Category: C’mon help ol’ Gil out here…

Who has November 9th in the James Comey deadpool?

Oh dear fuck me. More of this crap.

CNN’s Carl Bernstein said that the FBI’s stunning announcement that it assessing new emails pertinent to its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s private email server wouldn’t have happened unless “it was something serious.”

“Well, there’s no question that the e-mails have always been the greatest threat to her candidacy for president, that her conduct in regard to the e-mails is really indefensible,” said Bernstein…

“We don’t know what this means yet except that it’s a real bombshell,” Bernstein continued…

OOOH. Did you get a kick out of that? Did it AC/DC your frisson? Did it Freebird your amygdala? Boy howdy, brand new emails pertinent to its Clinton investigation! Conduct in regard indefensible! Trump is right! Watergate!

Yeah okay, but wait a minute. Carl? Are you deploying explosives because she had an e-mail account? On her own server? And then she…e-mailed some people?! Is that what’s so “indefensible”? Because that stuff is not remotely a “bombshell.” The kids call that a “spitwad.” Or a “musty fart.” Or lulz, “SRSLY?”

But if you want to know actual facts for yourself, nowadays, and learn the crazy new things, as you once did long ago back when you were, if I remember, a journalist rather than a chintz TV psychic and scandal-chucking pundit, then OK here:

The disclosure by the Federal Bureau of Investigation late on Friday, October 28 that it had discovered potential new evidence in its inquiry into Hillary Clinton’s handling of her personal email when she was Secretary of State has virtually nothing to do with any actions taken by the Democratic nominee…

There is no indication the emails in question were withheld by Clinton during the investigation, the law enforcement official told Newsweek, nor does the discovery suggest she did anything illegal. Also, none of the emails were to or from Clinton, the official said. Moreover, despite the widespread claims in the media that this development had prompted the FBI to “reopen” of the case, it did not…

The e-mails just now discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop were neither to nor from Hillary Clinton. The candidate is also not under investigation, nor has the previous investigation been “reopen”-ed. Try grokking that, Carl.

Frankly, an FBI director’s behavior is supposed to be better than this. For Comey to insert his bureau into the election this way without clarifying what the hell he’s doing, or what in god’s name he’s looking for, is appalling. He’s gonna lob a bombshell! at the country then go kick back in his condo, maybe watch some baseball. I’m sure no one will get the wrong idea about Hillary Clinton, and oh by the way what’s she done with herself lately? What’s that? For president, you say, really? Jeepers, who knew? November 9th he should be canned.

Because I’m a helping sort, and god willing he’ll need a new hobby soon, here’s a little something he can sink his teeth into:

Clintons’ New Chappaqua House Renovated Without Permits

From the lawless Clinton files: it seems the Clintons can’t bother to obtain permits for renovations on their new Chappaqua house…

Maskiell…said as he headed to the basement to talk to the contractor, he noticed the kitchen, floors and walls appeared to have been recently renovated and new electrical fixtures were being installed in the ceiling…

A Clinton spokesperson did not return requests for comment.


Venn diagrams are EAZY hard

Candidate Clinton ptew tweets shit at the enemy d’you feel the heat?

…I mean if you were The Congress you’d be all like OH NO a tweet from someone running for ZZzzzzzz. Some folks are really very good at pissing in the wind.

And Washington Post then comes in to flaunt their genius.

What’s that?

FiveThirtyEight’s Ben Casselman put it succinctly on Twitter: “This isn’t remotely how Venn diagrams work.” (His tweet, as of writing, has more retweets than the Clinton campaign’s.)

He’s right. A Venn diagram is meant to show the overlap between two groups of things — ideally, to scale. One problem with the Clinton diagram, for example, is that “gun owners” in this context is a group that exists entirely within the universe of “Americans.” What’s more, if the overlap is meant to be “supports universal background checks,” the overlap should cover 90 percent of the circle of “Americans.”

