Arizona aims real high, for the Asshole Cup. Yes, baking albino racists to wrinkled cardboard earns cancer’s golf-like applause, but the ‘Home of Metastasis’ figures it could do better.

There’s a plan for that. The recent border-to-border fits of intellect and civility indicate Arizona pols gravitate to gender politics. The slobbering, salmon-skinned galumphs will now try to undercut anything a woman takes for granted, like contraception. Internet access. Highway privileges. Plumbed water.

Arizona lawmaker wants to go further on abortion laws
by Alia Beard Rau | azcentralblogs.com

. . An opponent of HB 2036 e-mailed her lawmakers to voice her opinion. The Tucson reader shared the response from Rep. Terri Proud, R-Tucson. The reader called the e-mail “most inappropriate for someone who makes policy decisions for women in this state.”

The e-mail, which has not been edited, said:

“Personally I’d like to make a law that mandates a woman watch an abortion being performed prior to having a “surgical procedure.” If it’s not a life it shouldn’t matter, if it doesn’t harm a woman then she shouldn’t care, and don’t we want more transparency and education in the medical profession anyway? We demand it everywhere else.”

Absolutely, all the way with transparency. It’s time to pull the surgical-industrial complex’s anesthesia scam out into the open. Where there are cases of bone cancer, or necrotizing fasciitis, when arms or legs have to be amputated, it’s time for a few aspirin and plenty of bright lights. What an opportunity for otherwise unfortunate children to witness democracy. While the circular-saw wielding surgeons dice your daughter’s hip girdle, sickly bones now sing like the chimes of freedom. Err, in the sun.

“Until the dead child can tell me that she/he does not feel any pain – I have no intentions of clearing the conscience of the living – I will be voting YES.”

That’s Terri Proud, a friend to children. She makes the effort to listen to dead ones.

In an e-mail to Insider, Proud defended her statement, saying women should be aware of any surgical procedure “especially when a foreign object is extracting from a delicate organ.”

Just how many spelunking suits did I pull from my Wurlitzer? It’s not clear. The women in my life know nothing more about this, and you can blame me.

Seems like recent times. Not so long ago. We thought Sandra Fluke being called ‘slut’ or ‘prostitute’ had something to do with conservatives’ views on contraception. Apparently, we didn’t understand what was really going on at the time:

Birth-Control Agitprop
By Jonah Goldberg | National Review

. . “Let’s admit what this debate is really and what Republicans really want to take away from American women. It is contraception,” Senator Charles Schumer (D., N.Y.) outrageously claimed while opposing the Blunt amendment. Senator Frank Lautenberg (D., N.J.) said the GOP was yearning to return to “the Dark Ages . . . when women were property that you could easily control, even trade if you wanted to.”

That’s what I thought. No?

The Obama campaign insists that “if Mitt Romney and a few Republican senators get their way, employers could be making women’s health care decisions for them” and require that women seek a permission slip to obtain birth control.

It’s all so breathtakingly mendacious.

Nope. We’ve been lying shamelessly, and Goldberg’s been gasping for air. Fortunately, we went on our merry way to build a Sanger monument, and Jonah opened a window.

He had tried to tell us the truth. That this was only about the evils of abortion, nothing more. So many tried to tell us. Over and over: Contraception is a personal thing, abortion is homicide. If you want to go on the Pill, we don’t care. That’s a personal, not a criminal, matter, and conservatives are loath to mess with those.

Really, if anything, our conniption over contraception was something of a conspiracy. By shifting from their cultural indictment to a popular perception, from the evils of abortion to the benign reality of contraception, we filled the atmosphere with smoke. All the ethicists and scholars have been bumping into each other ever since, trying to find where the infanticide went:

Liberals, media try to shift debate from abortion to contraception
by Jill Stanek | jillstanek.com

I wrote last week about a theory put forth by Washington Post’s Sarah Kliff that abortion proponents were shifting strategies to focus on contraceptives rather than abortion, the reason being their own polls show abortion is no longer a winning issue with young people and women, but contraception is.

. . so pro-life Jill details how Sean Hannity, Dick Morris and others got hip to the conspiracy. Look how Rush figured it out:

“Do you remember – ’cause this is a setup for what’s coming – do you remember, we were all perplexed here. George Stephanopoulos kept hounding Romney on contraception. It had not come up, nobody had said anything about it, and we were all confused, as was Romney, what the deal was…

That’s what Morris’ theory is about what happened last week, trying to get abortion off the table because it’s a loser for the Democrats. And now instead of Republicans want to ban abortion, they want to ban contraception…

So that’s the paradigm shift here, at least so goes the theory, and it does explain why Stephanopoulos was talking about something that was not even an issue.”

