I see the ghost of Mitt Romney, i.e. Mitt Romney

So many Republican presidential candidates, so many favorites. It’s like picking a particular virus. All the many, many things to consider. Do you just wanna die, or would you like to linger?

First the wingnuts think Michelle Bachmann is wonderful. She’s energetic and Christian and conservative right down to her Buckley® corset and stare. Isn’t she great?

The Minnesota congresswoman last month suggested that God was punishing Washington for excessive spending by sending an earthquake and a hurricane (Her campaign later said she was joking), noted the “rise of the Soviet Union” 20 years after that regime collapsed, confused Elvis Presley’s birthday with the anniversary of his death, erred on the location of John Wayne’s birthplace in Iowa, and claimed the famous Revolutionary War battle at Lexington and Concord had been fought in New Hampshire.

She’s also bright as a bag of midnight. Oh well, time to move on. How ’bout that Rick Perry? He’s friendly, got good hair and a drawl. What’s not to like?

“Let me tell you, there’s three agencies of government that are gone when I get there,” Perry said. “Commerce, education and the, um, uh, what’s the third one there . . Commerce, Education and the, um, EPA . . the third agency of government, I would do away with: Education, Commerce and let’s see . . the third one, I can’t. Oops.”

He’s clueless about his own campaign. And government. Boy, these people are . . interesting. How the hell did they ever get this far? How is it that they’re being taken seriously, even momentarily, as candidates for president?

It’s not like they’ve ever hidden these massive flaws. Bachmann’s been famously dumb and loopy as long as anyone can remember. She tried to amend the Minnesota constitution to outlaw gay marriage in 2003, 2004 and 2005. Her own marriage narrowly escaped.

When President Bush signed the Energy Independence and Security Act outlawing the future manufacture and sale of incandescent bulbs, she responded with the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act. You can imagine what that’s supposed to do, as if energy-sucking 19th century technologies were somehow American as eagles. If Sir Humphry Davy is so heart-broken, he can sit down with Tom Edison and have a cry.

Governor Rick Perry executed an innocent man charged with the arson murder of his own children. Killing innocent people is a sport in Texas. The mere approximation of ‘murder’ and ‘children’ in a sentence is evidence enough to shoot a man on sight. But Rick happens to be the head of government, which is supposed to manage it through legal means.

When actual arson experts (what?) looked at the evidence after the execution (who knew?) they saw nothing to indicate anything other than an accident.

. . Dr. Craig Beyler, hired by the Texas Forensic Science Commission to review the case, found that “a finding of arson could not be sustained”. Beyler said that key testimony from a fire marshal at Willingham’s trial was “hardly consistent with a scientific mind-set and is more characteristic of mystics or psychics.”

When government officials were to re-convene to consider the report, Perry finally sprang into action:

The Texas Forensic Science Commission was scheduled to discuss the report by Beyler at a meeting on October 2, 2009, but two days before the meeting Texas Governor Rick Perry replaced the chair of the commission and two other members. The new chair canceled the meeting—sparking accusations that Perry was interfering with the investigation and using it for his own political advantage.

Rest in peace, Cameron Todd Willingham. Your death is still considered a ‘win’ in Texas. In the end, that was the only fact Rick Perry paid any attention to.

The point I’m making here is that these Republican presidential candidates are a scary bunch. It’s shocking that any one of these loons is this close to the presidency. It’s especially shocking when they carry suicidal baggage the way they do: publicly and proudly.

Voters should be horrified by the selection of grotesques. They should be screaming bloody murder for being forced even to consider a Rick Santorum:

“I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money.”

Instead, they’re happy to pick one immoral, un-American fool after another. As if they were picking body sprays or Chinese food. Encouraged by the affirmation, a candidate cranks up the crazy and suddenly Mr. or Mrs. Average is dismayed. President Newt would do what to judges that annoyed him? Arrest them?

“Sure. If you had to. Or you’d instruct the Justice Department to send a U.S. Marshal.”

So much for the Constitution, checks and balances, judicial impartiality, blah blah. So many things stand between Newt and his liberty. It’s all pretty funny if your sense of humor shades to darkness.

It’s even funnier when you see where this is all going. The candidate to beat in this gnomic clusterfuck is Willard Romney. Mittens is a man so devoid of courage, color or personality he could be a cloud of carbon dioxide. People invite him to parties in case an electrical fire breaks out. He sits in the corner drinking fruit juice, no ice thanks, and talks to a candle.

Tomorrow, he will win easily in New Hampshire. That’ll put about 8 of his 10 slender, lady-lke fingers around the throat of the Republican nomination. He won’t take a firm grip for weeks. He won’t even think of squeezing for months probably, and the circus will go on. Meanwhile Ron Paul will surface to tell you that AIDS patients should pay not only for all their own healthcare, but for the carpentry and maintenance of slender coffins, their deaths being unusual and self-involved. Hooray.

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