Republican outreach to the sexy gender

Half of us are sex people. Did you know? I learned all about that after listening to Republican politicians tell me about women. I found out what they are really like, how they behave, and the ways their sneaky bodies work for instance. I learned all sorts of surprising things about women that only Republicans once knew. Most importantly I now know that women better cut it out.

So it wasn’t surprising they didn’t vote for Republicans in the last election. After all when sex is all you’re interested in it isn’t much fun being told to take a cold shower. If I were fat I wouldn’t want to hear anybody tell me to go on a diet. If I were stupid I wouldn’t want to hear anybody tell me to go back to school – no matter how right they were. Or how righteous they were. No one likes having their dirty disgusting flaws pointed out.

Republicans have just figured this out. It won’t do them any good to scold the sex people any more. Instead they’ve now decided to give up and embrace the Great American Whore. Even to have fun with her. As far as they’re currently concerned if a slut has her mind set on fornication she might as well knock herself out. Just remember, Jezebel, that out there amongst all the sportfucking atheists and rap stars there’s only one man who will surely disrespect you in the morning. The way you richly deserve. And that man, of course, would be…Daddy.

Three of the four GOP candidates for Colorado governor took part in a debate Tuesday that was meant to reassure women that Republicans have their best interests in mind…At the start of the “Women and Colorado’s Future” debate, the moderator explained that it would be like a dating game, where a panel of four women could interview the three “bachelors” — former Congressman Bob Beauprez, former state Senate Minority Leader Mike Kopp, and Secretary of State Scott Gessler.

This is smart. Because women don’t like politics as much as they like dating. Because, c’mon, late night legs up sack time. So this is a great idea. What’s your favorite movie, Ace? Who’s your favorite Backstreet Boy? Where’s the most interesting place you ever made whoopee? Back there? Spunky boy, take my number.

The moderator invited the women to join the stage, saying, “It’s so much more ornamental if the four of you would be on the stage with the four of us.”

And women are like the pretty things you put on a Christmas tree. Like tinsel. Or a tiny creche. Or an abortion on a wire hanger courtesy of Michelle Malkin, if you’re lucky.

Theme music from The Dating Game TV show played as the panelists took their seats.

Not the Jeopardy theme mind you. Because what, like answering questions? Republicans might also try playing whatever Oprah puts on her CD player when she’s spooning Stedman. A woman would love that. Or maybe playing the theme from The Bachelor or anything from Time/Life’s Bésame Mucho collection.

It’s not so unusual for candidates to frame women’s political interests as a metaphor for dating…Republican strategist Alex Castellanos once noted on CNN after a presidential debate that women would not be “turned on” by the candidates.

Alex was correct. Women found Mitt Romney boring, emotionally unavailable and wooden (the bad way). It didn’t help that he never took them out in public. On the other hand, he had piles of money and thick hair you could run your silly little fingers through. Which is not a bad start – for a married man.

Gessler did acknowledge Republicans could change their “tone and tenor” when discussing women, possibly referencing the Todd Akin-like scandals of the GOP. “In recent years, the Republican Party has sometimes seemed disrespectful or harsh,” he said. “We can’t come off as judgmental.”

Because it turns ladies off. For example: “You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers it will be your fault.” This was the famous tone and tenor of rock-ribbed Republican and forever-bachelor Mel Gibson. Who I’m sure has donated plenty of cash to the modern crusaders out to take down his greatest foes, abortion and capital gains taxes. But enough man-talk…

In fact, Republicans who face female opponents for the midterms are getting coached in how not to offend them.

So now lucky you, you’ve got this. You’re welcome, honey.