Iran calls us crybabies, conservatives weep with rage

Must be hard. Going through life with the brain of a seven-year old.

On Friday a senior member of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard took the opportunity to tweak a certain country you may have heard of.

Hossein Salami, deputy commander of the IRGC, which is responsible for boarding the U.S. ships and arresting the sailors, claimed in recent remarks, the “American sailors started crying after arrest, but the kindness of our Guard made them feel calm.”

The remarks were made during a “martyrs commemoration ceremony.” Big surprise.

“American forces receive the best training and have the most advanced weapons in the world,” he added. “But they did not have the power to confront the Guard due to weakness of faith and belief.”

As you know, Iran’s military commanders are the most honest and reliable people in the world. So conservatives everywhere are now crawling around on their knees groping for all the heads that just rocketed off their necks.

pundit mocking

Oh, Jim? How do they ‘mock’ us? Because if the sailors were really crying, the bastards would only be telling the truth. And if they’re only lying [it’s possible!] then there’s really nothing to be angry about. Except, you know, Iran. Right? Amazing how much credence you put in a ‘satanic’ bunch.

Someone at ‘The Last Tradition’:

On the same day sanctions are being lifted, Iranian prisoners are being released from American prisoners in exchange for American hostages held by Iran for years, this rogue nation is having a propaganda field day belittling our sailors and our country.
I though Jimmy Carter was bad. But, Barack Obama makes Jimmy Carter look like Mike Tyson.

I did not know that the President demanded to have an international taunting. What a strange way to conduct a foreign policy. ‘I’ll let you have your prisoners back, but first you have to call me a big fag.’ The wingnuts don’t even realize these hissy-fits are exactly what the Iranians want. They say childish shit and what do our pre-pubescents do? Believe it with all their heart. Way to hold your mud there, Blaze.

From BizPac Review, this one’s the best:

BizPac weakobama

I’m picturing a couple of bearded media guys spitballing in the Ministry of Propaganda…

–“Perhaps we should say that the sailors were ‘decent and honorable’. Eh? What you think, Akbar?”
–“I tell you. I think this Obama is too weak to use nuclear weapons!”
–“A Ha Ha!”
–“Ha Ha!”
[shooting of AK-47s into mud-thatch ceiling]
–“Yes – it’s true. So instead we will say that the Americans…cried. Like leetle baaabies.”
[…feeds nearest camel some candy…]

Really. But then someone at BizPac pointed out who was more likely to blame for this global threat to their manhood…

BizPac disgusting

…and the headline has been sane-itized.

Now let us give credit where credit is due. Right Wing News actually managed to react like a, well, red-blooded American. No – really, I shit you not:

HELLS NO: Iran Mocks American Sailors… Claims They Started Crying After Capture

This is guaranteed to make your blood boil. The Iranians are now claiming that our sailors cried when they were captured, but the kindness of the IRGC made them feel calm. What utter bull crap.

See? NO fuck you.

“Be certain that with the blood of martyrs, the revolution advances. No one can inflict the smallest insult upon our Islamic country.” I don’t know about you, but I consider this a stone cold act of war and a violation of the Geneva Convention. It makes me angry beyond words. There will be a day for reckoning on this, mark my words.

There. One day, we’ll kill every one of you. Was that so hard?