The ‘circle’ is ’90 percent of Americans’. So we should overlap the whole thing? Der? But certainly a WaPo writer should feel unencumbered at all times in whatever mocking duties they self-prescribe to taint other people as stupid. Completely fuck-all. Like, really?

wapo venn fail

Note: The title of this second-grade finger pointing, from WaPo’s The Fix column, natch, is unfailingly – wait for it, waaaaait – We fixed Hillary Clinton’s terrible Venn diagram on gun control. Because stupid Hillary know-nothing Clinton wouldn’t have a clue what a “Venn Diagram should have looked something like” if she’d tripped over it in the sandbox. Har! C’mon!

Haha snootface. Candidate cat brains. Our graphs are red hot, your graphs are doodley squat boomp boomp. BY THE WAY there is an additional atom sized footnote, a mild little meaningless ortlike bugscale tangent. Ahem:

(We didn’t use circles, because we didn’t feel like doing advanced math to calculate the size of the curved overlap.)

When we make a Venn Diagram WE don’t “use circles.” Mmkay? Got that? But do feel free to widdle and diddle my smartypants brain dong. Go willy and/or nilly on the ole’ Clintoris. Because journalism n’ me we just done fixt ya whole life, that’s right.


The Glass Joe campaign

Remember the first fighter you had to take on in Nintendo’s Punch Out? You could wink at the flighty Frenchman Glass Joe and he’d go down like a ton of bricks. He wasn’t as remotely resilient as, say, Von Kaiser, the krafty kraut, or Piston Honda. As a result he took a vicious braining every time he stepped in the ring. And yet day or night, whenever you turned the game on, he was there. Ladies and gentlemen, Gllaaasss Jooooe.

Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio is downplaying his performance in the four states that held GOP caucuses marco rubioor primaries on Saturday…

“Here’s the bottom line,” Rubio said. “There will be more delegates awarded in Florida than basically any other state that voted tonight combined. It’s a winner-take-all state… I’ve explained repeatedly this is a proportional process and every night that we have caucuses like there were tonight in three states, we continue to pick up delegates.”

Did Rubio just say ‘Florida’? Who is he kidding?

Donald Trump 44.7
Marco Rubio 26.0
Ted Cruz 12.3
John Kasich 8.3
Ben Carson 4.7

It may be his home state but he’s going to get slaughtered. You can bet that at 7:01 p.m. on March 16th Donald Trump will very publicly point and laugh at Florida’s junior senator, the little loser. Maaaarrco Ruuuubiooo…


I’m a driver I’m a winner. Things are gonna change…

…I can feel it.

COLUMBIA, S.C. — Jeb Bush, who sought to join his father and brother in winning the White House, suspended his campaign for the presidency Saturday night after a long year-long slide in the polls and a disappointing showing in the South Carolina primary…

“Tonight I am suspending my campaign.”

If you’re wondering why ¡Jeb! never caught ¿fire? with the voters here’s a hint:

“I congratulate my competitors that are remaining on the island.”

He just. Said that.

Please clap.


Why, rancid populism? You’re soaking in it.

Now that the gabber-puss grapefruit has tied our poor Pauline to the tracks the National Review sees itself fit to leap into the frame stage right carrying a pair of red white and blue rose shears. My goodness what a development! And it was just past the nick of time…

…he is not deserving of conservative support in the caucuses and primaries. Trump is a philosophically unmoored political opportunist who would trash the broad conservative ideological consensus within the GOP in favor of a free-floating populism with strong-man overtones.

Look at this awful horrible no good man:

Trump’s political opinions have wobbled all over the lot…He has exploited the yawning gap between elite opinion in both parties and the public on immigration… Sometimes he wants to let Russia fight ISIS, and at others he wants to “bomb the sh**” out of it… His obsession is with “winning,” regardless of the means — a spirit that is anathema to the ordered liberty that conservatives hold dear… Indeed, Trump’s politics are those of an averagely well-informed businessman…if you have no familiarity with the relevant details and the levers of power, and no clear principles to guide you, you will, like most tenderfeet, get rolled.

dumping donaldThis ‘Trump’ is amoral and unprincipled. He has no idea what America’s problems are nor is he interested in solving them. He’s a loudmouth populist who will say anything to appeal to the unwashed masses who have overrun the right-wing. Well! What a white-hot indictment of conservative politics — and of the snarling seed-fruit who has so shamefully brought it down.

