Rick Perry in all his urgent glory

He’s got great hair, nerdy new glasses – they make him look less stupefied – and, best of all, he’s got a golden political opportunity. Texas Governor Rick Perry won’t let those bedraggled immigrant children on his border go to waste.

The governor’s office confirmed this morning that Rick Perry will order 1,000 National Guard troops to the Texas border to beef up patrols in South Texas.

Now this is how a future president responds to a humanitarian crisis.

Perry said he is concerned about the human costs of allowing cartel, gangs and criminals to come across the border while the Border Patrol is preoccupied with the surge of unaccompanied children.

“The price of inaction is too high for Texans to pay,” Perry said.

So Perry will deploy the military. He could have sent food and water to the border, and that would have gone a longer way to combating the crisis, but there are the many bullet-ridden bodies of Texans littering the streets to consider first, so the National Guard gets the call. Godspeed everybody, and let us know when the barns and arroyos have been cleared of rebels.

The guard troops will be embedded with state troopers and other law enforcement because they cannot legally detain someone on their own authority.

“I will not stand idly by while American citizens are attacked and children are living in squalor,” Perry said in explaining his action.

Hell no not the Rickster. He will not stand idly by, presumably because children living in squalor has been his gig all along:

There was a 47 percent increase in the rate of Texas children living in poverty from 2000 to 2011, according to the Kids Count report by the Center for Public Policy Priorities… Twenty-seven percent of Texas children were living in poverty in 2011, a rate that put the Lone Star State among the nine worst states.

Perry became governor back in 2000. The only governors more dismissive of child poverty over the same period are his Republican fraternity pals in neighboring Southern states, so there’s a cross-border competitiveness in play here.

But even more than that, there’s a White House in play. And there’s a certain thoughtful, bespectacled Southern politician who is dead-set on taking up residence there in 2017. Luckily for him there are millions of conservative voters now staring at his porous border. They see the violence-plagued children that breach it every day, and they worry what will come next. Can’t anybody take responsibility for this problem? Isn’t there someone who can fix it?

PERRY: We either have an incredibly inept administration or they’re in on this somehow. I hate to be conspiratorial, but how do you move that many people from Central America across Mexico and into the United States without there being a fairly coordinated effort?

Of course there is. Rick Perry’s your man.

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