The Brilliant Bearded Battle of Earthbound Hate

Roll up, one and all! Don’t miss the furious podium-pounding action!

The great right-wing thinkers, activists and philosophers of two powerful cultures square off in a marquee battle of hate. Who, we all wonder, will end up the champion assholes of our time? Who are the Sugar Rays of revulsion, the Kid Dynamites of disgust? Wouldn’t you love to know?

Yes, well . . good luck, friends, picking any winners. These are evenly matched adversaries, mindless haters armed with no compunctions about dumping garbage on innocent people they know nothing about. A couple of these guys may get so wound up, they’ll ask you to kill their enemies (it’s not unprecedented). Hell, a couple of them may even demand it. Who knows? All you can really guarantee is that everyone will despise everybody a little more when it’s all over. Because, after all, did you see that? I told you he was crazy.

So settle into your seats, and get ready for some top-notch nastiness. This will be a vicious war of words. And combatants, please remember the one and only rule of Spite Club: NO BEARD PULLING. If, somehow, you all ended up without facial hair, how would we tell you apart? As you wound up in a giant, kissy-face finger-banging dogpile? We will not be amused.

So it’s the longs against the shorts. The Eastern Shaggies versus the Western Scragglies. And with that proper introduction, time for you to get to your corners, beaver pussies. When the digital bell rings, come out bug-eyed, swinging, spitting, hectoring, projecting, and maliciously lying. May the nastier bunch of you . . go to hell . . . . . . . [ding!] . . .

• “West European societies are unprepared for the massive immigration of brown-skinned peoples cooking strange foods and not exactly maintaining Germanic standards of hygiene.”

• “Who knows whence the next jihadi? How can one be confident a law-abiding Muslim will not suddenly erupt in a homicidal rage? Yes, of course, their numbers are very small, but they are disproportionately much higher than among non-Muslims.”

• “Recep Tayyip Erdoğan (the prime minister of Turkey), Tariq Ramadan (a Swiss intellectual), and Keith Ellison (a U.S. congressman) represent Islamism 2.0. The former kill more people but the latter pose a greater threat to Western civilization.”

• “All immigrants bring exotic customs and attitudes, but Muslim customs are more troublesome than most.”

• “Don’t stop new Muslims from taking up arms in jihad against America and killing them like they kill us.”

• “We must be ready starting now, before events overtake us, and before we are surprised by the conspiracies of the Americans and the United Nations . .”

• “Americans will not allow any Islamic regime to reach the position of governance except if it is an accomplice to the Americans, just like what is happening right now in Iraq.”

• “Of course, as I have pointed out many times, traditional Islam itself is not moderate or peaceful. It is the only major world religion with a developed doctrine and tradition of warfare against unbelievers.”

• “Unfortunately, however, jihad as warfare against non-believers in order to institute “Sharia” worldwide is not propaganda or ignorance, or a heretical doctrine held by a tiny minority of extremists. Instead, it is a constant element of mainstream Islamic theology.”

• “When modern-day Jews and Christians read their Bibles, they simply don’t interpret the passages cited as exhorting them to violent actions against unbelievers. This is due to the influence of centuries of interpretative traditions that have moved them away from literalism regarding these passages. But in Islam, there is no comparable interpretative tradition.

• “We believe the worst thieves in the world today and the worst terrorists are the Americans.”

• “As for the second question that we want to answer: What are we calling you to, and what do we want from you? The first thing that we are calling you to is Islam . . We call you to be a people of manners, principles, honour, and purity; to reject the immoral acts of fornication, homosexuality, intoxicants, gamblings, and trading with interest.”

• “I’m fighting so I can die a martyr and go to heaven to meet God. Our fight now is against the Americans.”

• “It is saddening to tell you that you are the worst civilization witnessed by the history of mankind . .

• “They say, ‘Oh, there’s a billion of them.’ I said, ‘So, kill 100 million of them, then there’ll be 900 million of them.”

• “Instead of putting joysticks, I would have liked to have seen dynamite put in their orifices and they should be dropped from airplanes. How’s that? You like that one? Go call somebody that you want to report me to, see if I care. They should put dynamite in their behinds and drop them from 35,000 feet, the whole pack of scum out of (Abu Ghraib).

• “The U.S. is leading the war against terrorism, which in reality is a war against Islam.”

• “Jihad is becoming as American as apple pie and as British as afternoon tea.”

• “So here you have a man who jumps into the army, seeking martyrdom. Might as well just put on an explosive belt, what’s the difference?”

• “Nidal Hasan is a hero.”

• “There is a movement for a second Holocaust of the Jews that is being supported on this campus by the Muslim Student Association.”

• “Between 150 million and 750 million Muslims support a holy war against Christians, Jews and other Muslims . .”

• “One thing I congratulate everyone on is the great explosion which has occurred in Washington’s Black House and the very important scandal which has gripped leaders of America.”

• “Americans are the great Satan, the wounded snake.”

• “The world is facing a great danger, which, if it is not stopped, will sooner or later be a threat to freedom in all nations and specifically to the United States. This danger is the growing religion of Islam.”

• “We are accusing the Koran of murder, rape, deception, being responsible for terrorist activities all around the world.

• “The United States is targeting Islam, the Muslim and Arab states in the Middle East and beyond. It wants to control the world.”

• “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

• “Do you love your creator? Love your fellow-beings first.

Hey. Who let you in here?