This last ditch effort of National Review’s is written by The Editors, meaning Rich Lowry. I have to wonder how Rich managed to get himself into this sorry position. How did he end up having to kneecap the 2016 Republican front-runner in order to save His America?

I don’t expect to hear anything from him regarding that. Because it wasn’t eight years ago that he watched a completely amoral and unprincipled newcomer bring a say-anything style to the presidential race in order to appeal to the slackjaw imbeciles. And lo-and-behold if it wasn’t Sarah Palin who flabbergasted The Editors.

I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, “Hey, I think she just winked at me.” And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing.

Is there any more rancid person in national politics than Palin? I’m thinking but I don’t have an answer.

It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America. This is a quality that can’t be learned; it’s either something you have or you don’t, and man, she’s got it.

Rich Lowry went apeshit for her. And what exactly is the difference between Palin and Trump? Here it is: He’s better at this horrible crap. She’s a little more obsessed with the military – that’s about it. Lowry thinks he can swoop right in and save the day but the Trump nomination has been in the making for many years. And if there’s anyone to blame for the Horror Named Trump you can start with the anti-intellectual immigrant-bashing unprincipled know-nothing cynical fuckwad, Rich Lowry.

Trump boasted Saturday that support for his presidential campaign would not decline even if he shot someone in the middle of a crowded street.

“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters,” Trump said at a campaign rally here.

Douche? It’s all too late. Way too late.


The morning daily equivalent of Sobibor

Powerline blog to the rescue! Heyward and Assrocket break down the door of the New York Times and wrest pitiable Jews from their evil clutches. A grateful commenter notes:

What was it they used to say about the Times? That it was a newspaper owned by the Jews, run by the Catholics to fool the Protestants?

This should be good.

NY Times Launches Its Jew-Tracker

The New York Times today offers up a table examining the Democratic (but not Republican) Senators and House members opposed to Obama’s Iran agreement, noting whether they are Jewish and the proportion of Jewish constituents in their state or district. Like this:

jew-tracker graphic

To be accurate, that NYT graphic was under the “Senate” part of the article. You can see the “10% of all Sens.” part there at the top. So it wasn’t entirely about “the Democratic (but not Republican) Senators and House members opposed to Obama’s Iran agreement.” Anyway gas chambers and rail cars and of course, yes, do go on.

Nice that they use yellow highlight for this feature. Only thing missing is the Star of David in place of an asterisk.

JOHN adds: Wow. This is…unbelievable.

UPDATE by JOHN: The Times must have caught a lot of heat, because they have revised their chart to delete the “Jew” column, although the Jewish population percentage is still there…

These people have really lost it.

You get the feeling that conservatives feel a need to defend the chosen people, you know? And when the liberal New York Times starts singling out their own Democrats for criticism you can be sure that right-wingers will point out it’s a form of Jew-hate.

Deborah Brown

…It’s useful information about how Jewish Americans, an important Dem plantation group, may be responding to being shafted like this.

James DeCamp

Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr., Jewfinder-general.

Rich Cole

Iran must own stock in the Times. They are diffinately pulling some strings there. Boy, talk about anti-Semitism.

But of course, there’d be no point in the New York Times going after the Senate Republicans who opposed the deal. Those people are rock solid and pro-Israel, and you could never intimidate any of them, Arthur Jew-Tracker. And, also, they don’t exist. Yes there’s that fact, there are no Republican Jews in the Senate. None. Heyward and Assrocket didn’t mention that.

What about that other chamber? Couldn’t the Times have Jew-tracked all the Republicans in the House of Representatives? Do you mean…Lee Zeldin? The New Yorker who just joined last year? I suppose they could have made a graph out of only Lee, but that sure would have looked funny.

I find it puzzling the way Powerline began this defense of “the Democratic (but not Republican) Senators and House members.” They could just as easily have written about “the twenty-eight members of Congress (not named Lee Zeldin).” It’s also unfortunate that they didn’t get into some discussion about why the Republican caucus looks like a radioactive monkeymouse to many Jewish people, politicians included. Because that would have been enlightening.


(Jeb Bush) Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?

