Now Newt needs a wheelbarrow for his balls

First, the nomination’s fling with Donald Trump. Then Michele Bachmann copped a feel or two. Rick Perry looked a ‘Texas McDreamy’ for all the world, but he opened his mouth. Herman Cain shoved m’lady’s head in his crotch and that was that. She scores a little X over at Ron Paul’s on the weekends, but that’s all. And lo there stands Mitt Romney, arms folded, outside her door. Waiting.

But there’s just no talking to her. She happens to be in love with Newt . .

November 30, 2011
Gingrich up big in Florida and Montana
Public Policy Polling

Newt Gingrich’s momentum is continuing to build, and he now leads Mitt Romney by over 25 points in both Florida and Montana.

In Florida Gingrich is at 47% to 17% for Romney, 15% for Herman Cain, 5% for Ron Paul, 4% for Michele Bachmann, 3% for Jon Huntsman, 2% for Rick Perry, 1% for Rick Santorum, and 0% for Gary Johnson.

That’s not remarkable. It’s insane. How the hell did he do it? I’ve written too much about Newt the Grifter Dumbass already, so I won’t go there again. I won’t re-hash his endless deception. Instead, I’ll offer a quick psycho-sexual sketch.

For whatever latent reason, it just now occurred to Republicans he’s the only real man in the bunch. Call it ‘White Wiener and the 7 Snausages.’ The swelling of Newt’s chances has come as a result of the gerrymandered sexual circuits that complicate conservatives’ political cognition. In the tangle of neural wingnuttia, visceral rage and outward divisiveness are signs of competitition and sexual domination. Or, in jargon even the National Review can understand: Newt acts a stud. And ‘stud’ they’re always interested in.

Mr. Frosted Puff is a man because he’s willing to look an audience in the eye and cut Americans to pieces. And it’s time someone did! When you’re a know-nothing rube, that’s pretty exciting stuff. Just watch. Newton shifts his girth toward the podium, lowers his jaw, then his brow, and delivers a load . .

“We have to decide we’re going to replace the left.”

Your BVDs getting any tighter, Biff? Sure they are. Anybody think for a second Mitt The Pussy would say that? Never. How about this:

“Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works . . They have no habit of ‘I do this and you give me cash’ unless it’s illegal.”

Have Herman Cain’s balls ever been that big? In his misstresses’ dreams.

You can count on Newt the Buck rocking your every hot button from here to the White House. That’s the sort of stamina that makes Conservatives swoon. So congratulations, Nomination, it’s true love.

Fire away lard butt!

. . if you want to put people in jail . . start with Barney Frank and Chris Dodd.

Barney, the wuss homo? God damn, that is beautiful.