Here’s your Saturday Evening Donald Trump is getting screwed because The Messicans HOT TAKE

Bless ole’ Ann Coulter. If she did not exist we would have to invent, then bust out laughing at, her.

Ssssizzling. Much-The-Same Ann ‘pro-Pussy Grabber’ Coulter: “This is an attempt to let millions of Messicans squat in my chifferobe because John McCuck won’t vote #NouveauKlan.”

Loosers! This has been…Saturday Evening with a HOT TAKE.


Twinks For Trump, from the Fabulist School

Here’s a thing I came across on Memeorandum.


Ugh, It’s Jim Hoft. But I do like the idea of the art world having never seen a Frederic Remington.

At least 6 Conservative artists were preparing for Saturday’s historic opening. But Brooklyn gallery cancels after online threats and harassment by gay fascist mob.

Artist Lucian Wintrich says the artists are now scrambling to find another gallery for Saturday’s show.

Don’t feel too bad for Lucian. He’s a preppy East Coast ultra-WASP brimming with self confidence, as to be creepy (…cross a gay Ben Shapiro with Harry Potter – then see this. [warning: everything]). But instead of selling you worthless bonds, or country club memberships, as his people have done for generations, Lucian would rather sell you his photographs.

Because he’s apparently the first conservative artist in the world, or something. And his latest, ergo inital, collection for you to ooh and aah over he’s calling “Twinks For Trump.” If that’s a bit much for you to try and picture in your head, imagine this: Photographs of some barely clad hairless young men. Alright fine, but then what about the ‘Trump’ part? Are these men perhaps hanging on the elbows of portly billionaires exiting Park Avenue limousines? Not exactly. Instead, every Lucian hot twink is wearing a Make America Great Again hat too big for his head (…see here [warning: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯]).

Now before you say, “Give me a break. He just pulled those out of his spank pile.” Oh NO. This young artist is better than that – he is the real thing. Not because his photos are more than a curiosity on the aesthetic spectrum, but because – remember? – the Gotham queers. Lucian is a bona fide victim of today’s politics no systematic oppression oh yes that’s it Auschwitz. Tell us, oh young Wintrich Joselewicz:

First they removed my family from positions of power. My relatives in Poland included doctors, lawyers, and leaders of Polish society. Then they removed us from our homes and our contracts. Then they started killing us.

Lucian is related to Holocaust survivors. Which makes a Wintrich photograph, in terms of Conservative Art, a back-lit Kincade.

My grandfather would not believe what is happening in America today. It is fascism and it is all coming from the left. This is how people like Hitler took power. They believe it is alright to silence people. If they keep doing things like this we know what comes next.

Oh yes. We certainly do.

** Please let’s make sure this show happens – Please donate here…

Of course. And in case you’re not all that interested in softcore porn, rest assured there will be other Picas-so-sads at the big show as well.

Contributing Artists:

Milo Yiannopoulos, Gavin McInnes, and Martin Shkreli among participating artists in first ever pro-Trump gallery exhibition.

The opening for #DaddyWillSaveUs will be held at 191 North, 14th Street, Brooklyn, New York October 8th starting at 8pm ET.

See you Saturday night.


Clean-up on aisle Giuliani

It seems like only 3 weeks ago your blogging pal noticed that Hizzoner Noun Verb Nine-Eleven had gone completely nerfdoodle bonkers.

Now we only need to call him a padded wagon. Because somebody needs to get Rudy Giuliani a comfy ride to the sanitarium, he has completely lost it…

Well, readers. I regret to inform you that as of yet no one who cares about him – or who cares about listening to a septuagenarian troll skreeing about the Mexicans and Hitlery Clinton, who gesticulates like Kali swatting at horse flies while crazy-rudyhis terrifying eyes begin bugging out of his head like greasy Titleists – has seen fit to take pity on the sorry asshole and dollied him off to a sanitarium.

Which would be merciful, to say the least. And would, in addition, have the tangential benefit of preventing more ugly incidents…like this one:

“At CFA’s 40 Under 40 Awards last Thursday night, keynote speaker Rudolph Giuliani veered sharply off course from the leadership message he agreed to deliver and presented unscripted personal opinions which were independent of CFA’s political position or core values,” Bob Trojan, the group’s CEO, wrote in an email sent to attendees and forwarded to the Observer…

The note continued: “For those of you who were offended by Mr. Giuliani’s remarks, please accept my sincere apology.”

