Bleat bleat go the robo-children

World renowned child development experts Dolce and Gabbana – on the attack.

“We oppose gay adoptions. The only family is the traditional one.” They also criticized in vitro fertilization and surrogate parents by saying, “No chemical offspring and rented uterus: life has a natural flow, there are things that should not be changed.”

This is just in case you thought, “I wonder what the 10th Mountain Silk And Taffeta Division think of my kids.” Go on, read it and weep:

“You are born to a mother and a father — or at least that’s how it should be. I call children of chemistry, synthetic children.”

I defy Dolce and/or Gabbana to pore over, sniff up and down, prod or paw at any newborn child and then declare to the world exactly how it was conceived. Good luck geniuses. The denigration of their fellow human beings is classic bigotry. Because they’re uncomfortable with IVF technology, they spout half-baked ideas about mercenary uteruses and chemical embryos when all we’re really talking about is “human biology.” You ought to know better, you two born-gay dicks. Oh look, cyborgs can talk.

Speaking as two donor-conceived young women—alive because of reproductive technologies—we felt an urgent need to respond…in support of Dolce and Gabbana.

Friends, my name is Foghorn Leghorn. And I’d like a minute of your time to tell you about the hard workin’ folks over at Foster Farms…

Those of us conceived non-traditionally are full human beings with equal capacity in every regard—no one need question our humanity. It is not our individual, case-by-case worth as humans that is debatable; rather, it is how we value human beings in general that warrants discussion.

Let’s discuss whether “synthetic children” are properly valued in this world. Seems to me their remarkable existence answers the question. That is, until some asshole declares that they’re all fakes, and then people like you step in to pretend there’s a great philosophical quandary behind the insult.

Has anyone asked [Elton] John for how much he purchased his kids? How much money he and Furnish paid the boy’s genetic and birth mother for their absence and invisibility?

How much money did your mom and dad pay the hospital, huh? GOTCHA! God knows that natural pork-style babies don’t cost anything at all. And throwing yourself one of those “shower” thingies isn’t for defraying any sort of insane costs, it’s for drowning your kid in a bucket of warm water while everybody stands around and cheers – saving yourself millions and millions of dollars.

I (Alana) remember when I was in school and I told my then-best friend the truth about my conception. When our friendship frayed, as tween friendships do, she released my secret as gossip—invisible, quiet, and as poisonous as carbon monoxide fumes—and I became the “test-tube girl.” The label was humiliating.

…which may have something to do with why that nasty little bitch – hup, I mean Domenico Dolce – still gets my wounded respect. And you can untie my hands and remove the ballgag now, I promise I won’t say a word.

And I (Hattie) have undergone a strikingly similar experience; my mother informed me of my true parentage when I was 14, and it was, as they say, irrevocable.

Now I can never go back to the lie! Sniff, bastards.

My mother’s then-husband had waited until they divorced to permit her to tell me, and the revelation of his not being my biological father clarified an overwhelming amount of issues between us. For a multitude of reasons—his background, my personality and beliefs, our lack of biological connection—the cards were stacked against our having a conventional, loving father-daughter relationship. And we didn’t.

We had a bad relationship. Then I found out he wasn’t my dad, and that’s when I knew it was all my fault. Do natural children ever feel this way, or is it only something that comes with being synthetic? See if you can find anything in the engineering section by Judy Blume.