Jeb has got the family’s deep generational and criminal ties to the right-wing machine, so no one is dismissing him this early in the going. The 2016 Bush campaign has already raised about $100 million, which is a helluva start. But this isn’t doing him any good:

On Monday, Fox’s Megyn Kelly asked Bush, “Knowing what we know now, would you have authorized the invasion?”

“I would have,” Bush answered, “and so would have Hillary Clinton. just to remind everybody. And so would have just about everybody that was confronted with the intelligence that they got.”

Knowing that ISIS will eventually take it over and slaughter tens of thousands of civilians, Jeb still believes the invasion of Iraq is a swell idea. You can see why he’s ‘The Smart One.’

“I emailed [Jeb] this morning and I said to him, ‘Hey, I’m a little confused by this answer so I’m genuinely wondering did you mishear the question?’” Ms. Navarro said in the interview. “And he said, ‘Yes, I misheard the question.’”

In the interests of fairness, let’s once again look at it. Jeb was asked “Knowing what we know now, would you have authorized the invasion?” Sixteen syllables, and it threw him for a loop: “YES.” And saying that he got confused won’t make rank and file Republicans feel any better. It won’t exactly set him apart from his brother. “What know now, do invasion?” Is that really better? Don’t laugh – in this fopo panel of Alley Oop Jeb replies with a “Hnngh” and his mammons shovel him another $25 million.

She said that when people heard the “entirety” of his answer it would be clearer.


“I interpreted the question wrong, I guess,” Mr. Bush said.

Being tossed a Bush family skeleton will do that to a guy. Sean, we were only talking foreign policy. And I’d just begun to tell Megan my plans for world peace when suddenly I heard…‘Iraq’ NIAGARA FALLS. Slowly I turned…

When Mr. Hannity asked about the 2003 Iraq invasion again, in yes-or-no fashion, Mr. Bush said he did not know what the answer would have been, saying, “That’s a hypothetical.” Then, he seemed to go out of his way to absolve his brother, former President George W. Bush, who ordered the invasion: “Mistakes were made, as they always are in life,” Mr. Bush said.

Yes let’s go with that. A hundred thousand dead, two million refugees on the run, the Middle East a mess and life is hard.


Legendary rock n’ roll failure to America: You’re doing it wrong.

Scott Stapp, lead singer of the worst rock band in Earth’s long and glorious history, is apparently broke. Hungry. Destitute. And living in his truck down by the river. And it’s just now come to his attention that you’re a stupid with a stupid head and your stupid head doesn’t love Jesus the way that he does. Which is the reason why Stay n’ Wash can’t really get out those tough greasy stains, or the reason why America is dying a harrowing spiritual death.

In a rambling video previously posted to his Facebook page, Scott Stapp — former lead singer of the band Creed — lamented the “soul sickness” that pervades America “because God has been removed out of American culture and relegated to churches.”

You might recall, in 1999, back when Scott could get his blowjobs videotaped, or back when Scott could get a blowjob, how America had been forced into praying to Scott’s God on a daily basis at school, or at work, or while listening to the worst crap anyone had ever heard on the radio. But not nowadays. Not now that everything is different. And not in some whatever trivial ‘I have no money and I just drove my truck into a river’ sort of way. In a REAL country-wide sort of way:

“We’ve taken God out of everything , we won’t allow our kids to pray to Christ or God in our public schools, but we sure will make allowances for Muslims and Hindus and Buddhists to have their freedom of religion, ” he said. “So we take Christianity out but then we inundate our children’s minds with the freedom of religion for everybody else. I mean, we’re humans, we’re made up of body, mind and soul.”

I mean if Freedom of Religion doesn’t require Christianity for everyone, what about us, the humans? What about our souls, man? These are fascinating questions, for which I have no answers.

Stapp continued, “Right now, we’ve got a generation of children and people all the way up into their forties who have a complete soul sickness because God has been removed out of American culture and relegated to churches. Except it’s printed on our money, because what I’m starting to realize is that’s really what’s become the God of America: money.”