As you may have guessed, the middle baritone for the Old Grey Mare Singers went full-blown Clinton Apocalypse Hnngh! on the Commercial Finance Association and left the assembled onlookers…stunned.

…an attendee told the Observer the crowd was “shocked” by Giuliani’s comments and that some people began complaining about his speech almost immediately after it was over.

“Rudy talked about immigration and made a really, really inappropriate comment about the quote-unquote Mexicans in the kitchen at the Waldorf,” the attendee said. “It was bad. You could hear a pin drop. I think he was looking for applause.”

A second person in attendance also recalled a remark about Mexicans coming to the country to work illegally in kitchens.

The guest speaker was so offensive that the superboring CFA were reduced to rendering a version of the inclusivity kumbaya with their keyboards.

“CFA abhors discrimination of any kind whether it is focused on race, age or gender. We are a nonpartisan organization with relationships spanning both sides of the aisle, which is vital to ensure that our positions are understood no matter which party is in office. These beliefs and approaches will never change,” the email reads.

As for America’s Schizoid Disorder, some folks have begun to notice.

The apology for Giuliani’s speech was sent Monday, just a day before the Commercial Observer reported that Giuliani had been axed as the keynote speaker for a conference held by the International Council of Shopping Centers—following letters from real estate professionals who deemed him divisive for his outspoken support of Trump.

Also this week, you may have seen Rudy attacking Hillary Clinton with the Limp Bizkit-era insults “Monica” and “Lewinsky,” then concluding she’s “too stupid to be president.” You may have also seen Rudy advising Donald Trump to avoid debating her again, because illuminatus Bilderberg Lester Holt. Which, for whatever reason, is a sane idea.


Mike Pence, undercover *sshole

Lost in the wake of the steampunk shit spraying parade float that is Trump’s campaign for his next keepsake, the White House, is the candidate’s running mate, Mike Pence. Watching millions of Americans run headlong toward the ersatz wellspring, mouths grateful and wide, gobbling two-handed the Donald’s offerings, can be rather difficult, but it’s even harder to look away. Which is why it’s so easy to miss what a complete asshole Mike is.

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Mike Pence said there is too much talk of “institutional racism and institutional bias” in the wake of unrest following police shootings in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Charlotte, North Carolina.

“Police officers are human beings,” Pence said at a pastors’ roundtable at Radiant Church here. “And in difficult and life-threatening situations, mistakes are made…”

Golly folks stuff just happens. Really, can’t we all get along? Well, no, some of us can’t because we’ve been shot dead. Some of us were only standing there with our hands up in the air, jackass.

Pence said that police officers are “the best of us.”

“We ought to set aside this talk, this talk about institutional racism and institutional bias,” he said, calling such assertions “rhetoric of division.”

Oh no, not the rhetoric. Let’s all pretend, for the sake of argument (yep), that bullets could also be spoken words. Last week a group of Tulsa police officers, and Terence Crutcher, were having a conversation when one of them said something so awful it killed Terence. I’d love to ask Mike about that. Maybe the “rhetoric of division” cuts both ways.

For contrast, do you remember the epic tale of Kenneth Gladney? Kenneth was selling Gadsden Tea Party flags outside a 2009 townhall meeting when he was executed gangland style, or rather he scraped his knee, after a scuffle with union members broke out nearby.

…too weak to speak after his beating on Thursday, black conservative Kenneth Gladney attended the event. Kenneth was beaten, kicked and called racist names by Russ Carnahan’s SEIU supporters after a town hall meeting on Thursday.

Yes that’s what happened – and Republicans lost their minds. After making sure his boo-boo got bandaged, they even held a rally for Kenny Freedom, rolling him out in a wheelchair. I shit you not.


Here is your Relapsing Remitting Congenital Essential Hemeralopia Hemiplegia HILLARY HOT TAKE

First, about the author.

