Days before the November election, Tucker Carlson’s garbage shop rolled this out:

Two women from the Dominican Republic told The Daily Caller that Democratic New Jersey Sen. Bob Menendez paid them for sex earlier this year.

In interviews, the two women said they met Menendez around Easter at Casa de Campo, an expensive 7,000-acre resort in the Dominican Republic. They claimed Menendez agreed to pay them $500 for sex acts, but in the end they each received only $100.

. . The other woman recounted, with apparent bitterness, receiving from an intermediary only $100 of the $500 she had been promised. “He lies,” she said of Menendez. “He says one thing and does another.”

He even welches on his whores! Let’s not vote for this guy.

Well, it didn’t work, Menendez got re-elected. That didn’t stop the Daily Caller from keeping at it though, piling up lurid stories on and accusations against him: –Long-time escort. –New call girl charges. –Prostitution spree. –Only 16 years old. Actual DC headline: “Dominican prostitute: Sen. Bob Menendez ‘likes the youngest and newest girls’” Also: “Bob Menendez’s hometown a major sex-trafficking destination” Even his hometown was into hookers!

Well, we learned today that the whole thing was a smear job. A professional political hit.

The Washington Post:

An escort who appeared on a video claiming that Sen. Robert Menendez (D-N.J.) paid her for sex has told Dominican authorities that she was instead paid to make up the claims and has never met or seen the senator, according to court documents and two people briefed on her claim.

The woman said a local lawyer had approached her and a fellow escort and asked them to help frame Menendez and a top donor, Salomon Melgen, according to affidavits obtained by The Washington Post.

And Tucker hyped the ‘scoop’ as big election news. It was actually a conspiracy.

The escort, Nexis de los Santos Santana, 23, said in an affidavit she was hired by lawyer Miguel Galvan to do a taped interview with journalists in mid-October. Galvan explained to her that a false account was needed for a divorce case. De los Santos said she was surreptitiously taped implicating Menendez, Melgen and prominent Dominican lawyer Vinicio Castillo Selmán, Melgen’s cousin, in hiring prostitutes.

“Those are my words and that is me, but it does not reflect the truth,” she said in her affidavit.

In his statement, Galvan said the other attorney misled him about the purpose of the tape, saying he was working as a divorce lawyer for a client and simply needed someone to confirm infidelity on tape.

Now we get to see who was behind the crime to pay Caribbean hookers to subvert democracy in New Jersey. It’s a good thing they chose the Daily Caller for their conduit because, you know, complete joke. Otherwise this could have been a serious and sad episode, where the defeated Menendez, career over, could only say “I told you so” for the rest of his tarnished life.

Breaking news. A political earthquake shakes our nation down to its foundations tonight. Justice Antonin Scalia’s body was found hanging with the President’s monogrammed towel wrapped around his neck. Blah blah something something:

MEDIA FOLLOWS OBAMA’S ORDERS TO MOCK SKEET-GATE SKEPTICS
John Nolte | Breitbart.com

Some of you younger folks might not remember this, but there was a time when the media questioned Power. No, really, once upon a time, the media saw it as its duty to be forever questioning and skeptical of Power, especially when Power was in pursuit of more power.

Perfidy and blood-drenched Skeet-Gate? Yes, this photo:

Look at that. What a historic scandal. Obama shooting at something but not at skeet. Shooting is not the same as skeet-shooting, jackals. OH the White House thought they could away with that. But John Nolte was too smart, so now he has to murder the President. At the very least impeach his guts out, then kill him.

There are legitimate reasons that would explain the angle of his gun, but….

Because the photo is odd, some are asking perfectly legitimate questions.

But not the media.

They’re mocking the people who only love their dumb stupid country, Dumbfuckistan.

John?

The media and The State are now one.

Through the looking glass, reverse vampires, you know the drill . .

What makes conservatism special? In a sentence, this:

Barack Obama’s Bloodiest Scandal
by Katie Pavlich | News Editor, Townhall | April 15, 2012

Operation Fast and Furious is the deadliest and most sinister scandal in American history.

