John McCain’s theory of ISIS

The old man in Washington with a hard-on for Mideast war (well, one of them) has a theory about why so many nightclubbers were just shot and killed in Orlando. Get a load of this crap.

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), the elder Republican statesman, said President Obama was “directly responsible” for the terror attack in Orlando due to his failure to combat the rise of the Islamic State terror group.

…and you thought shooter Omar Mateen was just some closeted loser. A local nutjob. You thought he was frustrated by his inability to do his job properly, or to do his life properly. Or to do his ‘boyfriend’ properly. Please you homegrown hayseeds, Omar was a fully-fledged ISIS.

McCain answered the question about the gun debate by citing Obama’s culpability for the attack through his foreign policy: “Barack Obama is directly responsible for it, because when he pulled everybody out of Iraq, al-Qaeda went to Syria, became ISIS, and ISIS is what it is today thanks to Barack Obama’s failures,” McCain said.

So it was when President Obama pulled American forces out of Iraq, per President Bush’s Status of Forces Agreement (a piece of paper occasionally referred to in international courts as The Law), that Al Qaeda fled to Syria.(?) If only spineless Obama had left 100,000 soldiers behind he could have prevented that! The jihadis could have stayed around to kill us. Anyway, it was about that same time Omar Mateen started thinking about men – happy men, dancing men, running n’ shooting men – and he began masturbating, probably out of foreign policy frustration (which makes some sense, as in A Thing John McCain Might Know Something About).

As the months wore on, and because the President wouldn’t send the Army right back, Omar’s private habits only got worse – carrying on, shall we say, furiously? Which of course caught the attention of ISIS. They whisked him away for a weekend of intensive terrorist training, and hunk-porn viewing, accompanied by savage beatings and the occasional thumbsucking. (If you thought these terrorists weren’t master psychologists…think again.)

Eventually Omar was returned to America. Where he was to wait for their signal: GO hang out in gay clubs across Orlando, and TEASE subscribers to the Jack’d app with promises of hooking up, then SHOOT the Godless infidels. Obviously John McCain is right, the unspeakable horror in Orlando has got the fingerprints of ISIS all over it. Oh I’m sorry, I meant to say ‘of Barack Obama.’

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