John studied evolutionary psychology at Harvard under Steven Pinker before moving to New York City and becoming a “professional caveman”: mimicking a hunter-gatherer diet, running barefoot through Central Park, experimenting with intermittent fasting, and doing polar bear swims in the Atlantic.

Now. The Conflagration:

Finally. The cup of water:

G’night, god bless. This has been…Sunday Evening With A Hot Take.


Rudy Giuliani has lost it

In the shaky aftermath of 9/11, a good part of America – or we, *shudder* – once called him America’s Mayor. Millions of us looked to him for re-assurance that the country was going to be OK. We were glad to have him help us through a horrible, terrible tragedy. Nowadays, unfortunately, we only need to call him a comfy padded wagon. We all need to chip in and get Rudy Giuliani a ride to the sanitarium because he has completely lost it.

MATTHEWS: Do you think there were any signs of illness last night by the former secretary of state? Signs of illness?

GIULIANI: No, but I thought there were the day before when she coughed for about, I don’t know, 15 minutes and then coughed on the airplane and then spit something up. I don’t know what’s wrong with her but they kind of hide her…

Hide her? Umm, where? YouTube, so Dr. Mayor can diagnose her from the den? This is the way he conducted himself on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews last night, lobbing one spit-flecked grenade after another while offering the ole’ hey I’m only saying – as if he weren’t completely apeshit. The typhoid troofers of course have seen Clinton kaffing on and off for as long as two minutes [TIMED IT], but in Rudy’s hardboiled detective role as Trumpule Poirot (née Google) Giuliani actually saw the death rattle go on for “I don’t know, 15 minutes.” Then the candidate went and “spit something up,” you know, as in The Ghost. How we’re supposed to watch a tooth-gnashing troll hnngh! about Hillary from some abandoned bridge and still end up voting against her, I don’t know.

As close as Donald and Rudy are – and they talk to each other every day, with Rudy I’m betting phoning in 99% of the time and not the other way around – I get the sense that these are Trump’s paranoid nauseations duly regurgitated. Donald regularly wakes up early in the morning, hunts down every web-post and tweet about himself, and loads the bile cannon in his brain, taking dead aim at his enemies. Rudy apparently never questions whatever the Donald rants at him over the phone, and there you have it. But there are a few corn kernels here to be poked at entirely borne of Rudy’s own guts, shot from deep within his own clodhopping schizoid glory, and they are precious. Completely insane.

GIULIANI: They gave away the defense of the Czech Republic and Poland to reset the relationship with Russia for nothing. The day they did that, Putin, who is a KGB killer, figured out I can push these guys around the world. They will not — he will not be able to push Donald Trump around the world. Believe me…

If you read history, right, if you read Gorbachev’s memoirs, Gorbachev memoirs said the key thing in winning the Cold War was our insistence on nuclear defense, because they knew they couldn’t match us. We have proven in Israel that nuclear defense works.

As to Poland and the Czech Republic…WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

But then this – THIS? “We have proven in Israel that nuclear defense works.” There is no nuclear defense. There is no Star Wars, or SDI, in existence anywhere on this planet. Nor has it ever been developed by us, nor is it being used by the Israelis. It was a Reagan-era fantasy, a laughable hoax only possible in 3-D cgi space movies, and it remains nothing more than that today.

What Israel has deployed is a radar missile system (Iron Dome). It takes out about 90% of the rockets launched at them locally. Qassam rockets have a range of about 10 miles and carry an explosive payload of up to 20 kilograms. Do I have to point out the functional differences between that and a nuclear weapon? Do I have to explain to you, or him, what an ICBM, or a warhead, is? For starters you can compare explosive payloads, noting whatever difference there is between 20 kilograms and 20 million tons.

GIULIANI: Here’s why nuclear defense makes sense. And I know something about this. A missile can take an airplane out of the air. A better missile can take a missile out of the air…

MATTHEWS: okay. We don’t have a strategic defense — we don’t have a strategic defense system.

GIULIANI: And here’s the worst thing …

MATTHEWS: We just don’t have one.

GIULIANI: I asked Secretary Gates, what did they get in return for giving up the nuclear shield of Poland and the Czech Republic? And you know what his answer was? Nada. They got nothing.