War is never a scandal. Vietnam and the War in Iraq are gymnastic expressions of military power and therefore, by definition, fine. Really they’re damned impressive if you’d like to know. Also they’re not bloody. That pertains to something other than what you think. It’s a thing that certain people do when its politically advantageous. Like innocent Mexicans, very suddenly. Now you know.

A scandal so big, it’s worse than Iran-Contra and makes Watergate look like a high school prank gone wrong.

Additionally: When the actual President does something bad, like when Nixon directs the government to destroy the Democratic Party’s chances in the 1972 election, attack his political enemies through the IRS, destroy his critics by stealing their psychiatric files, then launches a massive cover-up to avoid jail, that’s like a “high school prank.”

The trophy-hunting of Sandra Fluke. How long has it been going on now, two full weeks? Since it’s going so swimmingly, there’s no reason for anyone to stop now.

Pictured (l to r): Jew lover, Jew

Credit your American-Liberty pals, the rabid anti-Marxists at the graph. They sniffed the scheme out. Sure, their expose’ begins in mocking Sandra Fluke’s boyfriend, Adam Mutterperl. But that only lasts a couple of graphs. The next one thousand, six hundred words fairly rip the scales from your eyes, revealing a vast agency famished for power: the Dirty Leftist Jews.

The term BIll O’Reilly used to describe [father] Bill Mutterperl is “Democratic stalwart”. However, as soon as I heard his name in a story about Sandra Fluke, I almost choked, due to my sudden epiphany. Why? Because anyone familiar with Boston and New York political history knows about the wealthy Mutterperl family’s long tradition of supporting the typical Jewish variant of socialism.

Pray tell. What would that be?

I’ll let Woody Allen give you the basic overview:

(Transcript of the video clip: “What’s your name… Allison… You’re like New York Jewish, left-wing, intellectual, Central Park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps and the father with the Ben Shahn drawings, really strike-oriented. Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself… No, that was wonderful! I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.”)

Blogger Brooks uses the “imbecile” quote without a shred of Allen’s self-awareness.

Allen’s description probably describes Adam’s childhood, right down to the Ben Shahn drawings.

With that, we’re off and running:

The Mutterperl family, via Adam’s great grandfather Sol’s handbag fortune, established the “Mutterperl Scholarship Endowment Fund” in 1951 for Brandeis University. This school, as some people call it, is named for Louis Brandeis, a secular Jew, Zionist, and United States Supreme Court Justice appointed by Woodrow Wilson.

You don’t say.

Since Sol is credited with creating the women’s handbag market, and was a wealthy manufacturer and proprietor of those goods, he and his wife, Susanne, lived at 22 Central Park West in Manhattan for a time, and then at 350 Central Park West. Not too shabby, Mutterperl!

You’ve done well for yourself, mein herr.

Sol was also supportive of unions and was the Director of the United Jewish Appeal (now The Jewish Federations of North America) a Jewish “social” organization. From the JFNA website:

The Federation movement, collectively among the top 10 charities on the continent, protects and enhances the well-being of Jews worldwide through the values of tikkun olam (repairing the world), tzedakah (charity and social justice) and Torah (Jewish learning). [emphasis in original --ed.]

There’s that “social justice” code word again. Jewish Socialism is linked to a very progressive concept of the above tikkun olam. New Bedford, MA, where Raphael Mutterperl ran the family’s manufacturing arm, was a hotbed of Marxist trade-unionism in early 20th century America. Why? It was easy to “sell” radical trade-unionism to a whole people group who were brought up in the lap of Weimar Marxian ideology . .

[Weimar note: Brooks has argued before that Adolf Hitler was also a pro-union Marxist, but of fascio-spice. Given all the Nazi mementos you can still dig up outside Stalingrad, I'd say he was in error.]

You’ll recall that Paul Volcker, mentioned in Bill’s bio, was Obama’s bank bailout architect, advisor, and appointee. I know! Random, right?

The Government Banker! The picture’s nearly complete. A greedy Jewess?

Adam’s mother is Nancy Mutterperl. According to the California Secretary of State, she’s involved with a company operating in Beverly Hills, CA as Charlotte Lu, LLC. They specialize in jewelry that runs from $300, to nearly $4000.

