The 4:15 to zombie Eden

If this doesn’t tell you plenty about Republican yearnings, perhaps you’re in a state. The five senses play mischief. They’re tethered to a notoriously glitchy mainframe, what with the emotions and booze and sleeping orgasms.

But I bet you can make something out of this:

Va. GOP to require loyalty oath in presidential primary
Andrew Cain | Richmond Times-Dispatch | December 28, 2011

At the request of the Virginia Republican Party, the State Board of Elections voted 3-0 today to close the March 6 presidential primary and require a loyalty oath for participation.

Big deal, you think. They’re always making Newt or Rick or Chester sign these things. Keep reading:

That means anyone who wants to vote must sign a form at the polling place pledging to support the eventual Republican nominee for president. Anyone who refuses to sign the pledge will be barred from voting.

The citizens! The voters have to sign loyalty oaths. The brave quest for zombie politics is here. Can a party member vote while encased in a block of cement? Is it legal to etch the candidate’s name on everybody’s skulls?

Is this conservative enough for ya? Is taxidermy a touch on the frantic side? The Virgina GOP is turning its back on the party’s thought-centric and animated wings. Perhaps the electorate can be stored upside-down in meat lockers. Consider shellacking the brains of your pals after they vote as desired, then consider it done. It’d be strange for Mom to look Dad in the eye and see 'BUFFERING', but someone important would finally get some sleep.

After the candidates have signed oaths to oppose the levy, stay the matrimony, balance the budget, fight the Shariah, cap the spending, crush the socialism, chuck the bukkake, reverse the enemy, fly the flag, sail the ship, chop the tree, skip the rope (look at me), nothing is safe. Consequently, voters can forget about politics after the convention. Ssshhh, turn off the TV, toss the front page. Wouldn’t want to give the guys who live in smoke-filled backrooms the vapors while counting votes.

Listen to ’em: “No, there’s no problem with candidates, there’s a problem with voters.” But, wait — there are problems with both. That’s why everybody’s getting fitted for straitjackets. Being a Republican could do your self-esteem some good. I promise.

Viel Glück, little Hitlers. Maybe nominee Willard’s mansion is being built on the birthplace of the first soldier to fire on Wounded Knee. Maybe it implodes in a Poltergeist-ball this Halloween causing Mittens a massive stroke, and then it’ll hit you what a good idea this was.