Giuliani’s defensive bubble would have to knock out multiple missiles simultaneously, without missing a single one. You see the problem that will daunt scientists for decades to come. The “shield” over Poland and the Czech Republic never existed and won’t exist anytime soon – not in our lifetime. But that fact won’t stop Rudy’s eyes from bulging out of his villainous baboon skull in apoplexy over some psychotic thing his synapses have misfired about Barack Obama, or Hillary Clinton. Beneficence begs us to place Rudy Giuliani in an institution, tomorrow. He is completely gone.





Allen West doesn’t like black people

Mysterious cabals. Secret handshakes. People talking in code. And the grand destruction of the lives of 40 million Americans over the last 50 years. Don’t forget this dastardly scheme, it seems, has been carried out by the victims of the plan, allen-westin view of the entire world, with the happy help of tens of millions more. What in the world is Allen West going on about?

He’s talking about an historic project undertaken by black folks and white liberals to waylay the African American community, going all the way back to when LBJ was Master of the Plantation. The hippies and the brothers have been getting together for five decades and inventing new ways to soul shake, high five, and destroy the lives of half the members inside the clubhouse.

Something is happening in this presidential election cycle that has some folks totally up in arms. A white GOP presidential candidate is addressing the issues in the black community.

Trump: “Poverty. Rejection. Horrible education. No housing, no homes, no ownership. Crime at levels that nobody has seen… And I ask you this…to the African Americans…: What the hell do you have to lose?”

Yes. But then West himself has a house, and a home, and ownership, and an education, and very little crime. If we were to ask Donald, would he qualify as a black person? Would Allen still count? Does he even exist? Notably, his un-blackness was delivered to him by way of his Army career, which the Trumpsters of the early 20th century fought dearly to deny him. Is there anything interesting in that? I don’t know, maybe you could ask Harry Truman.

…of course, Donald J. Trump has kicked the hornet’s nest and is consistently castigated with the ultimate denigrating moniker of “racist.” Trump is finding out that there is a super-secret club handshake in the black community. And the only white people who have been provided that code are white liberal progressive socialists.

This is Allen’s sole purpose as a politician, particularly as a Republican. There’s really not much else for him to do – he was kicked out of the Army for being crazy. He was voted out of an uber-Republican congressional district after getting beaten by a Democrat – in Florida. The locals thought he was whacko (“I just talked the truth. I think that a lot of people maybe are not comfortable hearing the truth.”).

So this is all he’s good for – being asked about black people so he can call them the worst things he can think of. All of these losers are Democrats because they just really dig slave life: “21st-century plantation”…”economic dependency plantation”…”people on that plantation”…”away from that plantation”…”overseers over that plantation”. But after his one term in Congress, where he fashioned himself “the modern-day Harriet Tubman”, West’s career has cratered and he needs to try something new. So he’s going undercover for Townhall, as a normal black man.

…I know the super-secret handshake, the code. I just refuse to be a dependent subject, and that is threatening.

So, this:

…we have someone challenging the failed progressive policies of the inner city and his sincerity is questioned? Why has no one EVER questioned the sincerity of the Democrats who have run the inner cities of America for decades? Easy answer, they have the secret sauce and Hillary Clinton even admitted she carries it in her purse.

West has repeatedly called African-Americans plantation slaves because they voted for Barack Obama, and this is…fine? Typical talk? He pooh-poohs the race sincerity of Hillary Clinton because she carries hot sauce around in her purse, and…? Because he knows…what? I don’t know. Honestly, it looks to me as if Allen has an unhealthy proprietary interest in a certain group of people. Frankly West couldn’t appear to be more jealous if he’d owned the term “cynical racism” himself. The fact that he’s so out of step with his co-hort isn’t a surprise – and I doubt it makes him feel any better about himself.

When the left, (or the appointed black gatekeepers) are challenged on their policy shortcomings in the black community, the retort is racism…

Right. Instead of addressing any of the problems within his own community, West only repeatedly resorted to epithets. He was rejected because of it, his career ended. Now here’s Donald Trump calling the exact same people uneducated losers, and Allen couldn’t be more puzzled. Heck I don’t understand, why don’t they love him?