Good! Now tie them in with the other Dirty Jews:

Oh, as a complete aside, check out Adam’s grandpappy, Martin Mutterperl, hanging out with Cass Sunstein’s, (another Obama appointee, Regulatory Czarina, and overall radical leftist) great-uncle, Alexander Cass Sunstein, and Samuel “Subway Sam” Rosoff, the guy who killed one of his detractors over a labor union spat, in Palm Beach back in 1965, at the Ambassador Hotel (see: photo below).

Purely coincidence, I’m sure, since they’re all associated with Marxists, socialists, and trade-unionists of Eastern-European, Jewish, descent.

Traitors!

There are some other interesting names in this list. Can you spot them?!

Conspirators!

Just kidding. Move along. Nothing to see here, hobbits.

HOBBITS. RABBITS. FLUKES.

SURPRISE: There’s already an Adam Mutterperl thread up, courtesy blogger Brooks’ post, at Stormfront.org. For the blissfully unaware, Stormfront is the legendary internet clearinghouse for all things Nazi and white supremacist:

Re: Sandra Fluke’s Boyfriend, Adam Mutterperl, And His Jewish Socialist Family

---

You mean that cheap Jew is costing his girlfriend $3,000 in birth control?

If he doesn’t bring a condom, he should be sent home to play with his dreidel.

Law students should just be sterilized during their first year to make sure they never reproduce.

Thousands upon thousands of incidents of child rape and molestation perpetrated across the globe. Decades, if not centuries, of the Catholic Church shielding priests from prosecutions. Shuffling deviant criminals from diocese to diocese to hide them from public exposure. Enabling the criminals to rape and molest again.

Sound like crimes against humanity to you? It sure does to me. The Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP) filed the claim:

An international group for victims of sexual abuse by Catholic priests has asked the International Criminal Court to prosecute Pope Benedict XVI and three other senior Vatican officials for crimes against humanity . .

They called on the court “take action and prosecute the Pope and three other high-ranking Vatican officials for their direct and superior responsibility for the crimes against humanity of rape and other sexual violence committed around the world”.

This is a legal effort to be applauded. The crimes committed by trusted members of the clergy amount to unqualified evil. The victims are the most fragile, most vulnerable members of society. The children and teens are citizens of essentially every country in which the Catholic Church operates. And Vatican officials not only refused to stop it from occurring and to stop it from re-occurring, they acted directly to allow it to continue. What else do we need to know?

“Crimes against tens of thousands of victims, most of them children, are being covered up by officials at the highest level of the Vatican . . The Vatican officials charged in this case are responsible for rape and other sexual violence and for the physical and psychological torture of victims around the world both through command responsibility and through direct cover up of crimes. They should be brought to trial like any other officials guilty of crimes against humanity.”

Simple as that. Look at the crimes committed and the actions taken by the church, and this is clearly a case worthy of The Hague’s attention. And if you think Pope Benedict didn’t do anything wrong, think again.

Reverend Stephen Kiesle tied up and molested two boys in a church rectory in 1978. He was caught, tried and convicted. When Kiesle himself asked to be removed from the church, the Vatican did nothing, effectively retaining him as a priest. When California church officials pressed the Vatican on Kiesle, their highest “morals” official, the future pope, Cardinal Ratzinger, intervened:

This court, although it regards the arguments presented in favour of removal in this case to be of grave significance, nevertheless deems it necessary to consider the good of the Universal Church together with that of the petitioner, and it is also unable to make light of the detriment that granting the dispensation can provoke with the community of Christ’s faithful, particularly regarding the young age of the petitioner.

For the good of Ratzinger’s church, Kiesle must stay. He wasn’t ejected from the priesthood until 1987. He’s in prison today, for child molestation.

“He admitted molesting many children and bragged that he was the Pied Piper and said he tried to molest every child that sat on his lap,” said Lewis VanBlois, an attorney for six Kiesle victims who interviewed the former priest in prison. “When asked how many children he had molested over the years, he said ‘tons.”‘

The New York Post (yeah, I know) says that friends of the former I.M.F. head, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, have found the maid’s family in Guinea. They’ve offered her relatives a pile of money to make the attempted rape case go away.

