Why can’t conservatives understand comedy? No one knows. Yet they continue to make these weird, puzzling political cartoons. It’s mysterious. These things don’t make sense. They are misspelled. They are badly drawn. And still, I get the feeling your typical wingnut sees one of these and blows snot bubbles on himself. Why? The gods know.

As always, the first slot goes to Eric Allie.

His name is Todd Akin. I figure these sprites don’t actually like politics, they just like to draw pictures. Badly.

A political cartoonist’s life, how hard can it be? Take the controversy of the day, slap it with a “racist” sticker. Go to Starbucks, take another nap.

Chuck Asay takes a stand. Big Bird should starve. Or he’s an ethnic, take your pick.

In Chuck’s world, hippies run around and say pot smoking should be “safe, legal and rare.” Or they never do that, but marijuana is as bad as abortion. I don’t know.

A Republican president would jump in Israel’s tide of violence. And look at poor Bibi, drowning while America films a Tampax commercial. Makes you want to start a war, doesn’t it?

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Spliced is two years old, comes from Canada, and totals only 26 episodes. It’s shown on a TV channel, Qubo, so awful that, between He-Man and She-Ra abominations, it runs minutes-long self-promotions, like e-mails from crotchety ‘fans.’ And good luck finding Spliced by accident: it runs on digital broadcast at 1 a.m Pacific.

But it’s maybe the best little cartoon since Bugs Bunny.

Anyone out there who runs a decent TV channel: wouldn’t you love to improve your program line-up? Wouldn’t the world be better with more of this quirky, lovable cartoon? Please?

I’m into politics. You too. So how’s about we take a quick gander at the political world?

Hey, it says here dying Ethiopan kids have something to say about politics. They do?

Zziiing! My golly. That’s the point. And who knew that children dying slow, painful deaths could be so funny? Color me pleasantly surprised.

Wait — here’s another. How about this one?

Funny too. Politics is comedy.

Of course, when you realize one Rupert Murdoch newspaper is targeting its cartoons to silence criticism of another Rupert Murdoch newspaper, it loses some edge.

Why aren’t Conservatives funny? Why don’t they ‘get’ comedy? Why are their attempts at it so bizarre? Comedy Autism. It’s the dread disease that afflicts those who support Sarah Palin, swear Barack Obama was born in Nairobi, or think George W. Bush is really smart. It’s a serious thing, but it causes them no pain. And it fascinates us.

So, here we go. Here’s our latest review of examples of Comedy Autism. We look at the political cartoons of right-wing professionals and we scratch our heads: why the spastic likening, the mixed metaphor, the backfiring irony? Why can’t you guys draw Barack Obama? It is a deep mystery.

As usual, we start with Eric Allie.

There she is, seeing Weinergate online. And there Weiner is, in front of her, also. And there’s a guy with a notepad. Why? Because autism is mysterious. Nice Jew-nose, incidentally. Moving along . .

Here, Allie pokes great fun at Obama’s controversial immigration legislation. Do you, by any chance, know what it is? Me neither. But Latinos would hate it, I bet. Speaking of burning issues . .

. . there’s this. Damned National Labor Relations Board. And that other thing. Totally! Good job re-purposing a tragedy that killed hundreds of people, btw.

Brian Farrington:

There’s no alternative to waterboarding. That’s why we lost World War II.

Ok, switch to Ken Catalino. This guy’s so bad, I did an entire edition on him.

Statue of Liberty. We put that 15-foot masterpiece where again — downtown Cleveland?

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Courtesy of Mike Huckabee and Learn Our History.

Funny. I’ll have a few things to say about this, later.

Been a few months since the last installment.

This would be a special edition, for a special artist. One so ignorant of the makings of comedy — ticklish metaphors, biting satire, keen irony . . spelling — he deserves an entire post dedicated to him alone. This is an especially autistic political cartoonist.

So, ladies and gentleman, without any ado, I bring you Ken Catalino:

A routine sin for autistics. Simply draw the person you don’t like, and have him say something stupid. This is how 7th graders make fun of people.

Like so. Ken also doesn’t grasp that we treat different countries differently.

Another sin. Conservatives typically deal only with other Conservatives, so they get lazy. Why not skip the pretense and get to the point: embarrass the president, will ya? Did Obama stiff a waiter, somewhere? No. But he’s a jerk.

Pat downs are for security. Taxes are for . . screw it, the President sucks.

Sometimes, these things are so ‘Inside Conservative Baseball,’ you’re not even sure what’s the point. Are the winners knocking down the door? Will the door hold? Are the usual politicians safe? Damned if I know.

Try interpreting this one. Do I assume Conservatives are unhappy with condoms? The rendition here couldn’t get any more vanilla. It’s mysterious.

This is unfortunate. Catalino can’t spell.

You’d think he’d have an editor. Or a friend. Someone who can read English.

Also unfortunate. Catalino doesn’t even understand the issue. He thinks ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ protects gays. Thus, abolishing it is expanding it.

Here, he can’t even draw a scanner. Sad.

Okay, the appetizers are done. Now we get to the meat and potatoes of wretched cartooning: bad metaphors.

Drowning in debt, and hitting the ceiling. Except the ceiling is also ‘debt.’ Damn.

Republicans believe in ghosts. That’s why we’re stupid.