Trump’s popularity with African-American voters polling at zero

The liberal-leaning firm asked African-American voters a set of questions, including whether they preferred Trump to things such as bedbugs, junk mail, carnies, bubonic plague and middle airplane seats.

It has to be a conspiracy.


The ways in which Trump is actually winning

Don’t look now, but Donald Trump is winning. And he’s winning big. Seriously. Really, this is the truth.

“The polling numbers for Donald Trump are looking pretty bad now, aren’t they at the moment?” reporter Matt Frei asked.

“Not all of them, no. Just the cherry-picked polling numbers that are put out by media outlets that are also bent on his destruction,” Conway responded…

If it looks bad, that’s because there’s a conspiracy among the media to make the election appear that way. In reality Trump is solidly out in front of Hillary Clinton.

Conway explained American voters are under social pressure to appear as though they dislike Trump, but that anonymous online polling affords voters the ability to make choices they might otherwise be ridiculed for publicly embracing.

“It’s because it’s become socially desirable, especially if you’re a college educated person in the United States of America, to say that you’re against Donald Trump,” Conway described.

Once you allow educated people to poll anonymously then Donald *ding ding* wins. How about that? Now the only thing his campaign needs is millions of black glasses and rain coats for the college types. The perv vote is solidly in Donald’s camp.

Doocy asked Zip’s creator Alanna Markey, “OK, so your results are a lot different than the — what we see of the RealClearPolitics average…Alanna, explain why the answer — your results are so much different than the polls we’ve been seeing.”

Why does Zip show Donald Trump winning? Good question.

Markey explained that Zip is not a polling device, but “an anonymous conversation that’s happening nationwide. And we have users that are over 13 across the U.S., exclusively in the U.S. So because it’s conversational we feel like that’s why our results are really so accurate and representative of how people are talking.”

Trump is winning because teenagers love the internet. They also love voting in presidential elections, let’s not forget that. That’s the thing that really matters.

An executive recruiter by trade, it’s his hobby of internet trolling that has turned him into an unlikely conservative star.

In the last year, Mitchell has amassed a following of tens of thousands of Twitter followers, nearly 70,000 and counting, who come for his insistence that, despite what nearly every poll says, Donald Trump will be elected president of the United States.

Bill Mitchell has it all figured out.

…mainstream polling is skewed to disenfranchise the “silent majority” of Americans who favor the Republican nominee’s ideas.

…Mitchell says you don’t have to look further than the size of the crowds each candidate commands. While Trump fills stadiums designed for monster truck rallies and rock concerts, Clinton tends to address audiences of a more modest size. A beltway pundit might call that an enthusiasm gap or simply a matter of staging, but Mitchell calls it a conspiracy.

Mitchell has become a popular man in right-wing circles. He’s cashed in on Twitter and elsewhere by thrilling his Trumpster throng with Zen koans like this:

“Imagine polls don’t exist,” Mitchell tweeted on Aug. 7, “Show me evidence Hillary is winning?”

Well, you can’t argue with that. Literally – you can’t argue with it. If I can’t ask who all you people will vote for, the truth can’t be known. The denial is strong in this one, don’t count him out. Also, it is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary etc. etc.

For our fellow narcissists, there’s this:

Despite surveys that show Trump faltering, many of the Republican candidate’s supporters at a rally Thursday told BuzzFeed News why they think he is actually leading the presidential race.

“I don’t believe in the polls,” said Phillip Morgon, who attended the rally with two friends from Concord, North Carolina. “They ain’t called us.”

It’s the ultimate response. The uber-parry for reality’s thrust. The perfect Trump card. How can the pollsters be right when they never asked me?

Proof of Trump’s dominance can be demonstrated by the size of his rallies, compared with Clinton’s smaller events, which are held in gymnasiums, he said. Gesturing around the room before the rally began, he added, “I’ll bet most of the people here never got called for a poll.”

Nevermind that a good number of Trump supporters have been called, and polled, and said they supported Donald. Until every last one of the faithful is contacted by Gallup, or Zogby or PPP, how could the truth really be known? How could any predictions possibly be accurate?

Douglas Breeding had the same thought.