Strauss-Kahn’s pals bid to pay off woman’s kin
By ORON DAN in Tel Aviv and LAURA ITALIANO and BOB FREDERICKS in NY | May 24, 2011

Friends of alleged hotel sex fiend Dominique Strauss-Kahn secretly contacted the accusing maid’s impoverished family, offering them money to make the case go away since they can’t reach her in protective custody, The Post has learned.

The woman, who says she was sexually assaulted by the disgraced former head of the International Monetary Fund, has an extended family in the former French colony of Guinea in West Africa, well out of reach of the Manhattan DA’s Office.

“They already talked with her family,” a French businesswoman with close ties to Strauss-Kahn and his family told The Post. “For sure, it’s going to end up on a quiet note.”

Prosecutors in Manhattan have done their best to keep the cleaning woman out of the reach of Strauss-Kahn’s supporters, but the source was already predicting success for the Parisian pol’s pals.

“He’ll get out of it and will fly back to France. He won’t spend time in jail. The woman will get a lot of money,” said the source, adding that a seven-figure sum has been bandied about.

Sure, it’s absolutely disgusting that he could away with it by these means. But, if you’re the maid, it’s a good thing.

Having to go through an extended trial, getting tortured by all the accompanying New York media assholes (like reporters from the Post), having to get up on the stand, in front of the world, and describe what happened to you — it’s bullshit. None of this is her fault, she never asked for this.

Getting a bunch of money, that’s better. If it pulls her family out of poverty, if it allows her to quit her job and go to school — if she ends up becoming an attorney pressing sexual harassment claims against the future likes of a Strauss-Kahn — that’s a preferable result.

Yeah, she could fight her way through the trial and then sue, but that could take years. The circus will become a knock-down, drag-out war to consume her life. Hell, who says she’ll even win the legal case? The guy’s one of the world’s richest, most powerful bastards. Take the money and get out.

The wingnut smear machine approaches peak stench vortex. Someone as atomically pro-business, as capable of destroying poor third world countries through brutal austerity measures, through transferring mountains of cash from the poor to the rich, has got to be a terrific guy.

The counter-blame for the damaging, disgusting, baseless accusations that International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn sexually assaulted a maid in a posh hotel fly at convenient targets.

Actor, Nixon employee and wingnut dullard Ben Stein does his part:

In what possible way is the price of the hotel room relevant except in every way: this is a case about the hatred of the have-nots for the haves, and that’s what it’s all about. A man pays $3,000 a night for a hotel room? He’s got to be guilty of something. Bring out the guillotine.

You can imagine the destitute and homeless spying upon the ultra-ritzy Sofitel hotel. Once someone has the gall to check into the place’s priciest suite, they send up one of their operatives (a “maid”) to forcibly fellate the guy. That is entirely likely.

I am sure she is a fine woman. On the other hand, I have had hotel maids that were complete lunatics, stealing airline tickets from me, stealing money from me, throwing away important papers, stealing medications from me. How do we know that this woman’s word was good enough to put Mr. Strauss-Kahn straight into a horrific jail?

No doubt she’s a fine woman, but she could be a criminal lunatic. Could be a double agent, working to both clean and dirty the rooms. Might slyly sanitize things both for your protection, and to try to kill you. These are all entirely and simultaneously possible.

Super-French philosopher genius Bernard-Henri Levy throws in his two Francs:

I do not know—but, on the other hand, it would be nice to know, and without delay—how a chambermaid could have walked in alone, contrary to the habitual practice of most of New York’s grand hotels of sending a “cleaning brigade” of two people, into the room of one of the most closely watched figures on the planet.

. . it’s so simple. The insurgent housecleaning staff subdued Strauss-Kahn’s cleaning crew and locked them in the trunk of a waiting linen hamper. Mmmphphmmph. Meanwhile, climbing up the dumbwaiter was their most dangerous agent . . DOUBLE-O-LIMPIAR (licensed to debase herself). In the matter of, oh, two minutes, the operation was over. He had ejaculated on her uniform, and she had been spirited off by hovercraft to an Interpol station.

You know, all this tingly detective work reminds me that some of the usual villains are missing from the plot. How about the Jews?

