Cell phones – know what I’m sayin’?

Is this a new phenomenon? Or have conservatives always been uneasy with the cell phone? Has the Samsung Drazormnezia become the next Negro Music? Or the new extramarital orgasm? Or something even worse? Time to drag the riotous teens and their technological crack off to the political blogs for a talking-to. Cue Larry and Mike to save this country.

This is a cheery reminder of what right-wing Americans consider important. Time to face the dangerous chimera of “Your Behavior Sucks” and “Here Comes The Apocalypse.”

Smart phones and social media: Destructive
By Larry Klayman | February 12, 2012 | Renew America

First, the use of smart phones has become an addiction not too much different from excessive drug and alcohol usage. . . Second, the use of the written text message . . has significantly reduced the need to communicate orally. . . Third, smart phones . . are destroying personal relationships on an epidemic basis. I have been told by many friends that their spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends have become so hooked to the devices that they are kept on night stands . .

Kids are so whacked out on cell phones they can’t even communicate orally. They can’t maintain relationships with friends, family and co-workers. Worse yet, it’s become typical for a teen to keep his digital bong right on his nightstand. What’s happened to the world? Nothing good, Larry can tell you.

Slapping That Booty
By Mike Adams | February 13, 2012 | Townhall

Dear (Name deleted): . . recently, you have been getting up and walking out during the middle of my lectures. . . I suspect that is because you’re reaching for your cell phone in order to call your girlfriend.

. . you will lose a point from your final average every time you step out and then step back in during my lecture. This may seem harsh, but it will be of tremendous benefit to you. It means you will now be forced to act like a man, take charge of your relationship, and stop letting your girlfriend monitor you like a suspected terrorist.

Damn dude. Why you picking on me?

When a woman monitors you she is most likely cheating on you. She is making sure you are not nearby so she will not get caught in the process. If she isn’t cheating on you, she is very close to dumping you for someone she cannot control. Women love a challenge more than having a lapdog. Please think about what I have told you.

Oh I get it. It’s Valentine’s Day and you want to show me you care about me and my girlfriend. Giving us the tough love. Thanks man, I think I’ll cancel dinner tonight. After all nobody is more lovable or uncontrollable than I am.

Dear (Name deleted): . . I certainly support your right to listen to rap music celebrating the joys of slapping a “booty.” I mean, DAT is your right if you’re really into booty slapping. However, (especially given that we sometimes forget to turn off our cell phones) it is perhaps unwise to program the ringer in such a way as to celebrate booty slapping every time someone calls. Know what I’m saying?

I dunno bro. I likes de ring tone. *shuffle*

After all, the women might not share your love of booty slapping. And they might turn on you faster than a Yorkshire terrier.

All de bitchez be doin’ it. But now de laideez too? Damn. Dat’s wholly capricious and unfortunate. Hey everybody come on y’all, listen up cuz I’m only gonna say this once. University of North Carolina Wilmington Professor Mike Adams? You definitely be da *beep* damn. Gotta take this *click* WHEREYOUAT?