“Nobody has asked me,” said Breeding. “I don’t see people on social media saying that they support Hillary Clinton. I think mainstream media manipulates polls to benefit her so that people think there is no reason to vote. I believe Trump is up, and he will win in November by a big margin.”

There’s a certain familiar quality to all this. For the man who believes he’s the center of the universe, his supporters won’t give up until every last one of them is consulted. Hang in there, kid.


BREAKING: Scientists find that mud is yuck, squishy

Is Donald Trump a racist? Is it proper for us to say that he is? The candidate hasn’t actually said the word “nigger” yet, as far as I know. So are we being fair to him? Hmm.

Don Advo: Interesting thing in the Donald Trump campaign. He’s hired a guy named Bannon, or Brannon, who is the leader of the Breitbart website. And this has really had the yids flipping their lids in a manner of speaking. Ben Shapiro, one of the neocons, says “Breitbart and the alt right just took over the GOP, and if the Republicans aren’t careful they’ll soon see true conservatism banished from their party.”

Don is co-host of the David Duke radio show.

Don: So, something extonishing has happened. We appear to have taken over the Republican Party.

David: Well, rank and file, but a lot of those boll weevils are still in those cotton balls, and, uh, the Republican Party may be a European-American populated party, but like a ball of cotton, you can have boll weevils in there that are going to rot it out from the inside.

I don’t find it all that extonishing that racist people have ‘taken over’ the GOP [dear me]. Just about anywhere you go in Republican America you can spot one of these:

john wayne statue iowa

A statue of a Hollywood actor. This one is in Iowa.

John Wayne cowboy

This one is in Oklahoma, in a cowboy museum.

john wayne airport staue

This one is in Orange County, California. The wingnuts named their airport after him.

A “man of humility, of honesty, and a hero of the American West (who) was a symbol to the world of the traditional American values.”

(Resolution of the Orange County Board of Supervisors, June 20, 1979)

Care to listen to a little of thespian-man’s famous honesty?

“We can’t all of a sudden get down on our knees and turn everything over to the leadership of the blacks,” Wayne said. “I believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility. I don’t believe in giving authority and positions of leadership and judgment to irresponsible people.”

He was no fan of the Indians either. Apparently they were selfish children who needed to have their continent-toys taken away from them.

John Wayne’s swaggering racism was never a secret. But he is still considered by many, even today, as perhaps The Greatest American Ever (…a movie actor. What a country.). My point is that we have always been a petulantly racist nation. No one is about to tear down any of The Duke’s likenesses. So please stop pretending that calling somebody on their bigotry is somehow a shocking act. The charge is frequently true, that’s the story. Here’s Maine’s current governor:

“A bad guy is a bad guy. I don’t care what color he is. When you go to war, if you know the enemy, the enemy dresses in red and you dress in blue, you shoot at red,” he said. “You shoot the enemy. You try to identify the enemy. And the enemy right now, the overwhelming majority of people coming in are people of color or people of Hispanic origin.”

Here’s his endorsement:

“Make sure he knows before he leaves here that we have picked a winner,” LePage said of Trump when he joined him at a campaign event in Maine last month.

It is common for Americans to believe that white people amount to a superior race without them bothering to don sumptuous robes in public or burn a cross on anyone’s lawn. I think we can agree on that. Of course Donald Trump is a racist.


Remember people. Sasquatch Israel.

Here we go again.

Now this – Analysis from social media provides additional support that Trump is likely to win in a landslide.

So how bad is it? Evidence from ‘The Truth Division’ shows that if you look at social media, Trump is killing Hillary!

Facebook. Trump: 10,174,358 Likes Clinton: 5,385,959 Likes. Trump has nearly double the amount of ‘Likes’ that Clinton has!

When comparing recent ‘live streams’ on Facebook: Trump Live Stream Post — 135,000 likes, 18,167 shares, 1.5 million view. Clinton Live Stream Post —11,000 likes, 0 shares, 321,000 views

Trump is crushing Clinton.

The brain rot begins to set in, once again. Haven’t the Republicans done everything just so? Haven’t they done all of the white things? Of course they have. So how in the world could they be losing? Unpossible! I mean, isn’t everyone talking about Donald Trump? Isn’t he on The Roger Ailes Channel every night? Doesn’t he have a million followers on the Twitter? What else do you need to know?