Contraception was never an issue. Gee, aren’t we sneaky?

By comparison, we’re amateurs. We make the occasional penny fall out of your ear, you guys palm manhole covers. Arizona State’s news reports on new Republican legislation:

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted 6-2 Monday to endorse a controversial bill that would allow Arizona employers the right to deny health insurance coverage for contraceptives based on religious objections.

Arizona House Bill 2625, authored by Majority Whip Debbie Lesko, R-Glendale, would permit employers to ask their employees for proof of medical prescription if they seek contraceptives for non-reproductive purposes, such as hormone control or acne treatment.

What does this legislation mean? It means Republicans are giving Arizona businessmen the ‘OK’ to prevent women from getting the Pill through their insurance. That’s what it means.

If you’re a Catholic man who owns a factory with 500 female employees, you can deny them contraception. While it’s not against your beliefs if a worker uses the Pill to treat polycystitis, it is against your beliefs if she uses it to prevent pregnancy. So you get to deny her that coverage. And just to be sure, if you figure out an employee is using the Pill, you can demand she produce a medical reason for the prescription.

One man’s religious conviction trumps perhaps thousands of employees’ needs. If you buy Arizona politicians’ arguments, “Freedom of Religion” is no longer about the choices you make for yourself. It’s about the choices you make for others.

But, wait, it gets potentially worse. While I can’t affirm Erin’s contention, it doesn’t seem impossible. It seems entirely plausible:

Law Will Allow Employers to Fire Women for Using Whore Pills
Erin Gloria Ryan | Jezebel

A proposed new law in Arizona would give employers the power to request that women being prescribed birth control pills provide proof that they’re using it for non-sexual reasons. And because Arizona’s an at-will employment state, that means that bosses critical of their female employees’ sex lives could fire them as a result.

So, to recap: Based upon his private religious beliefs, your employer could deny you and hundreds of others normal access to contraception. He could do this, even though it saves you, your insurance company and your employer money. He’d be allowed, even though everyone knows it produces healthier babies and more stable families. If you did qualify for the Pill by other means, he’d have the right to vet your medical condition. And if his intuition told him you were just another ‘Sandra Fluke,’ he could fire you. And this is only a fight over abortion.

What a lovely thing to wake up to. Arizona’s right-wing extremist nutbag, President of the Senate, architect of the heinous anti-immigration Senate Bill 1070, has been successfully recalled. Arizona’s recall process retains Russell in his seat until he wins or loses re-election or resigns within 5 days. Pearce has indicated he will run.

Maricopa County Elections Director Karen Osborne submitted a 1,200-page certification package to the Arizona Secretary of State’s Office on Friday morning determining that the recall effort has enough valid signatures from registered voters in Mesa’s District 18 to force a special election.

On Friday afternoon, the Secretary of State’s Office officially put the recall on the November ballot.

I’ve covered the ultra-right-winger before.

3 and a half months ago he stated he was not a citizen of the United States but a citizen of Arizona, the sovereign state. In 2006, he e-mailed supporters some literature from the National Alliance, a Nazi group.

He once endorsed for Mesa city council a buddy of his, J.T Ready. What a coupla pals:

J.T. on the weekends:

Pearce is seated in a comfortably Republican district, but his latest asshattery probably broke the proverbial elephant’s back. Pearce took numerous gifts over several years from the BCS’ Fiesta Bowl, the big-money college football game in Glendale, Arizona. Fiesta Bowl officials curried favor with local politicians through gift-giving and campaign contributions, violating both state and federal laws.

The documents show Pearce tops a list of 31 lawmakers who took cushy junkets in which they received free food, travel, hotel stays and football tickets.

Pearce took more than $39,000 in freebies from 2002 to 2009, according the records. His critics say they plan use that in an effort to remove him from office in what appears to be a likely recall election.

Let the best man win. Let the other die in a Mexican brothel.

This might be Joe Arpaio’s most professional law enforcement endeavor yet. How proud the good people of Phoenix must be of a Sheriff who’d call upon massive weapons of war and a constipated Hollywood action-marshmallow to attack chickens.

Yep, whenever you need to take out a bungalow crawling with unarmed fowl, a senior law enforcement official would be wise to call Steven Seagal. Put him in a tank. Ask him to raid and flatten your henhouse. I assume that’s after Ron Perlman refuses to launch a missile strike. When Brian Bosworth won’t provide any NATO air cover.

