Rick. Santorum. Altar boy: Rick Santorum. Sinless sweetums. Rick, the perfect dick. Given his penchant for looping psychedelia, alter boy Rick Santorum. Sir Serotonin of Beetle Juice. Bug-butt crazy preacher to the 101st chapter of Our Dilettante of the Burning Cross, he who couldn’t light a gas can if human brain cells were fire apparent, Rick Santorum. Fucking Rick Cocksucker It’s Me — ME, Jesus! — Santorum.

WASHINGTON, DC — Former presidential candidate Rick Santorum attacked the media and “smart people” for not being on the side of conservatives in a speech to the Values Voter Summit on Saturday.

He needs friends? Try not being a vicious asshole for a while, pal.

“We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country,” Santorum, a former Pennsylvania senator, told the audience at the Omni Shoreham hotel. “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”

Then this: “But we will forever attack the instruments of sin. Like homosexuality. And fireflies. Motion detectors. Noon day fog. Restless pets. Wheels that would spin.”