Keilar began, “Let me ask you about this. You say it’s not a shakeup, but you guys are down, and it makes sense that there would–”

Cohen interrupted, repeating, “Says who?”

Not skipping a beat, Keilar confirmed, “Polls. Most of them. All of them?”

“Says who?”

“Polls. I just told you, I answered your question.”

“OK, which polls?”

“All of them.”

…Keilar was exactly right and Cohen made an ass of himself… It’s unclear what information Cohen is seeing, but Trump hasn’t led in a single poll since July 23…

Okay about that, the polls. You know what that means? Nothing. That’s right, you heard me. You want to have a referendum, then go and do yourselves a little polling, whatever. But this is totally different. This is about being elected President of the United States. You can’t do that without… winning. Hokay?

Interrupting a discussion about the hiring of Breitbart overlord Steve Bannon to run the Trump campaign, Bolling complained, “These polls, Dana, honestly, we have to stop with these polls.” Bolling continued, “They’re insane with these polls. Just look at what’s going on. You look at a Trump rally, and there’s 12, 15, 10,000 people.” In addition to demanding that “we have to stop with these polls,” Bolling compared his inflated estimates of Trump’s crowd sizes to Hillary’s lesser-than crowd sizes, insisting that rally attendance is an accurate predictor of election outcomes. It’s not.

I can’t stop laughing. They spend their entire lives trying to get away from stoopid liberuls so they don’t have to hear us spew our filthy opinions and noxious facts. They live entirely within the Fox News bubble fortress, appointed with Sean Hannity’s rage and Bill O’Reilly’s surrealist U.S. History anecdotes.

What happens when sobriety intrudes? What happens when the real world comes banging at the door? They go further into the darkness. They run straight for the basement. And in there they find their carpet monkey mommy, and they cling to it as if grim death were creeping right up their spines. It’s genius.


Jill Stein: Can you blame my jerks?

Many grateful thanks are forthwith to be offered the soothsayer and Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein.

What we know from history, and what we know from the current situation, we are seeing a rise in right-wing extremism, not just in the United States, and it’s not just Donald Trump, it’s also throughout countries in Europe.

Jew-hating Euros have gone berserk overseas, it’s true. Islam obsessives are running the tables on both sides of the pond. It’s harrowing, and depressing. Does smartypants Dr. Jill have anything to say about it?

What is driving this? It is policies like NAFTA, like globalization, like the dominance of the banks, like the Wall Street bailouts, like the Wall Street meltdown thanks to deregulation.

It was the repeal of Glass-Steagall in 1999 that turned everybody into young white males. Jill’s not just excusing her own constituency, mind you, she’s got her finger on the world’s pulse. When Congress lowered the barriers between commercial and investment banking, half-educated Southerners had no choice but to rally around the likes of Donald Trump, or Bobby Jindal, or David Duke, or some ham-handed Green candidate who would say anything to make them look thoughtful rather than your garden variety racists. The poor little crackers are victims, you see. Goldman Sachs took their IRAs and invested it in Global Crossing – what did you expect them to do?


The Magic of Trump, or the Menace, by which I mean YOU

Trump’s convention speech was remarkable in a number of ways. Mostly it was notable for its seething paranoia, but then that was to be expected. It was the campaign’s strategy to go Judge Dredd. If a few Muslims want to wipe us off the planet then it’s high time for a megalomaniac with a horse whip to step forward and save America. Baa baa, here comes the Law and Order Candidate.

That was only the new stuff, there was plenty of old Trump left to moulder on the stage. There was Crooked Hillary once again. And there was Hey are these police officers great or what? And as always there was I am very smart. Very, smart.

Nothing however was more tired than Trump again affirming he will starch and iron every American wrinkle without mentioning how he will do it. One more time, he was all-encompassing and amounted to nothing. Right down to the barrel bottom. Totally and completely bankrupt.