Forward the armored personnel carriers! Bring on the bomb-fiddling robot, dispatch the SWAT guys. Automatic weapons and flash-bang grenades at the ready, everybody, cuz’ here we go. Cue big, bad Joe Arpaio on a bullhorn:

“WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE.”

Steven Seagal, Sheriff Raid Valley Home In Tank
KPHO.com | Mar 21, 2011

PHOENIX — Sheriff Joe Arpaio rolled out the tanks to take down a man suspected of cockfighting.

West Valley residents in the neighborhood are crying foul after armored vehicles, including a tank, rolled into their neighborhood to make the bust.

“DON’T PLAY CUTE WITH US. WE CAN HEAR YOU.” (*bak!*)

Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.

“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.

“NOW WE CAN SEE YOU.” (*bak-gak!*) “COME OUT.”

In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting.

Llovera was alone in the house at the time of the arrest, and he was unarmed.

“THAT’S IT, WE’RE COMING IN.” (*brrrawk!*)

The Sheriff’s Department has entered into a contract with Seagal and part of that contract gives Seagal carte blanche to go along with the sheriff as he arrests people.

Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot.

“LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.” (silence)

Llovera was convicted of a misdemeanor last year of attending a cockfight and has no history of owning weapons.

[Seagal:] “Where are my manners? Hey, chickens . . tank you very much…”

[cue 'beat cops shoveling squished chickens' theme:]

. . so our heroes amble off, into a city no safer, trading manly whimsy . .

Talk about having your bad night, politically speaking.

Incumbent Arizona Governor Jan Brewer engaged Democratic candidate and Attorney General Terry Goddard in a debate Wednesday night. She began the evening by freezing like a deer in the television headlights when asked to recite a perfunctory, self-laudatory greeting. That alone is talk of the political world today: a gubernatorial candidate that couldn’t manage her own opening statement.

Perhaps she hadn’t done enough to embarrass herself.

During the debate, Goddard called on Brewer to recant a lie she had told, one meant to drive up the hysteria surrounding the evil immigrants and the destruction of her precious Arizona: they had been killing and beheading people out in the desert. Goddard correctly pointed out that it was absolutely false and that it made Arizona look like a haven for lurid violence. Brewer just ignored the call.

Until she got confronted by the press after the sorry event. Christina Boomer from ABC 15, among others, confronted her: Why haven’t you admitted the beheadings never happened? The press were in agreement — it’s not a trivial matter, do you really still believe the rumor to be true? Oops, now Brewer was stuck.

Or was she?

Naw, no problem.

Back in the old days, politicians were much more in agreement about things like this . . the public were always owed the truth. It was so universally embraced as a political tenet that even a single lie, especially left unaddressed, could easily and justifiably derail a candidacy. A politician’s scrupulous honesty might have been the one thing that both parties demanded from their people, with almost no exception.

Times have changed. Jan Brewer doesn’t owe you a thing.

Here comes the worst introduction to a debate by a major national politician I can remember.

Sure, all sorts of people, the mortals, will geek in the middle of a debate when they’re trying to recall certain facts, numbers and statistics. When an opponent attacks, sometimes you might frustratingly freeze while searching for the vital ammo you need to fight back. All the pressure, the lights, the cameras, the endless amounts of esoteric info — they take their toll.

But the intro?! Your own self-prepared statement?

She couldn’t manage “Hello, my name is Jan Brewer, and I fight for the people of Arizona”? Or “Arizona is a leader in business, technology and innovation”?

A professional politician can’t begin with anything better than this? . .

“I have, uh . . . . . . . . . . done so much, and I just cannot believe that we have changed everything since I be-ha-come your governor in the last 600 days. Arizona has been brought back from its abyss. We have cut the budget, we have balanced the budget, and we are moving forward. And we have done everything that we could possibly do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *laugh* . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . We have, uh . . . . did what was right for Arizona. I will tell you that I have really did the very best that anyone could do. We have pushed back hard against the federal government, we have filed suit against Obama healthcare, and, and, we have passed Senate Bill 1070, and we will continue to do what’s right for Arizona. I ask for your vote, thank you.”

“I have really did the best that anyone can do”? That’s the person that will end up as Governor of Arizona? C’mon, being Governor is a very big deal — governorships are where Presidents are born. Governor Ronald Reagan, Governor Jimmy Carter, Governor Bill Clinton, Governor George W. Bush.

It’s one thing to end up in the office by default, but to be voted in by the citizens? Jan Brewer? Wow.