This money-god thing being the reason why Scott doesn’t mind at all that he’s bankrupt and living in a rusty ’83 Ford F150 down by the river, and he hates fishing. Oh but No. Rather what I meant to say was that he’s completely obsessed with getting his millions of stolen rock n’ roll dollars back from that damned ten-penny grifter. You know, the nice-enough guy who had the gall to ask ‘Hey man what’s that behind you?’ and then fly Scott’s former life off to Brazil. Where the con-man and Scott’s former life now live in a hotel penthouse and do it doggystyle all day, while they listen to Nickelback. And while they spend Scott’s money eating Scott’s shrimp cocktail and they laugh. OH how they laugh. The end.


The marks and scares I carry with me

It’s always good to be reading the writings at Townhall.

Today is George W. Bush’s 68th birthday. A man who, according to his father, “faced the greatest challenge of any president since Abraham Lincoln.”

Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, would disagree. 60 million dead people too.

Now here comes a clever typo. Put on your skepticals and see if you can spot it.

His presidency will be forever scared by the Sept. 11 terrorist attack and the Iraq War…

If I could weep with your tears, by God I would. I stand here before you, friends, on this auspicious occasion to announce the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library. Thank you, one and all. Situated beneath Crawford Texas’ biggest bed, the building was constructed on a foundation of chicken feathers and quaking Jell-O. It also features a water fountain that turns yellow on the hour, every hour, and emits a startling sound much like a London blitzkrieg siren. Admission: five dollars. Children and draft dodgers, free.

US President George W. Bush reacts as he tries to open a locked door after a news conference in Beijing


Even Microsoft thinks Microsoft sucks (I agree…)

I’ve been locked out of my e-mail for two days now.

Microsoft: Microsoft help desk. Are you having a problem with Windows?

Me: I can’t get into my e-mail. Something about a security code?

Microsoft: Ah yes. We’re updating our security. You need an assigned security code now to access your account.

Me: I assume I can get one from my account, like through my settings.

Microsoft: Yes sir.

Me: But you’ve locked me out of my account.

Microsoft: Yes.

Me: Right.

Microsoft: So we’ll have to send you one.

Me: Please don’t say you’ll send it to my account.

Microsoft: We could send it to your account.

Me: Of course.

Microsoft: But we’d prefer to send it to another account.

Me: I figured that out from the two hours I’ve spent so far clicking through an endless series of screens, all of which kicked me out of Hotmail.

Microsoft: Do you have another account?

Me: I do.

Microsoft: Good.

Me: It’s a Hotmail account.

Microsoft: Oh that’s no good.

Me: Because you guys aren’t secure?

Microsoft: I didn’t say that.

Me: But that’s the reason why.

Microsoft: We’re only updating our security.

Me: You wouldn’t want to verify an unsecure account with another unsecure account?

Microsoft: We’re trying to provide you with the best security possible.

Me: So you need a third account.

Microsoft: An account from another provider.

Me: Any e-mail as long as it has nothing to do with Microsoft.

Microsoft: Right.

Me: And you don’t see a problem with this?

Microsoft: Excuse me?

Me: Asking Yahoo to do Microsoft’s job?

Microsoft: I’m sorry?

Me: Microsoft’s own accounts are so bad that they need another company to verify them.

Microsoft: I didn’t say…

Me: Microsoft can’t secure its own e-mail but its pretty sure that Yahoo can.

Microsoft: All we need is…

Me: Yes another e-mail address, anything that isn’t Microsoft, I get it. But I don’t have one.

Microsoft: [silence]

Me: [silence]

Microsoft: We need another e-mail account.

Me: I don’t have one.

Microsoft: [silence]

Me: [silence]

Microsoft: [silence]

Me: The last person I talked to said I should go to another provider and open an account.

Microsoft: Yes, then we can send the security code to that account.

Me: Then I can get back into my e-mail.

Microsoft: Right.

Me: And there’s no other way.

Microsoft: There’s no other way.

Me: And why wouldn’t I stay there?

Microsoft: [pause] Pardon me?

Me: Why wouldn’t I just stay with Yahoo?

Microsoft: [silence]

Me: Why not close my two Hotmail accounts and go with somebody who knows what they’re doing? Like Yahoo.

Microsoft: Umm…

Me: Microsoft is pretty sure Yahoo knows how to do this stuff. E-mail. And security.

