You could practically see them scheming it over. If we only had an urban hipster, we could sell it to the kids. 50 Cent? Kenny Clutch? Well, no. Somebody less wounded. If we only had a clean-cut urban hipster, we could sell it to the kids. Then we’d have them by the shorthairs, thought the NRA. Look at how crazy they are about their video games. Imagine millions of them feeling that way about their M-4s. Their Bushmasters, their Berettas. We’d never have to listen to Washington again.

“I don’t want a Glock when they have an AK. I want an AK.”

Come and meet the NRA’s new spokesman. “Urban gun enthusiast” Colion Noir:

It seems he’s for real, though the cliches couldn’t come any more pre-fabricated. And he appears to have grown up in that magical place where Sesame Street intersects Beirut.

A guy telling me to get rid of my guns when I need them the most isn’t my friend…

In this place? Your friend’s no Mr. Noodle. That guy’s some sort of monster. With a foul temper and big eyes, living in a garbage can. Also the government taking your guns is the reason why guns:

. . the same government who at one point hosed us down with water, attacked us with dogs, and wouldn’t allow us to eat at their restaurants and told us we couldn’t own guns when bumbling fools with sheets on their heads were riding around burning crosses on our lawns and murdering us.

Remember when a man couldn’t own a .22 and Rayford’s Chicken Shack was run by the War Department? Me neither. Colion should put down the Uzi and pick up a book.

David Gregory wears makeup and has a spray-on tan, and he was able to get his hands on an illegal magazine. How hard do you think it would be for Pooky, Billy, Nguyen and Jesus to get their hands on one if they wanted to?

‘Twas the the spray-tan that made Capone. Wait — what? Pooky and Jesus? Oh, I see. He can be racial because he’s Noir, very sneaky. This is Wayne LaPierre’s fitful chuck at affirmative action. And once again, there’s no point in having laws when they’re only going to get broken. There oughta be a Law. System.

I wish I had less bullets . . said no one ever who’s been in a gunfight.

Wow, this guy doesn’t say anything that isn’t total bullshit. You know who despises the idea of AK-47s being owned by you, Noir? Soldiers. Generals. People who have been in a shitload of firefights.

“I spent a career carrying typically either an M16 or an M4 Carbine. An M4 Carbine fires a .223 caliber round which is 5.56 mm at about 3000 feet per second. When it hits a human body, the effects are devastating. It’s designed for that,” McChrystal explained. “That’s what our soldiers ought to carry. I personally don’t think there’s any need for that kind of weaponry on the streets and particularly around the schools in America.”

And just who is it that dares to legislate gun-free America? No one. Nice try, pal. Next time: It’s Angelina Jolion, for Remington. With her double jiggling barrels of sexy.