Speaking of closeted gay married Republicans…

They are rugged. They are solid. They are square jawed, steadfast and true. These are America’s conservatives, the rock-ribbed sorts who make up the Republican party. And what do they love? God, Guns and Gravy. And though they’re married, with rugrats at home as proof of their virility, when it comes to hot sweaty sex what they really love is…other men. Dudes. Guys. Gaywads. Freaking fags. The cocksman in the bathroom. The black man hanging out in the park. The meth-dealing prostitute. The hot guy they’ve been eyeing all night who’d probably love to have his dick sucked.

Rev. Ted Haggard:

Gayle Haggard

In November 2006, escort and masseur Mike Jones alleged that Haggard had paid Jones to engage in sex with him for three years and had also purchased and used crystal methamphetamine. Jones said he had only recently learned of Haggard’s true identity, and explained his reasons for coming forward by saying, “It made me angry that here’s someone preaching against gay marriage and going behind the scenes having gay sex… I had to expose the hypocrisy. He is in the position of influence of millions of followers, and he’s preaching against gay marriage. But behind everybody’s back [he’s] doing what he’s preached against.”

There was Senator Larry Craig:

Suzanne Craig

The Larry Craig scandal was an incident that began on June 11, 2007, with the arrest of Larry Craig—who at the time was a Senator from Idaho—for lewd conduct in a men’s restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

. . “At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. … The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig then proceeded to swipe his left hand under the stall divider several times, with the palm of his hand facing upward.”

There was Florida Representative Bob Allen:

Beth Allen

He made headlines in 2007 after being arrested for offering $20 for the opportunity to perform fellatio on an undercover male police officer in the restroom of a public park and was released on bail. Since the time of his arrest, Allen has maintained his innocence, stating that he believed the undercover police officer was trying to rob him, and that he only offered to perform oral sex because he felt intimidated by the black and muscular police officer. Allen was convicted on November 9, 2007, and sentenced to six months’ probation, and was fined $250. He resigned from the Florida House of Representatives on November 16, 2007.

…and then there’s this guy — the bachelor bonus. Clark County Indiana Republican Party Chairman Glenn Murphy. He’s the best:

Glenn Murphy

The 22-year-old man who claims Murphy sexually assaulted him notified police of the incident on Aug. 3, Clark County Sheriff’s Department Detective Randy Burton said in a probable-cause affidavit. The man told police that he awoke shortly after 6:30 a.m. on July 29 to find Murphy performing oral sex on him. Murphy and the man stayed overnight at the home following a party there the previous evening.

According to the affidavit, Murphy and the man met on July 31 to discuss the incident and that the man tape recorded the conversation. The affidavit states that on the tape, Murphy tells the man he thought the man had been “coming on” to him and that the following exchange took place between the two:

“I thought that you were awake. It’s my fault,” said Murphy. “I’m not laying this off on you. I’m trying to explain what happened.”

“I don’t know, dude,” the man replied. “Yeah, I don’t know how you can possibly think that it was OK to do that, honestly.”

Murphy said, “Dude, I wasn’t in my right mind. I wasn’t thinking.”

That cracks me up. Glenn’s some sort of criminal mastermind. He’s probably the only person convicted of assaulting an unconscious man with his lips.