Microsoft: [silence]

Me: [silence]

Microsoft: All we need is a …

Me: Never mind the evidence you have that I’m me – two separate accounts to draw upon, one of them is like ten years old, you don’t trust yourself. So that’s not good enough. Here I am telling you that I’m me, but you don’t trust me either. So that’s not good enough. You want me to go over to Yahoo and open an e-mail account there, then you’ll e-mail that account, and then everything will be fine. The security problems will be taken care of. After all they’re Yahoo, right?

Microsoft: [silence]

Me: [silence]


Where Krauthammer embraces SCIENCE to prove SCIENCE is stoopid

Charles Krauthammer has become so venerable a figure on the right that he seems to have been promoted into permanent status. A man with an endless gig. So should Obama proclaim an ‘I Like Ants’ day of observance, the Conservatives Fighting Ants lobby will flash-publish a couple magazines, one featuring a scowling Krauthammer on the cover and the other highlighting his page-one screed. As far as they’re concerned he probably knows more about Theoretical Physics than even bugs, so Chuck’s a no-brainer here.

Climate Science. National Review. Along came Jones.

“The debate is settled,” asserted propagandist-in-chief Barack Obama in his latest State of the Union address. “Climate change is a fact.” Really? There is nothing more anti-scientific than the very idea that science is settled, static, impervious to challenge.

This is Krauthammer’s gig: Blinding brilliance. What’s crystal clear he holds up to the light like tarmacadam. We know the world is warming and that there are fundamental forces involved in driving this disaster, and we know what these are, and they come without controversy among scientists. But Chuck will have you know: The latest fine-scale modeling is in dispute. This is interesting to him. He will ignore that though the Theory of Gravity was tinkered with today it was not rendered as to make his furniture float to the ceiling. SCIENCE goes on like this, with the fundamental understanding of a thing in place and the details being moved around. Rather than pay heed to any of that, Krauthammer reads USA Today.

It was long assumed that mammograms help reduce breast cancer deaths. This fact was so settled that Obamacare requires every insurance plan to offer mammograms (for free, no less).

Now we learn from a massive randomized study — 90,000 women followed for 25 years — that mammograms may have no effect on breast-cancer deaths. Indeed, one out of five of those diagnosed by mammogram receives unnecessary radiation, chemo, or surgery.

Now he’s learned from a new…study. How many of those, from climate meteorologists, has he laughed at? And what about the 150 years of studies on evolution? *cough* Chuck scrapes the dregs of his intellect to find enough SCIENCE to fell the SCIENCE of cancer screening. Then he wields the same weapon to dispense with all of Global Warming going back, what, a hundred years?


I am Thomas J. Perkins. Millionaire.

I am Thomas J. Perkins. Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.


Writing from the epicenter of progressive thought, San Francisco, I would call attention to the parallels of fascist Nazi Germany to its war on its “one percent,” namely its Jews, to the progressive war on the American one percent, namely the “rich.”

I am Thomas J. Perkins. The Jews once ran Nazi Germany. I own a mansion and a yacht.


From the Occupy movement to the demonization of the rich embedded in virtually every word of our local newspaper, the San Francisco Chronicle, I perceive a rising tide of hatred of the successful one percent.

I am Thomas J. Perkins. Param Sharma and Paris Hilton are successful people. I own a mansion and a yacht.


We have, for example, libelous and cruel attacks in the Chronicle on our number-one celebrity, the author Danielle Steel, alleging that she is a “snob” despite the millions she has spent on our city’s homeless and mentally ill over the past decades.

I am Thomas J. Perkins. Soap opera vérité writer Danielle Steel divorced me, so I became ex-husband number five. I own a mansion and a yacht.


This is a very dangerous drift in our American thinking.

I am Thomas J. Perkins. I once killed a French doctor.

“I was arrested and tried in a foreign court in a language you don’t understand, by judges indifferent – or worse – to justice, represented by an inappropriate lawyer with the negative outcome preordained.”

And got fined $10,000 for manslaughter. Then I bought Jimmy Page’s Sussex castle and then an even bigger yacht. The biggest yacht in the world.


Kristallnacht was unthinkable in 1930; is its descendent “progressive” radicalism unthinkable now?

I am Thomas J. Perkins. The Dirty Digger prints my letters. I own a mansion and a yacht.