Fear not, fans of predictable suspense — Power Line blog to comes to the rescue:

Comedian Robert Klein captures something of the pride and insecurity of the Jewish people with a bit that seems to erupt from his subconscious. In his most recent HBO special he advises the audience: “Bernie Madoff — not Jewish. I hear he’s really Episcopalian. Jack Abramoff, not Jewish. Sully Sullenberger is Jewish. I know his family, from Boston. They’re herring merchants.”

I thought of Klein’s list yesterday. Now he can update it with the addition of IMF Managing Director and accused rapist Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Dominique Strauss-Kahn — not Jewish. Hey, his name is Dominique.

Heh, oops. It was in New York, after all.

[SHIT! IXNAY ON THE EVOLUTIONRAY!]

Why they want to homosexualize the military
By Tim Dunkin | December 17, 2010 | RenewAmerica.com

We all know that people on the Left are the great destroyers. There is not a single institution in this great land that they do not want to tear down, demolish, devastate, obliterate, and annihilate. There is not a single just and righteous law that they do not seek to subvert and overturn. There is not a single needful tradition that they don’t desire to delegitimize and replace with abject nonsense. The object of all this effort on their part is power — pure, unadulterated power

Whoooooooo? Us? Nooooooooo. [Sssshhh.]

“A man with a gun is a citizen. A man without a gun is a subject.” If there is anybody who knows the truth of this statement, it is the Left. Deep down inside, they know that an armed, independent populace is the main thing that prevents them from being able to openly step in and establish their control.

Oh, pshaw. Go ahead and have your guns. What do I care? Of course, your beloved little daughter will accidently shoot herself. Oh, those curious little kids, very sad. My, what to do. Yeah, hmm, maybe you’d like to toss your .38 Special into a receptacle for safe keeping — just for the moment? Try those blue boxes on your street corners, yes, very handy, pop ‘em right in there. And you just let us know when you really need them, then we’ll get them back to you — pow! — in a flash. [Heh heh, POW, right.]

That’s where the military comes in. The Army has a lot bigger guns than the police do. While disgruntled gun owners may be able to use hunting rifles and shotguns to fend off the police, tanks and helicopter gunships are quite another matter.

Tanks, guns, bombs — whatever. What the hell would I know about any of this shootie thingie stuff? I’m just a regular old liberal, dopey dooby dooooooo. I try to get rid of ants by smothering them. With kindness.

The obvious answer, then, is to alter the composition of the military. And how better to do that than by making it a place where all those flag-waving patriotic regressives who just can’t get with the program won’t want to be?

Mmm, huh? Come again? I was just listening to a Richard Simmons on World Peace podcast. I just loooove him. He’s got an inner strength I very much admire.

This, perhaps, is what lies behind the insane drive to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and to homosexualize the U.S. military. The Left has been driving at this for years, under the guise of “civil rights” . .

[Damn it!] Err, what? OOOH, uhh, I said . . ‘SLAMMIN!’ Heh, this six cheese quiche is really something, I simply must have Hector give me the recipe, the little tongue-teaser. TWEET IT TO ME, HECTOR, AND TAG IT @WouldnaSmarmAFly. And voila, that’s little old me! Cheese!

. . if DADT is repealed, fully 1/8 of the U.S. military will leave. That translates into several hundred thousand persons. Persons who can then be replaced by out-and-out homosexuals. Homosexuals who, typically, have an antipathy towards flag-waving, God-and-country style conservatism.

Oh, don’t be silly. Not that many soldiers will up and leave. And the ones that do stay will get used to the new Army eventually. You know, the one where you get plenty of kisses while you sleep, and everybody showers with their penises erect, and they’re really clean because everybody keeps soaping them over and over and over while you’re around, and anybody who jumps into a foxhole with you immediately screams ‘Yoohoo!’

And as more gays join, more normal people will leave or will simply not join in the first place, until you have a military that is made up of two types of people — homosexuals and the morally weak who just “go with the flow” and won’t stand on any sort of conservative, traditional principles. Exactly the type of military force who will go along with disarming and subjugating the American people.

. . whaa — WHO said THA — what the…? That’s some kind of CRAZY. I DO NOT HAVE TO STICK AROUND HERE WHILE YOU BAD-MOUTH OUR ARMY. You should be ASHAMED, sir . . . I have never been so insulted . . .

