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Newt Gingrich takes on the smartphone

aw dude

The thing is, don’t call this a “cell phone.” That only proves you don’t know what it is. If you knew anything at all, you would have found a word for this doohickey by now. It would have a proper name that Newt Gingrich could sign off on, for what it’s worth, which is everything. But you haven’t, and you can’t, so shut up while the reclusive genius starts a rare lecture about teleology and the Smartphone Moroccan Mongocipher. In soothing plastic, data chips and tingling mysteries, it embodies an epistemological conundrum only he appreciates but will be kind enough to hint at in the simplest terms, for you, because cows are stupid:

But think about it – if it’s taking pictures, it’s not a cell phone. If it has a McDonald’s app to tell you where McDonald’s is, based on your GPS location, that’s not a cell phone. If you can get Wikipedia or go to Google – that’s not a cell phone. If you can watch YouTube, that’s not a cell phone. Or Netflix.

Think about it.

THINK, dammit. But no you won’t because Newt just said ‘Wickee Pedia.’ Damn your petty intellect.

This device is something new and different. I’ve been calling it a handheld computer.

And he currently calls his car an “auto-MO-beele.” Newt might want to tackle the twentieth century before eyeing this one. And you, you wipe the chuckle snot from your face, peasant. Technically Newt is right, the doodad is a handheld computer. And it’s additionally a phone. So how about we call it . . The Compuphone? We good? I’m exhausted.



  1. Rev. Howard Furst  •  May 14, 2013 @3:41 am

    “Wireless telegraphic ciphering engine” is the best I can do, which might be contracted to “Wiphe”.

  2. toma  •  May 14, 2013 @7:34 am

    We may have a winner there. It’s sleek, has a good strong ‘W’ up front, only five letters, and one syllable. It’s also utterly inscrutable, like the product, at least from the Gingrich perspective. So it fits. It beats my alternatives, the “Meta-Booley” and the “Multi-Aahhh.” Neither of which really runs toward the poetic.

  3. Rev. Howard Furst  •  May 14, 2013 @7:53 am

    As a bonus, Mr. Gingrich is already accustomed to upgrading his Wiphe every couple of years!

  4. toma  •  May 14, 2013 @8:31 am

    You set me up!