Goldberg: TV vampires aren’t cool because they’re Jewish stereotypes

You probly think you’re some sort of real cool cat. Because you listen to rock n’ roll music or you watch a horror show on TV. Well aren’t you something special? But tell me, Damone, are you cool enough to dig some…reality?

[True Blood] was intended from the outset to provide running commentary on gay issues. It was never subtle about this. The opening credit sequence shows a sign like you might see outside a small town church or fire station that reads “God Hates Fangs.”

This is about what intullexyools call ‘subtext.’ Sometimes it’s more interesting than what’s happening on screen. Sometimes the story even has a second secret meaning, behind the first secret one, that only the very smartest people can fathom. This is why we keep ole’ Jonah around. And Hollywood – you listening here? J’Accuse.

According to True Blood’s own storyline, vampires have been evil, bigoted, cruel, and murderous for millennia. They have their own secret, manipulative agenda. They control events from dark corners. They quite literally have the power to brainwash people. Not surprisingly, the comparison to vampires is a classic staple of anti-Semitism.

MIND BOMB. Cold steel knowledge dropped on you from out of the clear blue sky. And screw your 13 year-old niece, the jew-hating bitch. Incidentally it’s only Jonah who made the ‘comparison’, but liberal fascism is a specialty of his and therefore a one way street.

First the whole original storyline is about how Bill Compton is different than other vampires because he’s noble and decent, suggesting the other vamps aren’t.

…vamps. Man this post is really swingin’ along at a pace, what with the three less letters weighing it down. Oh the freewheeling verve elan and panache it oozes.

Second, try to make that kind of “it’s not all gays” or “it’s not all blacks” or (outside of the Middle East, U.N. or, increasingly, MSNBC) “it’s not all Jews” argument without sounding bigoted. Hey, I can’t be anti-vampire, some of my best friends are vampires!

If you’re waiting to hear how all the show’s vampires are hand-rubbing moneylenders or Hollywood movie producers, forget it. Jonah’s far too clever for that.

And, third, let me explain something else: Shut up.

Riposte! Goddamn what would discourse be without Jonah Goldberg? Sadly, pointed and productive. But how could we ever go on living without ever having to read stuff like this?

Conservatism is the Ramones at CBGB – loud, fast and alive. In contrast, liberalism is the headliner at a state fair concert. It’s Foghat, serenading its anesthetized fans as America slow rides into decline…

Let’s remind ourselves that Jonah’s all-time favorite film is Star Wars.

Yeah, Obama’s been through the desert on a horse with no name, and when he left the desert he called it a victory even though ISIS took over.

Obama’s buying a stairway to heaven, but then it was made by Neville Chamberlain. Like, whoa.