What a barn full of hoot owls. What a yard of dumb cows. I’ve been reading the just-released 2012 Texas State Republican Party Platform. How green do you like your pasture patties, friends? Where to begin?

Let’s say we start with “PRESERVING AMERICAN FREEDOM.” That’s as good a joke as anything else in the routine. You know what chaps the hide of Texas lovers of liberty? Can you guess? Article V of the Constitution.

Constitutional Convention – We strongly oppose any constitutional convention to rewrite the United States Constitution. We encourage the Legislature to rescind its 1977 call for such a convention. We call upon other states to rescind their votes for such a convention.

The Constitution is sacred, after all. So screw it. This is the logic of simple, traditional folks. Folks proud to defend the damned thing they can no longer abide:

Federal Tax Reform – We recommend repeal of the Sixteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, with the goal of abolishing the I.R.S and replacing it with a national sales tax collected by the States.

That needs to be done immediately. If only there were some way. More AMERICA:

Reparations – We oppose any form of reparation.

Screw you Japanese Americans interned in World War Two. Eff you Indians dragged across the Trail of Tears. American slaves, islanders of Bikini, whatever. You snooze, you die, you lose. Ha ha, freedom.

Banning the Use of Red Light Cameras – We oppose the manner in which alleged vehicle violations are documented and fines levied against individuals without proof of their having been the driver of the offending vehicle and we call for the ban on Red Light Cameras in the State of Texas.

Serious shit people.

Livestock and Pet Locations – We oppose a mandatory animal identification system.

Stick a chip in a steer’s neck? Next thing you know, there’s one in mine. No way, comrade.

Smart Meters – We oppose the mandated use of Smart Meters as well as the use of collected data to reduce freedoms of U.S. citizens.

You’re not putting one of those doohickeys in my electrical box. You can’t stick me in a concentration camp. See how Texas loves science and technology?

Unelected, Appointed Bureaucrats (Czars) – We decry the appointment of unelected bureaucrats, and we urge Congress to use their constitutional authority to defund and abolish these positions and return authority to duly elected officials, accountable to the electorate.

There are thousands upon thousands of bureaucrats in the Executive Branch of our government. A total of two of them are elected (see if you can guess which ones). So this policy would streamline the government, quickly. To the point of ending it. Loose facts: Number of Czars under Clinton? 8. Under George W.? 33. Do you remember who was the former Czar of Domestic Policy, 2004-2006? Karl Rove of course. This is why Barack Obama will face impeachment, soon.

There are too many nuclear cuckoo things in here to even begin covering it properly. This is only the first section of the first part. Laws that the platform eventually calls to repeal? The War Powers Act, Affordable Healthcare Act, Endangered Species Act, Voting Rights Act of 1965, McCain-Feingold, Sarbanes-Oxley, Dodd-Frank, Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Law, Federal Reserve Act of 1913, Community Reinvestment Act, all hate crimes laws, virtually all taxes on anything, all minimum wage laws, and whatever established the Texas State Lottery. Get your jollies reading the crap for yourself.

Also, get the freaking government out of raw milk:

Unprocessed Foods ― We support the availability of natural, unprocessed foods, including, but not limited to, the right to access raw milk.

Have fun, Texas, killing your kids with teeming doses of Salmonella and E. coli. Morons.