Stop crying and fight your father

The aluminum pole, centered in the living room, shone lovely and bright. The meatloaf simmered in the oven, and the spaghetti whirled on the boil. Both were very soon to be plated, to the delight of a beloved family and the cherished holiday-gathered. And so the moment approached. It would soon be time for the Airing Of Grievances.

In a New York Times op-ed piece last December, for example, Gail Collins derided the American Family Asoociation and others for embracing “a seasonal victimhood” that is meant to force stores to link corporate greed with the birth of Jesus Christ.

Nothing could be further from the truth, but we learned long ago that the secular news media sometimes cares little for the truth when it comes to evangelical Christians. A good smear is quicker and cheaper than actually trying to understand us.

You’re right. I always assumed that you, Bryan Fischer, and the AFA were such fishhead fools that you couldn’t possibly be understood by capacious brainpan Homo sapiens, like myself. So I will dispense with the elitist nonsense. And I will try harder in the future to fathom your deepwater bilge-burps, so that your fish feelings will be less inclined to painfully, or even permanently, bruise. And I will furthermore try my best to avoid an even worse fate, perhaps, in abandoning your salten fee-fees to rot with the rest of you, after you’re carelessly gaffed and hauled aboard by slavering splay-legged orangutans like me, sentient and yeah a little hungry – thanks for asking – in the mid-day sun.

Joseph Farah:

With all the attacks on Christmas in recent years, I wonder how much of the fun and delight of Christmas has been robbed from our kids.

And haven’t the children all been sad? Not a single one wants a toy this year, and I blame myself.

But, of course, the attacks are not really directed at Christmas, at all. Christmas is only a target of the secular jihadists of the American Civil Liberties Union and their co-conspirators at Americans United For Separation of Church and State; their ultimate goal is destroying what Christmas represents.

…to destroy the Winter Solstice? My pal Igor is going to have to build a much bigger gyroscope before that happens. He’s going to have to fire up a whirlygig about the size of Paramus before we can lift this bitch out of its lazy orbit. Here in California the fire season has expanded from its hot-blooded temporal habits to include every day of the year, and this isn’t normal. Or good. But those are hardly reasons to move out of the solar system, I think. Barry Loudermilk:

“It’s always been an honored time but just recently it seems like it has gotten to the point where we have to even defend our rights that are given to us to celebrate the birth of Christ and even just the celebration of Christmas has been under fire by the far-left,” he said.

The forsaken Asterisk Amendment. You have the right to celebrate His Birth. This one was written in fresh lemon juice, and you can see it clearly by putting a match to The Bill Of Rights. This is, of course, all they’ve been trying to do for two centuries.

Loudermilk later said that people throughout the country “lost their sense of hope” and pride but will ultimately persevere, comparing America to George Bailey of “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

George ran into a little money trouble. So like a good little dear, he swore off his family and jumped into a river – or at least he tried. But he was lousy at that, as he was with pretty much everything else, until a manifestation intervened and then…all was…*bliss* Anyone can see that this is a ham-handed remake of the Ronald Reagan story but with Alzheimer’s taking the Clarence Odbody part. Why conservative America would liken itself to a suicidal flop soon to be rendered hopelessly insane is a bit of a mystery.

Happy Festivus everyone!