Damon Wayans a la Zapp Branigan

HULLO EVERYBODY I’m Damon Wayans and I’m funny as fuck. Or at least I used to be that way a long time ago on a Fox comedy thing with a lot of other talented people. But don’t you for a second think that I only disappeared into obscurity after taking a half-hearted Hollywood stab at Sandler-esque fame and fortune.

No. I’m relevant and topical and super smart and here’s what I would do if I were serial sexual assault c’mon-bruh-you-kidding-me? felon Bill Cosby:

“Tell the truth,” Wayans responded. “If I was him, I would divorce my wife, give her all my money, and then I would go do a deposition. I would light one of them three-hour cigars. I’d have some wine and maybe a quaalude, and I would just go off, because I don’t believe that he was raping.”

I’d be like the “HO HO” and “HA HA” with the cigar and the clownish behavior, but not with the wife or my shiny millions or historic career. I’d be like HERE I AM BILL COSBY JUST A NOBODY LIKE MY FRIEND DAMON WHO’S A GENIUS TAKE THAT YOU FIFTY (OR SO) LYING WOMEN.

“I believe he was in relationships with all of them and then he’s like, ‘You know what? At 78, it don’t work like that no more. I can’t get it up for any of y’all. Bye, b—-es.’ And then they’re like, ‘Oh, really? Rape.’”

Yes. FOR 40 YEARS THE WOMEN I RAPED TRULY LOVED ME UMM NOW I CAN’T GET IT UP THEY’RE ALL BITCHES. If only reality were a 70s porn tape, that would make some sense. But it does bring up a straightforward solution. Isn’t there someone who could step in and, you know, stick it to the victims real good? Ply them all with some celebrity dick and get them to moan/coo and otherwise shut the hell up? Damon?

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