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Founding Fathers on rapid-fire assault rifles

Jan 12, 2013
fancy thinkin'

They’re just making things up about Thomas Jefferson. Which is probably necessary as he hasn’t yet embraced the Bushmaster/Colt side of the argument.

In the spirit of fighting fire with fire, a concept which the Founding Fathers likely grasped in its entirety, do you suppose they would now deny us the ability to be at least as well armed as those who would criminally abuse us?

‘. . life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Yes. That will do. Excellent. Next: How to fight fire. With . . what? The incontinent horse? No. The sodden wife? Bah. [pause] Yes! With fire! Fight fire with fire. Gadzooks, the whole concept! Now I apply it to weapons: Every Citizen Should Have A Thousand.’

When a home invader can knock down your door and point an illegally obtained, fully automatic machine pistol at your face, do you really believe your Founding Fathers wouldn’t want you to have, at the minimum, a 17 round semi-automatic handgun to abort that planned home invasion in the entryway?

‘Martha, take this down: Tis the Gentleman’s duty to obtain for Himself a high-muzzle velocity weapon and a 17 cartridge magazine. To pursue American life, full as it is with the arm-ed criminal, random skirmish and desultory volley. Now: I should be succinct, succinct being goode, and declare war. This Is War. Sincerely, Jebediah Blastloon.’

‘Yes, surely this will be a great nation. Or a fine buffalo hunt. I have partaken of too much absinthe mead again, and must go to bed good evening.’

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  1. Rev. Howard Furst  •  Jan 13, 2013 @11:58 am
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    The Bible does not support aggressive defense in situations of home invasion. In Judges 19, a gentleman is taking refuge in the home of an unnamed Levite. A gang shows up and expresses their interest in taking custody of the houseguest. Instead of opening fire with any sort of weapon or threatening to do so, the Levite protects his guest by sending his own daughter and the guest’s concubine out to be gangbanged all night, thereby distracting the home invaders from their initial assignment:

    Jdg 19:22 [Now] as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, [and] beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him.

    Jdg 19:23 And the man, the master of the house, went out unto them, and said unto them, Nay, my brethren, [nay], I pray you, do not [so] wickedly; seeing that this man is come into mine house, do not this folly.

    Jdg 19:24 Behold, [here is] my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.

    Jdg 19:25 But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.

    Home defense enthusiasts often profess some allegiance to Jehovah and Jesus in addition to their reverence for (caricatures of) the Founding Fathers, and I look forward to reconciliation of Jehovah’s suggested method for dealing with home invasion with their impulse to use firearms.

    Point of historical accuracy: Absinthe was first commercialized around 1792 in Switzerland, so I am doubtful that the Founding Fathers would have enjoyed this beverage. George Washington owned a distillery a couple miles from Mt Vernon which produced whiskey under the direction of a Scottish brewmaster. This is not to say that the Founding Fathers didn’t enjoy imported alcoholic beverages; they certainly did, but Absinthe is a stretch.

  2. toma  •  Jan 13, 2013 @12:01 pm
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    Damn! –back in a sec–

  3. toma  •  Jan 13, 2013 @12:12 pm
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    Where was I? Ah yes, a good Bible-loving American offers his daughter or mistress instead of producing his weapon? What a funny thing. I can’t imagine what all those Sylvester Stallone movies would have looked like if we’d been better Christians. ‘You’re the disease. I’m fairly sure you’ll enjoy my baby mama. Her name’s Millicent, have her back by midnight.’ Not much for dramatic tension. And is it me, or have I heard this story in another context? Weren’t the visitors buggerers?

  4. Rev. Howard Furst  •  Jan 13, 2013 @1:18 pm
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    It’s similar to the story of Lot in the events leading up to him being date-raped by his daughters in a cave to maintain the family bloodline after the fall of Sodom. Here’s a synopsis, further validating Jehovah’s endorsement of the take-my-daughters approach to averting home invasions.

    After supper that night before bedtime, the men of the city, young and old, gathered around Lot’s house demanding he bring his two guests out that they might “know” them. Lot went out and closed the door behind him and prayed that they not do such wicked things, and offered them his virgin daughters, that had not “known” man, that they might know them instead, and do with as they pleased. His response infuriated the men of Sodom who accused him of being judgmental and they threatened to do worse to him than they would have done to the men.[Gen.19:4–9]

  5. toma  •  Jan 14, 2013 @12:55 am
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    So, practical modern life: Ask who’s at the door. Bible Christian life: Hand your daughter to the Fuller Brush guy. No wonder it’s the world’s greatest bestseller, it’s thoroughly depraved.

  6. Grung_e_Gene  •  Jan 14, 2013 @6:20 am
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    You know how I know the thought of teachers or custodians walking around armed would dissuade “bad guys” from trying to shoot “good guys” because in Iraq and Afghanistan where every Soldier and Marine walks around with a rifle and they also have Apache and Howitzers no American was killed !

  7. toma  •  Jan 14, 2013 @10:56 am
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    Exactly. No one ever shoots at a soldier. And every Marine walks around with the safety off, one in the chamber, the pin pulled on the grenade, and the ICBMs armed. Freedom.