Douthat on abortion. Dog poo on pop tart.

That tawdry wrestling infomercial on an endless loop, the conservative, wasted everyone’s time this week scolding America about contraception, abortion, sex in and out of marriage, and the reason why he threatened to deport his immigrant boy-toy after ramming a horny-butt deejay into some poor lady outside a disco tickle dangle, but, no, it wasn’t me.

That reminds me of a joke. It goes like this: neckbeard.

The ‘Safe, Legal, Rare’ Illusion
By ROSS DOUTHAT | Op-Ed Columnist

AMID the sound and fury of the latest culture-war battles . .

These people. Will. Not. Shut. Up.

Even the most pro-choice politicians, for instance . .

No sane human being wants to hear Ross Douthat weigh in on anything like sex, abortion or contraception. He’ll do it anyways, of course, because he’s the New York Times conservative. A.K.A., the kid with enormous keyboards of clay.

Instead, abortion rates are frequently higher in more liberal states, where access is often largely unrestricted, than in more conservative states, which are more likely to have parental consent laws, waiting periods, and so on.

It’s late in the column, and the kid is really bringing the heat. The liberals want to make it okay for people to have abortions. But you know what happens next? MORE ABORTIONS. Bet you didn’t realize that, buddy. This is why the Times hired Ross. He can tie his shoes — can you? Your shoes, I mean?

“Safe, legal and rare” is a nice slogan, but liberal policies don’t always seem to deliver the “rare” part.

Because Oregon has more abortions than Oklahoma, liberals have failed in the ‘choice’ wars. We are hypocrites, unable to deliver on our abortion mission statement. In an ideal world, we’d stop women, like young terrified conservatives — whose fathers will kill them — from having abortions. In an ideal world, Ross would know the word ‘ideal.’ We’re done here, everybody back to the abortion factory.

But wait — do you know where ‘choice’ is truly ‘Safe, legal and rare’? Kansas. And how many abortion clinics do they have? Two. Maybe one. This is the reality Ross uses as a baseline to shame us into admitting failure. We allow more abortions than Cro-Magnon Kansas. We shoot fewer doctors, too, and these facts may be related.

For the rest of the editorial, the Gray Lady’s ace is nowhere near being interested in the history of abortion in America, our evolving attitudes towards sex, the current attacks on sex education, the propping up of abstinence-only efforts in the face of permanent failure, or in the record low rates of teen pregnancy and abortion. Or in women. Final paragraph, now we’re really almost done:

At the very least, American conservatives are hardly crazy to reject a model for sex, marriage and family that seems to depend heavily on higher-than-average abortion rates.

Shoot. So there’s only the one alternative: make abortion illegal. Okay. Thanks, Ross, well argued. Could you append a little comment about the happiness of American women in the 18th and 19th centuries?