In addition to that, at what point are we going to okay marrying inanimate objects? Can I marry this table or this, you know, chair?”

10.) Anything:

. . [David] Tyree is asked about the push to legalize gay marriage in the United States — and says if it happens, “This will be the beginning of our country sliding toward … it’s a strong word, but anarchy.”