But let’s be fair to him, this is the con. This is his great achievement. He’s just so awesome that he’s not going to bother with little details the way other losers do. Everybody else is dumb, and incompetent, both left and right, and do you really want any more of that? Of course not. So listen to The Donald: He can solve it all, everything. He can crack a safe, no problem. He can do a back flip – what are you kidding? He can end terrorism in America, all of it and soon. C’mon, now isn’t that better? Wouldn’t you rather have somebody tell you what all the problems are AND promise to fix them? Buh-bye everyone, thanks, love you all.

And therein lies Donald’s triumph: selling dickhead as if it were a strength. He’s so self-wanking that he must somehow be kinda good, know what I mean? Get it? And if you must know – funny you asked this – yes I do all of the great things, it’s true. Really, just go ask anybody. I’m going to be the best president, I mean believe me, you won’t believe it.

White America is really lapping this up. Trump is absolutely killing them. The rubes have seen too many Stallone films, where the five-foot-eight inch hero throws a hook short of Apollo’s face and the brute still goes down. Apparently they still want to believe that shit, Sly’s white-guy Kabuki even now leaving its mark. But Donald’s campaign has pulled back the bandages on an even bigger wound of theirs: America is fuck-all stupid.

For any politician to promise that he will govern by the magical Third Way? As regards to everything? It is painfully comical, as to be devastating. Still the faithful don’t see any reason to doubt Donald Trump will eclipse all who have come before him, over these 228 years. He’s the one who will – finally – solve all America’s problems, sure. But what do you mean, HOW? And what do you mean, WHY? YOU’RE the people who have been in charge all this time. We’re not the ones who are stupid, YOU’RE the real stupids, stupid. Donald’s voters are having a moment.

Trump’s insurgent campaign rests on this, the accusation that all of the elites – the senators, and the congress, and their staffs, and all of the U.S. Presidents, Republicans and Democrats, all of them, ever – have been dumb. The evident solutions to chronic problems like crime, and unemployment, and terrorism, and a struggling economy, have always been within their reach. They were just too stupid to do any better. Nothing is ever really impossible, yet nothing has ever really been done! Sad! But it’s true, or so Trump says. Now here he is, with The Way. Here comes a man with a method salutary and sanctified.

But does anybody know what it is? Don’t ask. Don’t make that mistake. Don’t bother. Donald has no idea. The Third Way is pretty much Joseph Smith’s golden plates, something only seen by him. If it even exists it’s probably too ponderous for anybody else.

This much is clear: it does not exist outside a certain group of people. Nor has it ever revealed itself beyond a certain man’s associates, strangely. The Third Way only manifests itself after some bunch of anonymous people are hired by Donald Trump. And when they sit before him, and they are asked about things by him, and they offer their current thoughts to him, that’s when the oracle speaks. That’s when the miracle occurs. Somewhere between Him and His People is the place where The Answers take form. Hallelujah.

This is the pith of Trump’s con. It’s his entire campaign: First there is Me. Then there are My People. And…poof.

This means that, for Trump to be anything less than a joke, or, shortly, a national catastrophe, there would necessarily have to be a substantial number of remarkable people living their lives in America outside power or authority – because nobody has bothered to listen to them yet, right? – that he’ll have to recruit to conjure his Third Way. But who would this be? And who outside power or authority has ever been visible to him? He’s never cared, and why should he? Mother Mary herself could descend upon Donald in a kaleidoscope of flame and he wouldn’t piss on her. Until the Blessed Virgin reaches out and smites him with an Adare Manor gargoyle he won’t bother.

Candidate Trump is nothing more than a man sitting before a crystal ball promising to summon formidable forces from the deep – only, mind you, if you’re willing to give him what he wants. Other candidates might make a big deal about demonstrating their worthiness, but he’s not so stupid, he isn’t about to do anything so fantastic or eye-popping right now. What, are you kidding me? He’ll start the gypsy hand-waving and incantations after you make him president, of course. That you can bet on. C’mon, would he lie to you?

Yeah don’t kid yourself. It’s not like the country never noticed this guy before. Donald has forever been a tabloid twit, a late show punchline. He’s a nasty and noxious personality who believes women are his keepsakes and dollars his dick. He’ll never be anything more than a figment of his own imagination…until you decide to go and vote for him. Then President Obama will have to open the White House door, hand him the keys and the missile launch codes, and he’ll become a real nightmare.

Previous - Next