Happy Friday. Yes, sshhh, I’m lazy. Let the silliness begin.

Okay. Number One: suave, thoroughly skull-ectable candidate:

Janny! You got my vote.

Number Two: Who’s sufficiently expert to volunteer testimony before the Senate Committee on Lipsticked Sloth Snacking?

Jan Brewer! Yay!

. . and whatever, who cares, it’s a peach Skele-Jan:

Marry me! Mexicans suck!

Wait — yes. Yes, there is!

Ariz. gov: Most illegal immigrants smuggling drugs
By PAUL DAVENPORT
Associated Press Writer – Fri Jun 25, 7:06 pm ET

. . “I believe today, under the circumstances that we’re facing, that the majority of the illegal trespassers that are coming into the state of Arizona are under the direction and control of organized drug cartels and they are bringing drugs in,” Brewer said.

“There’s strong information to us that they come as illegal people wanting to come to work. Then they are accosted and they become subjects of the drug cartel,” she said.

The majority of illegal immigrants are drug smugglers? Jeezus, what a moron.

. . without a snack . .

. . or with?

I ran out of skulls

I’m starting to wonder if the law will ever be implemented. Governor Jan Brewer and the anti-immigration mob are so smitten with their precious statute that God forbid the cat should sit on it.

Arizona’s Attorney general, Terry Goddard, is no fan of the law. But he is a professional and will defend it should he need to because, well, that’s his job:

Goddard Urges Federal Government Not to File Immigration Lawsuit, Vows Vigorous Defense if Suit is Brought

(Phoenix, Ariz. — May 28, 2010) Attorney General Terry Goddard today urged lawyers from the U.S. Justice Department not to file a federal lawsuit against Arizona’s new immigration law.

In a meeting at the Attorney General’s Office, Goddard told the federal government’s lawyers that Arizona “needs solutions not lawsuits.” He said that if the federal government decides to bring a lawsuit, “Arizona will fight back.” The new law will take effect July 29.

The Justice Department lawyers came to Phoenix to meet with state officials as a precursor to possibly filing a suit that would challenge the constitutionality of the law, also known as Senate Bill 1070. The federal lawyers made clear that no final decision has been made about filing a suit.

The political nobody, Jan Brewer, who inherited the top position after Obama asked then-Governor Janet Napolitano to run the department of Homeland Security, has seen her popularity explode after signing the bill. The wave of anti-immigrant ill will poses her as a shoo-in for election and for continuing as Governor of the state.

So this law appears to be precious property of the Governor. So much so, it seems, that she’s gotten maybe a little paranoid and bug-eyed over it. Especially since she’ll be running against a familiar name in the controversy over the legislation: Terry Goddard.

The meeting between federal officials and the Arizona AG proved to be too much for Brewer to wonder about — she just barred her own Attorney General from getting anywhere near her meal ticket:

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer abruptly suspends state’s attorney general from illegal immigrant law defense
May 28, 2010 | 11:22 pm

A sudden new twist in the ongoing rhetorical and legal struggle over Arizona’s tough new law to round up illegal immigrants.

Late Friday night as the Memorial Day weekend began, Arizona’s Republican Gov. Jan Brewer, in effect, suspended the state’s Democratic attorney general from defending the new law in upcoming legal challenges. The measure, known as S.B. 1070, is due to take effect this summer and, among other things, allows local police under federal guidelines to check the immigration status of people they stop . .

“Due to Attorney General Goddard’s curious coordination with the U.S. Department of Justice today and his consistent opposition to Arizona’s new immigration laws, I will direct my legal team to defend me and the State of Arizona rather than the Attorney General in the lawsuits challenging Arizona’s immigration laws . .”

When federal law enforcement officials, likely at the behest of Eric Holder, meet with the Arizona Attorney General to discuss the law, it’s a “curious coordination” to plot against Jan Brewer. Or so Jan would have you think.

I imagine it’s safe to say that clumsy, anti-immigration Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is no media genius. It’s probably safe to add that she’s no political genius, either. But it’s certainly now safer to say she’s neither after the release of this silly commercial.

She and her staff thought it’d be a good idea to go after her national liberal detractors through the viral and social media. Unfortunately, this was the best they could do: a dirt-cheap frog fist-puppet, an amateur voice-over (likely a staffer or hack production assistant) so poor that it’s unintelligible, and a 3-line tune devoid of anything resembling rhythm or rhyme. All against a backlit-only background that our Mexican Home Depot locals could’ve painted and pounded out in 90 minutes. This is a statement by the people “driving the debate” on our national immigration policies: