Here I am.

It’s me Greg Peterson. That’s right. Fuckin’ A Greg Fucking Peterson. How you like me? Blam! You like me (I hear you, ladies). Here it is, I’m gonna tell you about myself. I graduated from Brigham Young University. COUGARS. I’m a Tea Party animal, and I run Peterson Wealth Management. Check out PWM online, it would totally kick your ass. Owooo! But you gotta make more than $100,000 a year, alright, or don’t bother. K? Money roolz, hippies. Hey, I also know “Español, Russian, American English, British English.” Tallyhoo, seabiscuits and scones, stiff rubber lip.

Dude, what a total bummer day. Man. The Gregster got arrested. No shit. I’m being held on like a jillion dollars bail. The jail clowns crammed me into this bogus hole, dude. I sexually assaulted a few ladies I profiled online and in church blah blah. Heck I don’t even remember. I don’t even want to talk about it, really, and I don’t have to talk about it, like my lawyer says. I can just sit here for now. But hella depressing. Hey — did I tell you what a buddy I am with Mitt Romney?

Oh yeah.

Yeah way tight.

Like roommates. I hosted a fundraiser for Bro’ Money back in 2007. Pfft, it was nothin’. It’s what I do for my Utah homos. Ahhh! I bought a party cabin years ago up by Witts Lake in Heber. I invite the dudes up there, and the money really flies. We have some fun. Everybody comes. Seriously.

Everybody.

That’s not all. Check it. People know me.

That’s the next Veep! See? I told you. I’m thee Utah Tea Party guy. Dah Gregsteh. And I love to have fun. Like when I would have a party, or throw a fundraiser, or kidnap a lady for the purposes of committing “nine counts of forcible sexual abuse, seven counts of rape, three counts of object rape, two counts of aggravated kidnapping, forcible sodomy, assault, burglary and sexual battery,” I’d go to my cabin. I’d put an invite up on Facebook . .

Tell guard at gate that u r guests of Greg Peterson’s Moose Lodge on Witts Lake. Doesn’t that make you feel special? It should.

. . or I’d warn the lady that I kept a gun in my glove compartment and I would kill her unless she did what I said. Hey, here’s a picture of the place:

I’m not assaulting anybody there in that one. Unless you were hiding your wallet up your butthole, faggots. Ahhh! Good times.