Brent Bozell vs. The Schlong

Bleating media scold Brent Bozell really takes it to Disney Inc. here by way of ABC Television. Paul Schrader and Bret Easton Ellis’ pathetic romantic-torture flicker The Canyons marks the mostly-clothed debut of porn horse James Deen (nom de boink). We won’t call it going legit because he only hopes the Hollywood thing goes well enough to give him a back-up.

The business slash chutzpah architecture of the future cinema bomb is enough to give Bozell an instant palsy. But ABC reporting on a flesh star cast in a feature film surely means the four horseman are trying to cram his niece in John Holmes’ Econoline van.

ABC reporter Cecilia Vega sold Deen as a 27-year-old hazard to teenaged girls. They’re boasting that he’s found a new frontier of porn consumers, “some of them so young we couldn’t even interview them on camera. Their parents had no idea that secretly they have a crush on a porn star. It is a phenomenon that not even the man at the center of it fully understands, but it’s one that he fully defends.” Insert ooooh-ahhhh track here.

That the now-execrable Nightline takes exactly the same apocalyptic line on Deen/Sevilla’s introduction is lost. The eternal point is that it’s ABC’s job to feature only tired and cheesy Gospel. Guys with big dicks are not Christian (…laff…2…3…) Just imagine this sleazebag in a film, with his pants-meat because, well, Brent has a Paypal account and a working computer. Of all things, you can’t partner him with Miss Lindsey Lohan.

This is not Ted Koppel’s “Nightline,” watching him yammer with an expert about Iranian mullahs. This isn’t professional journalism. It’s crotch-centered tabloid fare for the MTV crowd.

After the horndog MTVers have rent Ted Koppel’s bastard liberal soul, the curtain will ring down upon the Michelangelo or Proust of our day. I have fond memories of Bob Denver, as Maynard G. Krebs, acting like Maynard G. Krebs. They say Thespis himself could play just about anything, but let’s see him as a coconut-chucking castaway. After that, we can talk.

It quickly becomes apparent that this ABC story is not a warning against Deen. It is a commercial for Deen. Anchor Juju Chang began the segment by insisting “James Deen, of course, is not his real name. It’s his porn name, and it could soon be a household name.” ABC shows you and talks about Deen’s blog, lingers over Deen’s Twitter page with 111,000 followers, as Vega cooed, “And if the visitors to his site are underage, well, Deen says that’s not something he can control.”

Walt Disney LLC begs: America go anal with this guy. Right.

Anyone spending five minutes on Deen’s blog could see ABC’s spin was ridiculous. Click on an ad and you’re quickly led to Deen’s catalog of work on Kink.com, where Deen is not “showing a little romance.” He’s slapping the spit out of his leading ladies while he dominates them sexually.

If Deen could just take a few sack-acting tips from, say, L. Brent Bozell, we wouldn’t even have a problem. If he’d been short-dicked, drunken and slapping a dot-matrix image of Phyllis Schlafly over your Eagle cameo ass tattoo, we’d have been all good. No worries m’lady. And I don’t imagine L. Brent is a bearded wimp in the bedroom any more than he is in every other room on planet Earth.

There’s even a film for sale titled “Christian Speed Dating — Innocent Girl Gangbanged on Film.” That’s in case you love the idea of four men gang-raping a virginal Christian girl. The actress — who we’re assured is over 18 but doesn’t look like it — is being strangled in the promotional picture. So much for holding hands.

Oh the XXX factories LOVE that stuff, don’t they? If Pope Francis owned a pizza joint, half of Van Nuys would have raised their transoms to let in the shirtless bow-chigga-bow delivery! guys now wearing miters. You wanted some pepperoni? Et cum spiritu tuo.

Here’s the longer sales blurb: “Donna Dolore develops a diabolical plan to get unsuspecting Christian girls who are saving themselves for marriage to lose their virginity on camera for all to see. After luring them in with promises of finding a soul mate she offers them money to do an interview about their experience for promotional material. Trusting and naive Jodi enters a hotel room to film the video, only to be ambushed and f—ed in every hole possible.”

Hint: Christian waifs rarely sport Nailenes lacquered in Champagne Clitoris.

ABC News never located an actual parent who might disapprove of Deen and this kind of filth. They never found an anti-pornography expert or a social-conservative think-tanker for a single discouraging word.

Read: They never promised a five-grand appearance fee to L. Brent Bozell. I see.

Put simply, ABC was a porn star’s pimp.

Because they wouldn’t be yours. Aww.

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