Starring Ann Coulter in “Faster African! Die! Die!”

The question for today: What makes a hero?

There’s always some argument about this. We can’t agree who deserves to be called ‘heroic.’ For example: Can football players be heroes? You ask me: No. If they can do something great off the field, then I’ll be impressed. Otherwise they’re only grown men playing games. What about politicians? No, probably not. Very rarely do they become heroes. The few who do usually then become martyrs.

How about a soldier? Can he or she be a hero? If you ask Ann Coulter, the answer is clear.

[Pat] Tillman was an American original: virtuous, pure and masculine like only an American male can be. The stunningly handsome athlete walked away from a three-year, $3.6 million NFL contract with the Arizona Cardinals to join the U.S. military and fight in Afghanistan, where he was killed in April.

Here’s what Coulter finds so impressive:

He wanted no publicity and granted no interviews about his decision to leave pro football in the prime of his career and join the Army Rangers…

Tillman gave only an indirect explanation for his decision on the day after 9/11, when he said: “My great grandfather was at Pearl Harbor, and a lot of my family has gone and fought in wars, and I really haven’t done a damn thing as far as laying myself on the line like that.” He said he wanted to “pay something back” to America.

He died bringing freedom and democracy to 28 million Afghans… There is not another country in the world — certainly not in continental Europe — that could have produced a Pat Tillman.

He gave up a lucrative career to serve overseas, in a dangerous country. And he fought to bring “freedom and democracy to 28 million Afghans.” I don’t know about you, but color me impressed. While I’m not at all yet convinced the Afghans enjoy the freedom and democracy Pat brought them, I have no doubt he thought it was the right thing to do. And he died doing it. If you want to call him a hero, I’m pretty much okay with that.

Now, what about a doctor? Can a doctor be a hero? Ann Coulter:

I wonder how the Ebola doctor feels now that his humanitarian trip has cost a Christian charity much more than any services he rendered.

What was the point?… Why did Dr. Brantly have to go to Africa? The very first “risk factor” listed by the Mayo Clinic for Ebola — an incurable disease with a 90 percent fatality rate — is: “Travel to Africa.”

How confusing. Going to dangerous places and saving innocent lives are what make a man magnificently virile and American. If I remember correctly, that’s the sort of heroism that only this country’s males are capable of. And here we have a perfect example of indigenous selfless service, but Ann doesn’t seem to be turned on in the least. Just look at this title: Ebola Doc’s Condition Downgraded to ‘Idiotic’. She thinks this doctor is a complete dork.

What’s going on here? Can you help us out, Ann? Why is it that Tillman is so sexy and Brantly so stupid? Well, Ann informs me, it’s because America is in deep trouble. The country happens to be caught “in a pitched battle for its soul.” Huh?

More than 40 percent of babies are born out of wedlock. Despite the runaway success of “midnight basketball,” a healthy chunk of those children go on to murder other children, rape grandmothers, bury little girls alive — and then eat a sandwich. A power-mad president has thrown approximately 10 percent of all Americans off their health insurance — the rest of you to come! All our elite cultural institutions laugh at virginity and celebrate promiscuity.

So no, there’s nothing for a Christian to do here.

D’oh sarcasm. Brantly would have been quite the courageous and hunky doctor if only he’d tried to do something noble. I’d call him a hero if he’d simply dedicated his life to, say, stopping people from snickering at virtuous old maids, like Ann Coulter. Or if he’d turned to vigorously castigating the celebrities who flouted our norms, like Manhattan society slattern Ann Coulter. Right. If you think she’s just engaging in rough hyperbole, think again. That’s actually what Ann believes.

If Dr. Brantly had practiced at Cedars-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles and turned one single Hollywood power-broker to Christ, he would have done more good for the entire world than anything he could accomplish in a century spent in Liberia…

If he had provided health care for the uninsured editors, writers, videographers and pundits in Gotham and managed to open one set of eyes, he would have done more good than marinating himself in medieval diseases of the Third World.

Such is Virtue, Ann tells us. Above all the world’s other evils – over war, famine, pestilence, and death – it’s ‘liberalism’ that good men are obliged to vanquish. Accordingly, Ann probably believes that Pat Tillman was only shooting at some version of Afghanistan’s Democrats. And, of course, when the Hollywood pansies finally premiere Dr. Brantly, Medicine Man, she’ll be the one throwing Milk Duds from the back row. Until Jon Voight gets that remake of The Searchers green-lighted, where all the Comanches look like Kennedys, that’s about all of the movie-fun she can handle.

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