Your boss sent you an e-mail. “Employees on cigarette break should refrain from urinating on the East lawn fence. This unauthorized practice has fouled basement A/C units for the ninth and tenth floors, forcing facilities personnel to replace executive suite draperies for the second time this year.” Naw, not actually. That would be business-like and professional. Your boss’ e-mail really went like this: “You vote for Mitt Romney or you’re fired.” That’s the message that 7,000 workers received yesterday.

To All My Valued Employees,

As most of you know our company, Westgate Resorts, has continued to succeed in spite of a very dismal economy. There is no question that the economy has changed for the worse and we have not seen any improvement over the past four years. In spite of all of the challenges we have faced, the good news is this: The economy doesn’t currently pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is another 4 years of the same Presidential administration . .

You see, I can no longer support a system that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, so will your opportunities. If that happens, you can find me in the Caribbean sitting on the beach, under a palm tree, retired, and with no employees to worry about.

Signed, your boss,

David Siegel

Siegel is a wrinkling and legendary baron of self-worship and greed. He and his nuptial bimbo were featured in a documentary called “The Queen of Versailles.” The film puts the shattered Siegel dream of building America’s most appalling mansion on the big screen for regular humans to see then to recoil from with a white hot disgust usually reserved for molesters and tattooed Big Brother contestants.

Because life just can’t keep a hopeless victim down, Westgate Resorts (home to America’s worst investments) is making enormous profits again, and David is now completing the massive 10 kitchen travertine and gold leaf tumor. And if that doesn’t make you throw out your food stamps to get a realistic sense of what it’s like to suffer, there’s always the rest of David’s life.

Just think about this – most of you arrive at work in the morning and leave that afternoon and the rest of your time is yours to do as you please. But not me- there is no “off” button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have that freedom. I eat, live, and breathe this company every minute of the day, every day of the week. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour.

There is no billion dollars. There is nothing but a sizable fraction of that. But there is a 30 bathroom palace worth about a hundred million, give or take. That’s where David spends his nights, wondering how to get out of a loveless marriage without losing half of his hand-picked antiques and overseas holdings.