Timing is everything. Why wouldn’t experts give Obama a ‘political’ prognosis before the election? I would think he’d be in a hospital by now, at least. I have no idea what Obama or the newspaper is sitting on, incidentally.

All sorts of messed up. Again — why would Democrats avoid the President after they lose? The very next day, Obama called it a shellacking, so does Catalino follow politics? Obama is also out of gas? Democrats are going to the Olympics?

Take that, weirdo Democrats. If I recall the story, good vanquishes evil, everybody gets exactly what they wanted, and the President arrives back home, safe and sound. Touche, sir.

Mixed metaphor. He’s a ‘vampire’ so he’s an ‘empty suit.’ By Catalino’s trailblazing sense of comedy, he could draw that for any person or issue. Except a vampire, because then that’d be sort of funny.

Classic. Mixed up everything, with useless commentary to boot. Get rid of the thought bubble, the sign, and ‘DEMS,’ and you’ve got a perfectly good cartoon.

Note who’s at the wheel. Note anybody at the wheel.

And finally . . this. The Democrats have chainsawed the Republicans’ ears and tusks. But their tax-cuts still defy gravity (dashes?). So yes, of course. No explanation needed. It’s pretty obvious.

A semi-regular installment. It’s been a while since the last one, so this is an extra-large edition.

Why don’t Conservatives understand comedy? Why are metaphors and irony and the like an utterly foreign language? Why do they keep making attempts at it anyways? These are eternal mysteries. Gawk at the strangeness along with me. Starting with Gary McCoy:

Your 7th grader could do better! So what!

It’s why I voted for him.

They pay Gary to comment on politics. Well drawn. Brian Farrington, too:

Kill baby, kill.

Happy Earth Day! Damn liberals . .

. . and their stupid ideas.

Whose fault is it that gas prices are high? Yours.

If it had been the Bush administration, no one would have forced Goldman Sachs into hearings. Then there’s no hypocrisy, right?

When you’ve only got a few thousand nuke-tipped missiles left, you’re a wuss.

And when you won’t call in a nuclear airstrike on this guy, you’re a wuss.

Pedophile = gay. Glenn McCoy = oblivious.

Politicians and their spending. We will “pay pay” for that.

Politicians and their spending. Sheesh!

. . double . . triple . . quadru . . errr, hmm.

Liberals trying to save the planet. Hah, stupid. NO — stuck up. Yeah, that’s it.

A Bar Mitzvah is a rite of transition. 26 year-olds in grad school are losers. See?

If Lisa doesn’t stick that ‘Warning’ sign in there, how will anyone ever get it?

BP is helping Obama spend government money? Or BP’s money? A better President wouldn’t spend money on the disaster? Okay.

Steve Kelley, AKA ‘dorky’.

H00t!

Those losers are into chicks. Remarkable likenesses.

Women. And last, as usual, Wayne Stayskal. Posted without comment this time to allow to you wallow undisturbed in his craft. You have never been as bad at your job as Wayne is at his:

Always like to begin with Eric Allie . . .

Hoot!

Cheney has attacked Obama over and over again. Obama has never responded. But never you mind, it’s the President who’s a coward.

Remember that woman? Who drowned? That was funny.

Lisa Benson’s a class act, too.

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Here we go again:

CHANGE! Eric Allie, a regular. And running with the meme that Obama threatened to close Offutt Air Force Base unless Ben Nelson supported the healthcare bill. Does anyone know why he made the threat a file? Paper doesn’t bleed, Eric. Coulda just put a horse’s head in the bed and marked it ‘Offutt AFB’.

Oh, the subtlety. Ahmadinejad mocks Obama, then assaults him, and then Allie puts words in Obama’s mouth to make him look foolish, and then inserts an editorial comment to blast the same words that Allie made up. What, Eric, too chickenshit to hang him from a tree?

Everybody knows the economy’s awesome. And Steve Kelley’s about as witty as it gets. Watch:

Hoo!

Stop!

You’re killing me! Conservatives find Tiger hilarious.

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It is a puzzle, these people and their sense of humor. I can’t tell you how often these ‘cartoons’ leave me absolutely bewildered. Obviously, it somehow makes sense to them, and that’s even more puzzling.

Once again, part of a semi-regular installment, it’s ‘Conservatives and Comedy Autism‘…

Eric Allie is a regular. And he can’t even spell. Pelosi is an image ‘consutant’, and she’s working with Hitler because I have no idea. Couple years back, some liberal jerk should have made this exact same cartoon, but with Tom DeLay instead of Pelosi. It would have been just as random and hilarious.

Larry Wright is so obviously funny…

…and he gets funnier all the time.

Now there is a burning issue. Gary Varvel.

This guy, Wayne Stayskal, might be the biggest mystery of all…

…how the hell did this guy end up as a cartoonist?

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Today’s victim, ‘cartoonist’ Gary McCoy.

McCoy only had to inflate the number a million times to make it worthy of ridicule. Either that, or he’s a total moron. And using fly-ridden African kids with their bellies distended is really funny.

Yup, this exchange really needed to be drawn. Gary drives it home with his animation.

I get it–Hilton is gay. Awesome.

‘Referenced himself’? This is how Russians talk? Sounds more like a dumb American. Russia, incidentally, is a ‘semi-presidential republic’, not a socialist country. And this is the Ruble:

Awesome.

Boogies on.

More Ian Patrick.