Only in Texas could Ted Nugent be an attorney general’s friend

The Texas Attorney General and The Nuge.

Rocker Ted Nugent and Attorney General Greg Abbott, the presumed GOP nominee for governor, praised each other as fighters for freedom at a Tuesday campaign event…

Nugent called Abbott “the epitome of what our founding fathers wanted as a representative of ‘we the people,’” and said Abbott has an understanding of individual rights and has fought “the enemies of these freedoms.” He introduced Abbott as “my friend” and “my blood brother.”

Abbott called Nugent “a fighter for freedom in this country.”

What a strange pair. Sure they’re both right-wing narcissists with designs to conquer the world. They both have their eyes on the White House, unlikely as that destination seems for either one. In those ways they’re much alike.

But it’s not from ambitions we draw any contrast here. What makes them an odd couple is the difference between what they appear to be. The Texas Attorney General is a pillar of law enforcement and Ted Nugent is a miscreant.

Here’s Abbott on Abbott, from his website:

A husband and father, Greg Abbott understands the importance of preserving Constitutional, traditional values – like faith, family and freedom for future generations. That’s why as the state’s chief law enforcement official, Abbott has made protecting children, families and values the focus of his administration.

Shortly after taking office, Attorney General Abbott established a Cyber Crimes Unit to arrest criminals who use the Internet to prey upon children; a Fugitive Unit to arrest convicted sex offenders who violate their parole; and an expanded Medicaid Fraud Control Unit to crack down on elder abuse and waste of taxpayer dollars. Since taking office, General Abbott has collected more than $28 billion in child support for Texas children.

Here he sings his own praises in a 2010 campaign ad:

“He’s arrested more criminals than any Texas attorney general, including thousands of child predators and sex offenders…”

Now here is Greg’s good buddy, Ted Nugent:

He lambastes drug users and alcohol drinkers, but repeatedly admits (without a trace of humility, however) to being a serial pedophile.

In 1978

Seventeen-year-old Hawaii native Pele Massa was too young to marry Nugent. So Nugent made an agreement with the girl’s parents to become her legal guardian. This was rated #63 on Spin magazine’s “100 Sleaziest Moments in Rock” list.

Legally sanctioned pedophilia. Is that a pillar of conservatism? Also:

Courtney Love phoned into the Howard Stern Show on Monday before eventually coming into the studio where she made the shocking allegation that one of the first times she had oral sex was with Ted Nugent. She said she was young and she didn’t want to say exactly how old she was, but eventually confessed she was 12-year-old — which would have made Nugent approximately 28 years old at the time.

If Nugent weren’t Abbott’s sixty-something pal he might have ended up in a 30-second ad for the AG. And Greg Abbott stopped a child molester’s scheme to take legal possession of a minor. Presumably this would only happen after Abbott found the time to make such a pitch, in between campaign stops with a hippie criminal.

More via Abbott’s website:

Attorney General Greg Abbott has set a record for the most child support collected by any state in history.

Since Abbott took office as attorney general in 2002, he has collected more than $27 billion through his office’s Child Support Division.

“Efficient, effective child support collections help ensure that young Texans have the resources they need to grow healthy and strong. Thanks to the hard work and dedication of Child Support Division employees, child support collections continue to increase in the State of Texas. This success not only helps children all across the state, but it also ensures that parents – not the taxpayers – financially support their children.” –Attorney General Greg Abbott

And more with Ted Nugent, on the matter of children:

He has had two wives and has eight children, including three out of wedlock in two liaisons almost 30 years apart. In the late 1960s, prior to his first marriage, Nugent fathered a boy, Ted (Mann) and a girl, whom he gave up for adoption in infancy. This did not become public knowledge until 2010…In 2005 Nugent was involved in a legal battle for not paying enough child support for a child he had out of wedlock in 1995.[It was finally resolved when Nugent was ordered to pay $3,500 in child support.]

Fellow conservative Debbie Schlussel:


BabyDaddy Ted Nugent w/ Ted Mann, 42, One of the Many Kids He Fathered & Abandoned

It’s hilarious to read Ted Nugent’s book, “Ted, White, and Blue: The Nugent Manifesto” which has a whole chapter lecturing Black America on “sexual ethics” and “sexual restraint,” and beseeches Black men to stop fathering children out of wedlock, telling them about the horrible results that happen to kids born without a dad. Um, Ted, POT. KETTLE. BLACK. (Or in this case, White.)…

Yup, Nugent now gives NBA and NFL players some pretty stiff competition in the babydaddy, out-of-wedlock birth category. He recently discovered another one of several kids he gave up for adoption (other kids’ mothers have sued him for child support).

Maybe if we asked Greg Abbott he’d vouch for The Nuge’s family values, albeit in a ‘strong seed’ sort of way. The right-to-life constituency might dig it.

What do you think the next Texas governor feels about the military, hmm?

My brother is a retired Commander from the United States Navy. He served 20 years in the mightiest military the world has ever known.

We never say thank you enough to our military. If you’ve ever worn the uniform of the United States military will you please wave your hand so we can say, “thank you for your service.”

More from his website:

Protect Military Bases and Forces in Texas

The U.S. Armed Forces fight for our freedom, and we owe it to Texas servicemen and women to fight for their funding. As Governor, Greg Abbott will ensure Texas is aggressive in battling defense cuts that could harm our military and will work to protect our military communities.

Now how about you, Ted?

Interviewer: How did you get out of the draft?

Ted Nugent: …I got my physical notice 30 days prior to. Well, on that day I ceased cleansing my body. No more brushing my teeth, no more washing my hair, no baths, no soap, no water. Thirty days of debris build. I stopped shavin’ and I was 18, had a little scraggly beard, really looked like a hippie. I had long hair, and it started gettin’ kinky, matted up. Then two weeks before, I stopped eating any food with nutritional value. I just had chips, Pepsi, beer – stuff I never touched – buttered poop, little jars of Polish sausages, and I’d drink the syrup, I was this side of death, Then a week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. Poop, piss the whole shot. My pants got crusted up.

See, I approached the whole thing like, Ted Nugent, cool hard-workin’ dude, is gonna wreak havoc on these imbeciles in the armed forces. I’m gonna play their own game, and I’m gonna destroy ’em.

And so he did. The imbeciles assumed he was too scared to shoot people in Vietnam.

“… if I would have gone over there, I’d have been killed, or I’d have killed, or I’d kill all the hippies in the foxholes … I would have killed everybody,” he told the Detroit Free Press in an interview published July 15, 1990.

Maybe the draft board knew what they were doing. When Ted showed up caked in his own shit, started weeping uncontrollably and then passed out when they tried to take his blood, the Army essentially had no choice. Even if he was faking everything they made the right call. Anyone harboring that much disdain for military service would make a crappy soldier.

Greg Abbott, law-and-order guy, could learn a thing or two here. Recruiting a legendary draft-dodging child molester to bolster your campaign would be a stupid idea. Greg would do better to change his calculations, especially after having spent so much of his career trying to protect Texas from dirtbags like Ted Nugent.