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First there is a scandal then there is no scandal then there is

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Jonah throws the Outlaw Jersey Whale* a fish.

The Christie scandal is an odd thing. Outside the peculiar context of Christie’s presidential ambitions, the idea that this should be front-page news across the country is somewhat baffling. Quick: Show of hands. Who is surprised that New Jersey politicians play hardball with other New Jersey politicians at the expense of voters and taxpayers?

The kewler kids – the ones that Jonah would be pals with, Orange Whip? Orange Whip? – trapped in their cars, hour after hopeless hour, were thinking: “The rascals!” Like that 91 year-old lady who collapsed and passed away before a traffic-snarled ambulance could help. Couldn’t stop chuckling about the timing. “I’m dying but I know a good one when I see it – Fort Lee getting the ole fungoo…” Hunhh, plop. America! And: Jonah Goldberg.

Are you also shocked that bears use our national forests for toilets? Are you shocked that dogs lick their nether regions without much concern about who might be watching? Does it blow your mind that the pope is Catholic?

*wheeeze* LORDY JONAH I BEG OF YOU. A word about airplane food and the milk will sploosh from my nose.

…come on! You have to wonder how some of the folks in the media can look at themselves in the mirror. The three network news shows have devoted orders of magnitude more coverage to a story about closed lanes on the George Washington Bridge than they have to the IRS scandal. I know this is not a new insight, but WHAT THE HELL!?

Right, because these little things are silly. Banal. Cliche. Right? Trivial.

The IRS scandal is a cancer because if you can’t trust Obama to keep that agency from being politicized, you can’t trust him to keep anything immune from politics — including healthcare and, more relevant, the National Security Agency.

Ominous. Cancerous. Confusing. Especially because so many people are wondering about Chris Christie, in the same way. The Goldberg way. Right now. This instant.

Rich Lowry, you’re Jonah’s boss. Anything to add?

Because there is no such thing as an irrelevant abuse of power, the media’s keen interest in the Governor Chris Christie drama has been necessary and welcome.

Right. So Jonah Goldberg is a useless no-good idiot. Imbecile. Jerk. Politicians using their powers to punish civilians is not a thing to be tossed off as hilarious. It’s a brutish thing. Scabrous. Not typical. Not trivial. Jonah?

Obama’s whole shtick is to pretend that he’s above politics while being rankly political about everything, including his stated desire to “punish our enemies.” By comparison, Chris Christie looks like Diogenes and Cincinnatus rolled into one. From inauguration day forward, this whole crew has behaved like Chicago goons dressed in Olympian garb, and the press has fallen for it.

Jump cut. Shoulder to shoulder in the White House press room, two reporters, from the AP and Reuters:

“Like gangsters in togas?”
“Yup, at first. That’s what I thought.”
“Wow.”
“I know. I completely fell for it.”

Fucking genius.

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2 COMMENTS

2 Comments

  1. Grung_e_Gene  •  Jan 12, 2014 @7:14 am
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    But but but but OBAMA!?!

    Pantload Chickenhawk Jonah doesn’t disappoint.

    It’s just Jersey hardballl not like OBAMA!?! and This is good news…. FOR CHRIS CHRISTIE who is the re-incarnation of George Washington (the oblique Cincinnatus reference) not because of the GW Bridge Scandal…

    Ummm, OBAMA!!!

  2. toma  •  Jan 12, 2014 @10:17 am
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    He’s a fat asshole who’s also a popular Republican. It puts him into the bullet-proof pantheon. Can he get out of New Jersey, though? That’s the question. Rick Perry is stuck in Texas, Jerry Brown can’t get out of California.