Someone has got a nasty case of the Hillary vapors, but it’s no big deal. Certainly Andrew Klavan would be doing this even if he weren’t getting paid. Hell he’s probably been doing this since that snooty negress sat right down behind the bus driver. The rest of us figure it’s too early to bother with who’ll be president in 2020, but Klavan confronts us with a little what-if and so we play along. Whatcha thinkin’ there, Andude?
Holy crap man, just imagine (…is what he thinks). I mean jeez if we’re – try to stay with me here, this gets real crazy I know – gonna go soft and elect a female president, then what the hell and why not? Why not have Jessica Simpson sitting in the Oval Office? Why not have Tawny Kitaen telling Congress what to do? Why not have Pia Zadora starting a nuclear war? Think of all the possibilities.
1. Zooey Deschanel: Don’t you think? She’s so cute and zany. She’s female. …those adorable bangs would enliven any press conference.
Just like Clinton, she’s female. But her forehead is festooned with the come-hither hairlets and Andrew really loves him a boner. Can’t tell you how very much unlike Shrillery she is, with those dreaded high harpy locks. Not a single time has Andy been driven to public masturbation while watching one of her press conferences. Teh sadz.
2. Scarlett Johansson: Female; better than Obama. And, I mean, if we’re going to have a woman president why not a What-A-Woman President? Va-va-va-voom, am I right, boys?
Female; better than Obama. This is the place where I ask you honestly whether or not you get the joke. Just in case Andrew happens to be reading – female huh?! Get it?! And do you want Scarlett Johansson’s vagina, or what?!
3. Lucille Ball: Female; better than Obama; and dead, so she can’t do any damage.
Still can’t parallel park a car either. zing.
4. Taraji P. Henson: As someone who opposes racism, I’ve worried that…
…in case you thought Andrew was somehow some sort of asshole, watch him namecall a full-blown Unterperson. Dig yourselves a black woman whom of course every hooded Baptist and Pat Buchanan delegate loves and respects. Hey we’re only talking shop here, folks. And you can say the name ‘Taraji’ aloud and render Bill Buckley’s sphincter unto the quantum mechanical world, so we have ourselves a sort of victory. Seriously, nice going Bitchhate.