I like this Mitt Romney. I’ll have two.

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Kallie Durkit: . . as a college student, many people in my generation find it especially hard to relate to you as a candidate. Why should we mobilize for you as a candidate instead of Obama, which we did in 2008?

Mitt Romney: What I can promise you is this. When you get out of college, if I’m president, you’ll have a job.


Kallie: “Anything more?”

Mitt: “Yes. I will pet you and love you and hug you. I will hold you fast against the softest of my sweaters until the tears finally come and the song of my beating heart lulls you into slumber. That’s when my team will transfer you into a hyperbaric Ambien vapor/amyl nitrate chamber where autoclaved sex workers, working inside and around the clock, will softly ride your swollen sex parts and eskimo-kiss your cheeks. This will continue until the orgasm focus of your brain chars black. Gurneyed into Amusement Care, you will gently awaken over a three-to six-month period and after having your eyelids removed. You’ll then be fed on a continuous low-titer IV LSD drip while viewing Ghostbusters on a 500-foot IMax screen for eternity. Meatball sandwiches, pints of Guinness, catheters and bedpans will be clean, plentiful, hot and/or cold and free of charge. In addition, Kallie?”

Kallie: “Yah?”

Mitt: “Don’t try to run away. There won’t be any point. My staffers will have taken over your life, erased your name and identity, incinerated your apartment in a low-yield tactical strike, fed your belongings into our campaign’s portable Z Machine, swept your family members away into witness protection or political patronage and updated your Facebook status to ‘Kaput.'”

Kallie: “Wow.”

Mitt: “Well you deserve it. Also – the war’ll be over.”

Kallie: “COOL.”

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