Free to wallow in their own crapulence

2015 looks to be the Year Of The Republican. Let’s not pretend otherwise, they’re the ones who’ve got the political world on a string. It’s their turn to run the show. The House will stay in the GOP’s hip pocket, the Senate will turn over to a Republican majority, and the country’s twenty-eight conservative governors will become even more overwhelmingly conservative. Pretty soon Mike Huckabee will giddily announce his bid for the presidency, Mitch McConnell will sadly call for impeachment, and the Reverend Gordon ‘Dr. Chaps’ Klingenschmitt will take his seat in a Colorado delegation rather than one in any corner room of a proper sanitarium. All tolled, it looks like 2015 will be a pretty darn good year for the Olde Douche.

Don’t doubt for a minute that Fox News isn’t already aware of it. It looks as if they’re going out of their way – from day one – to remind everybody just how sweet, fruity and delicate their vintage of A-HOLE is. With this segment, and in this heartwarming case, the traditionalist Americans are here to remind you that they care sincerely about helping women:

AINSLEY: It is a new year and that means it is time for some new relationships in your life. So how can you navigate building new bridges this year whether it’s in the workplace or if it’s in the dating world or in your family?

What gal wouldn’t be happy to get a few relationship pointers from Roger Ailes?

CLAYTON: Well, ladies, listen up. Ladies, we’re talking to you. If you still don’t have a new year’s resolution, could this be it? A new dating guide is offering some honest advice on how to get a husband.

To begin with, if you’re watching Fox and Friends today – a perfectly good holiday – you’re in real trouble. More depressingly, if your new year’s resolution is to ‘get a husband’ you’re probably beyond any practical help. Now might be a good time to fix yourself a heaping bowl of Banana Nut Clorox.

PETER: The first one is: No matter where a woman was in life she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.

AINSLEY: Oh wow. Of course, a man is writing that.

Damn straight. And how ’bout you mull that over for a second, eh toots?

CLAYTON: This is part of your new year’s resolutions, right? You wanted to…

AINSLEY: …I do want, yeah. I do want to be a better wife. I’m going to be a better wife.

There, that’s better. ONE down.

PETER: How about this one: When he gets his ego stroked, he’ll be more inclined to love you more.

AINSLEY: THAT’S TRUE.

CLAYTON: That’s absolutely true.

AINSLEY: THAT IS TRUE.

Ding-ding, TWO down. What a serving of tasty advice. Please, douche, can I have some more? For that holiday second helping, we turn directly to Fox’s romance experts:

On why women should “stroke his ego”:

Single man: “‘Cater 2 U’ [by Destiny’s Child] should be on every woman’s playlist and kept on repeat…”

This is a fabulously spineless tip. Ladies, play your melodious slavery suggestions at bedtime and have them insinuated into your subconscious brain overnight. Wake up thoroughly refreshed and pre-programmed the next day, ready to get yourself a man. With an unsettling gleam in your eyes, and a smoking chainsaw in your hands. Look out boys, this one’s got ideas.

Similarly, I believe it would also be perfectly sensible, relationship-wise – let’s call it ‘beneficial’ – for any suitor worthy of matrimony to have a loop of Glenn Danzig barking ‘MOTHERRR!’ in the lava-hot center of his head, night and day. For the purposes of either gender, frankly, any of the typical torture techniques can be employed to render oneself a weeping blob of Jell-O and turn the heads of potential partners your way. Especially when they’re currently working in the now closely-related fields of mental health or homeland security.

PETER: …well there’s one way that you could, this third way: Prepare his meals, draw him a bath and massage his feet every now and then.

CLAYTON: My wife’s at home taking notes right now. Absolutely. She already does cook meals, she’s a fantastic cook.

Ainsley was only partly down with this third one.

…once you start though, women, you’ve got to continue it. So if you start this in the dating, you’ve got to continue all the way through…

Don’t go all Downton Abbey on Master Tenderfoot and then later proclaim for some reason that you belong upstairs. Once you know your place, girls, consider it best just to stay there. And try not to tip over Master’s pisspots (idiots). Asked to weigh in on the matter I suppose I’d have to agree with the experts. After a year of my last girlfriend carrying me around in a sedan chair, I got used to it. Not long after she stabbed me in the face with a hot poker, I began to miss it.

Clayton comes back:

My wife does cook. And she does give me foot massages.

Good little wife! Arf arf! Okay, yeah I should probably refrain from being so un-romantic and sentimental. I should really make an effort to applaud the little bliss-besotted Fox acolytes of this desperate, wind-swept world. Fine then, alright. Well done FX-11000! YOU HAVE BONDED STATUS WITHIN THE HUMAN MATRIX. And you’re all welcome.

Any more insights for the ladies? Yes, more from Fox’s relationship experts. Here are two revelations from which you can learn everything you ever wanted to know about male infidelity, forever. First:

“…when it comes to a woman, a man is a natural predator. He stalks his prey and pounces every chance he gets until she either gives in or ignores his every advance. That animal instinct in us is what feeds our lust and causes us to lose all sense of what is rational and right or wrong.”

A man needs to have sex with every woman he sees, just like a lion. It’s called Nature. Second:

“A man who cheats is looking for someone to fulfill a part of him that his lady is not, plain and simple. Whether physical, emotional or social, if there is an imbalance in the relationship, he will seek balance.”

Big butts bring me down, woman. And a man needs balance. Yeah right, douche.

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