Why I’ll never be a Podhoretz American

John Podhoretz has a NY Post piece on yesterday’s Democratic debate called “Apparently We Should Get On a Boat and Leave America ASAP”. But everybody just hold on there, wait a minute. You can put all your oars away because ole’ John is only kidding you. He’s using a famous rhetorical device called ‘hyperbole’. When a writer employs this tactic, he takes stock of the incisive analysis and critical tone of somebody else’s argument, and then he ham-bones his wang to the theme from The Scooby-Doo Dynomutt Hour.

Do you remember Snake Plissken? He was the eyepatch-wearing hero of “Escape from New York,” the 1981 science-fiction picture in which Manhattan has become a prison and Snake Plissken is the only guy who can find the way out…

The two candidates for the Democratic nomination spent most of two hours arguing over who was the better diagnostician of the moral diseases, ideological calamities, spiritual infirmities, racial injustices and downright evils that are being visited upon the…hell they call America.

Moral diseases and ideological calamities? Racial injustices and downright evils? In America?! HA HA HO HO [cf: Headless Body In Topless Bar]. If even a measly one of these maladies existed in PodHo’s world I suppose the whiners could have some sort of argument. But since you can clearly hear his scathing tone there’s no point in wondering.

…what a world. “There is,” Sanders said, “massive despair all over this country.” Wages low. Millions in prison.

The highest rate of childhood poverty in the world. The old have inadequate health care, don’t have enough money for food, are chopping up their pills to make them last longer.

Hillary said immigrants are living in fear. There’s systemic racism. Police brutality.

And don’t forget the horrors of being white, with “an increase in alcoholism, addiction, earlier deaths. People with a high school education or less are not even living as long as their parents lived . . . Coal miners and their families who helped turn on the lights and power our factories for generations are now wondering, has our country forgotten us?”

More of John’s devastating rhetorical voodoo. Ye shall know them by their words YOU’RE KILLING ME. America in despair, wages low, millions in prison, I mean! The highest rate of childhood poverty in the world? (…in the first world, sheesh.) Old people sick, the poor going hungry, white people dying – and police brutality!

Well then fine but you asked for it. John will now sit himself directly behind this editorial and make the mealy-mouth noises while reciting every petulant observation as if they could remotely ever be true. [“..snivelgrumble…immigrantslivinginfear…yeah pfftboo-hoo..”] Don’t even try to say ‘I’m sorry’ because it won’t work. It’s too late for that.

She concluded the debate by saying Sanders’s focus on punishing Wall Street was limited.

That’s because “if we were to stop that tomorrow, we would still have the indifference, the negligence that we saw in Flint. We would still have racism holding people back. We would still have sexism preventing women from getting equal pay. We would still have LGBT people who get married on Saturday and get fired on Monday.”

JPod holds his nose in our presence. But we’re ten paragraphs in and all he’s done is either fairly sum up what the candidates said or quote them at length, accurately. He’s more formidable as an aggregator than he is your opponent. There must be a proper criticism in here somewhere… oooooh alarums!

I thought “The Walking Dead” was a frightening vision of America. That zombie show is a walk in the park compared to Thursday night’s debate.

Yes that is an appropriate response. But we were expecting to hear something from the Shining City spinsters rather than the buck-up boyos. Hey-ooooo….

The loathsome and reprehensible caricature of America foisted upon its citizenry by Sanders and Clinton — a country with undeniably serious problems and challenges that is still the last great hope of Earth and a place Americans should and mostly do still feel grateful to have as their unique birthright — is another sign that we have a great many lessons we’re going to have to learn all over again.

That’s better – but lessons, wut? I suppose he might mean ‘Shut Up You.’ And what exactly could the Last Great Hope Of Earth mean to someone born and raised on the Upper West Side? To a teenager who fulfilled his lifelong dream of becoming a five-time Jeopardy champion, then unleashed his razor-sharp mind on all the hippies? Like this?

In the 1980s, Democrats found themselves forced to battle the impression that they were anti-American. So desperate were they to dispel this idea that at their convention in 1984, Democrats waved a thousand flags and chanted “USA” and sang the national anthem until their voices went hoarse.

You’ll never see that at a Republican convention oh no. It’s either Christian refugees being fed into a Soviet wood chipper or Pat Robertson challenging Billy Graham to suck a dick. Which is why I’ll never be a Real American.