George Zimmerman needs food, will trade for murder

Like most famous killers in America, George Zimmerman needed a website. Today, he got one. It’s ‘therealgeorgezimmerman.com.’ Feel free to go there, click the PayPal button and send him your hard-earned money. Look at the glorious front page:

It’s missing apple pie and gramma, but it still stirs the soul. As you take in the website’s dignity, you come to realize that the death of Trayvon Martin has become a whole new ballgame. It once was a horrific tragedy. It used to be a terrible collision of events. George’s friends recalled how he’d been crying non-stop. They said that, in some way, George’s life was over, too. How very awful. Has the tragic no bounds? Will it ever stop?

Well, sports fans, George doesn’t feel that way any more. George feels like a hero. He’s happy to be called a patriot. Now he couldn’t be quicker to receive your attention and your money. He’d also like to give you what you really want: a personal relationship with a red, white and blue celebrity, the George Zimmerman.

This website’s sole purpose is to ensure my supporters they are receiving my full attention without any intermediaries. . .

I have created a Paypal account solely linked on this website as I would like to provide an avenue to thank my supporters personally and ensure that any funds provided are used only for living expenses and legal defense . .

So buck up, wingnuts. There’s an inspirational place for you to piss away your savings account, where quotes from humble ole’ George intermix with those from Thomas Paine. There’s even one piece of advice, from the Founder of Modern Conservatism, Edmund Burke, that’s so vital a bit of the Zimmerman philosophy, it handsomes every page of his site:

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good men do nothing.”

Do you sense the gravity of the thing? As if George were sending us a message? Something about leaping into action, perhaps. Maybe he means for you to leap into action. This would be your chance to address a great man whose towering political achievement is murder, and to state with pride: “I support you wholeheartedly, George Zimmerman, courageous shooter of an unarmed teen. Bless you.”

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