Try looking at it from up here

For some people Global Warming is a very serious problem. Because it’s not easy to argue that an entire planet is mistaken. How does a dumb blogger persuade everyone they’re all wrong? How does a B-minus business major convince a bunch of research Ph.D.s they don’t know what they’re talking about? What a bear. Getting the best of millions of number-nerds and billions of random people can’t be easy – don’t even start me on the weather.

But don’t you count out the likes of Assrocket and the bunch over at Powerline (hunghh!). They are really doing their best. They’ve just now stumbled across – maybe – what could be the toppermost topper for all those dumb dorks who think ‘Global Warming’ is an actual thing.

steven global warming solved

Steven Hayward is the genius who came up with the capper. It’s his job to claim that the Earth is exactly the same as it ever was, and he does that one thing well. You can see him closing an eye, lifting his fingers to his face and making the pincer thing because he’s crushing your head.

When I make charts and graphs, I generally make it a practice to scale the vertical axis of a chart from zero (0) to the upper bound of the range. Compressing a chart’s vertical axis can be grossly misleading.For example, the usual chart the climatistas display of ambient atmospheric carbon dioxide levels looks like this:

rising co2

Oooh—that looks scary! Look how fast CO2 is rising!

Hilarious! How stupid is science! Yes, okay, it’s true that global atmospheric CO2 is rising and Steve can’t and won’t argue otherwise, but NAAH NAAH I’M NOT LISTENING. And if you’re like him you’re really sick and tired of seeing the same stupid data displayed the same way (lies). So here’s his new move: Steve-O is making his own graphs. That’s right, he’s a one-man indie craft-science operation. So go take yourself a seat, smoke yourself a bowl, and before you know it you’ll have your very own burlwood actuary table.

Here’s the chart I typically use when displaying the same data, but with the vertical axis starting at zero, and indications of the bounds of pre-industrial CO2 and where the level of a doubling will be:

stevens new CO2-chart

See now? Nothing is happening on Earth. The dweebs have been lying to you all this time! And all it took to expose their elaborate conspiracy was something something chartool.com and the number zero! Unfortunately, two stupid bloggers can play that game. Stephen’s victory came by way of extending only ONE of the graph’s two axes down to zero. If you’re silly enough to extend BOTH of the graph’s axes down to zero, as I did here…

CO2 AD zero-zero

…then oh heck. The ‘Global Warming’ hoax comes right back. Like the rabbit that crawls into your tophat then pops out of your tuxedo pocket. Ta-da! Really a decent trick, applause for Steve, but those jillions of tons of atmospheric carbon dioxide didn’t just vanish. Does he even remotely understand this? No! He’s a moron.

Likewise, the typical chart of the global average temperature is usually displayed this way:

[liberalism]

Whoa! We’re all gonna fry!

But what if you display the same data with the axis starting not just from zero, but from the lower bound of the actual experienced temperature range of the earth? I had never thought of this until an acquaintance sent it along today:

stevens new temperature chart

Ha! This is the most boring temperature-place in all the universe. Nothing ever happens on Earth. And all Stevinator had to do to prove it was make a decent graph, where 0 degrees Fahrenheit was included. Zero is the only stupid number that can make anything real (…also see -18 degrees Celsius. And 255 degrees Kelvin. No reason, just because.). From now on any time we make a temperature-type graph, it better be anchored at Zero Fahrenheit. Right? Where the Earth is a frosty ball of ice, the sea life are all Gorton’s fishsticks and everything above ground is dead.

Great idea! Not at all the dumbest argument ever. I don’t see why this can’t be extended to all things, for all times. And to demonstrate the wisdom of Steve’s method, and of Steve generally, I thought I’d make a temperature graph of his internet baby. Congratulations, the one his wife (…husband?) had just last week.

As you well know, new fathers can be a bit mystified as to How Babies Work. So it makes sense that he would be interested in getting to know all the facts about his newborn – not the liberal lies that the climate dorks, and the TV networks, and the pediatricians tell about toddlers but the REAL TRUTH: How hot is my baby, relative to zero? Because that’s a good question. Let’s take a look.

Here’s how his little kid (with a virus, sniff) did between the hours of breakfast and dinner, today. Relative to zero.

stephen's hot baby in one graph

How…confusing. The graph shows that Steve’s baby has experienced only a bit of warming over the hours – which is good, right? I mean, nobody wants a chilly baby, or a year-round Arctic ice cap for that matter. Babies are meant to be pink and warm and capable of growing orchids in the winter, of course. But for some oddball reason Steven’s baby has now become quiet and stiff. What has gone wrong with li’l Steve? Hey you baby! Don’t you play liberal games with Daddy! You stop that! Wake up! And don’t pretend you can’t hear me, you get up right now!

Ooooh dear. I’m afraid that’s it. Poor Steven has been cursed with the worst of life’s gripping tragedies – a lazy baby. How sad. And to make it all worse, Steve has been cursed with deliberately mis-understanding unassailable ‘facts’, and the world’s ‘reality’. As if he were trying to pretend he was somehow ‘intelligent’. It’s all very tragic.

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2 thoughts Try looking at it from up here

  1. avatar Rev. Howard Furst says:

    It was Andrew Sullivan who allegedly adapted an age-old-adage, describing the imitable Newt Gingrich as “a dumb person’s idea of a smart person”, a bon mot that seems to apply to a large swath of scholarly wingnuts including Mr. Hayward. Unlike the proprietor of “like sick horses”, who, in my arrogant opinion, is a smart person’s idea of a smart person. Outstanding evisceration!

  2. avatar toma says:

    You got me to wondering about that, Reverend. Though Sully did say it (good memory), apparently there’s some controversy as to who coined the original. Maybe…

    Elizabeth Bowen writing about Aldous Huxley in the Spectator, December 11, 1936:

    “Mr. Huxley has been the alarming young man for a long time, a sort of perpetual clever nephew who can be relied on to flutter the lunch-party … He is at once the truly clever person and the stupid person’s idea of the clever person.”

    …or so it says here.

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