Exactly what I needed: Christian advice on masturbation

Seattle pastor Mark Driscoll has some pithy advice for internet droolers (like me). In his manifesto “Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men,” Driscoll tackles one of the biggest problems facing particularly afflicting our Christian friends: shame about masturbation. Heh. Improper guilt. Hmm. Feeling that you’re a freak. *sigh*

Anyway, the 15-part publication:

yikes! Okay, this will not go well. I’m guessing Mark doesn’t come down on the side of self-satisfaction.

Question #1 –
–Can you masturbate without lusting (Job 31:1)?

Question #2 –
–Can you masturbate in a way that builds oneness with your spouse, pulling you together more intimately through the act (Gen. 2:24)?

Question #3 –
–Can you masturbate without experiencing shame (Gen. 2:24)?

Question #4 –
–Can you masturbate with a clear conscience (Titus 1:15)?

Question #5 –
–Can you masturbate without capitulating to the cravings of your sinful desires and thoughts (Eph. 2:3)?

No, maybe, yes, yes, no. How’d I do? I assume those are the right answers. Though there are others possible, maybe with regard to number 2.

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

If I’m not married and I masturbate — I’m queer? It’s even gayer if I watch myself? Golly, good thing I do it with my eyes closed.

Second, masturbation is a form of monosexuality because it is sex that does not include another person. Since sex is given for such purposes as oneness (Gen. 2:24), intimate knowledge (Gen. 4:1), and comfort (2 Sam. 12:24), having sex with oneself seems to miss some of the significant biblical reasons for sexual intimacy.

Now we’re talking. I’ve been aiming afield of “biblical reasons” to do pretty much anything and apparently hitting bullseyes. So am I a hemisexual? A digi-porn cipher? Go on, you can tell me…unless I’m some diaphanous Unicorn Nebula, earless and horny across the galaxy. Very possible.

Third, masturbation is often done in haste because of the mortifying embarrassment of possibly getting caught in the act. Subsequently, masturbation encourages a man to become a notorious minute-man who will not be well skilled in the self-control necessary to satisfy a wife.

That’s what makes porn starts such strong performers: Denial. Abstinence. Unfamiliarity with the act.

Fourth, masturbation can establish a pattern of laziness. If a single man wants to have an orgasm, he needs to first become a man and undergo the hard work of courting and marrying a woman.

This is welcome advice for any fourteen year-old.

If a married man wants to have an orgasm, he needs to first undergo the hard work of loving, leading, and romancing his wife. But, lazy men are prone to rub one out in the shower each morning rather than undergo the labors usually associated with responsible masculine married life.

Except I’m ‘queer’, remember? Thanks for the trap door.