University of South Carolina student Ben Cochran’s charms run to the caustic. I didn’t make any of this up. There really is a Ben Cochran, and he really did write this piece for the college East Carolinian.
So I’m sitting in student health the other day, sneezing my friggin eyes out and coughing up green oysters wondering what in the name of great Zeus’s beard is taking so long. I’m just trying to get seen and have this purulent mucus extricated from my hacking body. Half an hour later, I finally see some movement stirring from across the waiting room. A nurse exits with about half a dozen girls, all grinning from ear to ear, bubbly and giggly as if they just scored their first alcohol purchase with a fake id. In their hands they carried what seemed like a solid 36 month’s worth of birth control.
First of all, not even porn stars need that much birth control. Second of all, do you mean to seriously tell me that I’ve been sitting here in misery for the last half an hour just so that this gaggle of preemie sluts could get a free pass on harlotry?
Ben apparently did not notice the school’s stupid kunt bat signal.
Go read your Redbook in the lobby of a specialist while you get a mani as you wait to get your hatchet wound inspected. Leave student health for those of us that are in actual need of medical attention.
You might find this amusing: Ben’s Facebook page says he’s an “English Language and Literature” major. He’s deh shit with words.
Look, this is a university—an ivory tower of academic prowess. We don’t need to be handing out birth control left and right especially from an on campus location. This is a bastion for the intellectually competent. If you find your talents to lend themselves to a more base and carnal nature, perhaps this just isn’t the place for you.
Dear gashes. F Ur sekksen other dudes don’t even wanna see you. K?
I don’t take issue with sex mongers. They serve their place. Hell, according to the bible, it’s the oldest known profession on earth. So you sultry sex fiends are clearly established, but this is a place of higher being. Please take your gaping holes elsewhere for medical services, and leave the real health issues to those that actually belong on a college campus.
Here he is:
And what music does he like? Jimmy Buffet.
i freakin love football and basketball (and carolina baseball). and i love clever little witticisms, so if you know of any, do share them with me please!
There once was a dude named Cochran
Who fancied the ballin’ and soccerin’
He called the girls sluts
‘Til his lonesome nuts
Deserted the poor boy for mockerin’