As predictably as the sun rising in the East, the right wing have begun to laud and defend James O’Keefe.

Because a guy who conspires with three of his fellow conservative idiots, two of whom dress as telephone repair men and demand access to Senator Mary Landrieu’s phones and electronic equipment, is a great American. Why wouldn’t he be?

Free James O’Keefe By Ben Stein on 2.1.10 @ 6:09AM

. . The men, under the leadership of a young media impresario named James O’Keefe, were querying why constituents of Sen. Landrieu had been unable to register negative feelings about Obamacare on the Senator’s phone line. They had been told that perhaps the phones were out of order…

The New York Times had a front page story about the men and their conservative college pranks. At the top of the story was a photo of each of the men in prison orange.

This was presumably to humiliate these men…

You can blame the police, too, for that cheap humiliation. Jerks.

I don’t see it that way. These men were journalists trying to get a story. They didn’t even touch a phone as far as I can learn. They were undercover reporters and TV operators. But that doesn’t matter. Their real crime was disturbing the peace and quiet of the nation’s liberal establishment and embarrassing ACORN. For this, these young overeager guerrilla journalists are charged with a federal crime. (“First Amendment? What’s that?”)

“Illegal? What’s that?” Remarkable. I’m sure if four liberal moonbat mudslingers invaded Senator John Cornyn’s office and got arrested for the same ‘journalism’, Ben would write an editorial. And it’d be the opposite.

Also, poor little Jimmie:

Interviewed on Fox just moments ago, Andrew Breitbart claimed that alleged Landrieu phone tamperer James O’Keefe “sat in jail for 28 hours without access to an attorney.”…

Breitbart complained that after the news of the arrests broke last Tuesday, O’Keefe’s attorney and Breitbart himself were being called by the media but they could not locate O’Keefe — “and that’s because he was sitting in jail without access to an attorney,” Breitbart said.

He accused the U.S. attorney of leaking information to the media in a “concerted effort” to frame the episode in a way that would put O’Keefe in a bad position.

Maybe O’Keefe put O’Keefe in a bad position? No?

He screwed up. Why can’t he accept blame, apologize and pay his debt to society? Why are Conservatives angry with everybody else except the guy who screwed up? Why proclaim your ‘values’ to be sacred and then forget them?

Strobelight ethics. When you’re a Republican, brickbats stand taller than values.

That’s hillbuzz.org, jazz hands.

Someone a few thousand miles away called the main blogger there a racist and he or she responded by turning bullshit, posting the names and addresses of blameless people like the terrific Rumproast‘s Kevin K..

HillBuzz has gone spiraling apeshit ever since, pulling in big wingnut traffic and donations by calling the few graffiti a wide-ranging and variably integrated Soros-Obama-DNC conspiracy. Yes, because a HillBuzz blogger isn’t wholly cerebral sunflower Cheeze-Whiz but a steely sniper of presidential power.

Anyway, aside from blogger ‘hillbuzz’ being a stupid fungal asshole, the site’s currently as funny as you will find.

Firstly, what the hell sort of hard right-wingers love Hillary Clinton? No, not kidding, that’s the ‘Hill’ in the name. Conservatives crazy for Hillary Clinton are HillBuzz.

Secondly, nothing and no one aren’t out to get them. The paranoia runs so deep that even the most innocuous comments get the Neo/Matrix treatment. It’d be overblown if it were satire:

“HB, may I ask why you like Hillary so much, and also Sarah. I know you started supporting Sarah as a protest against the nasty Obama people against Hillary. But now you sound like a loyal fan of Sarah.
Their politics are entirely different. Hillary wants public healthcare, Sarah not. Hillary for big(ger) government, Sarah not.
What areas of the democratic ideology that you gave up or will not relinquish? Hard to imagine you turning away only becuase of the base behaviors of the liberals, unless integrity trumps ideology. You said to vote them all out. No one on dem side worth saving because of personal integrity?
Just want to understand.
Thank you for helping our camp.
Take care.”

. . 2 . . 3 . .

TROLL DISSECTION 101: How to break apart a concern troll’s posting like it’s made of astroturf and Legos

This is such a weird concern-troll comment, left on a thread tonight, that we just had to let the comment stand, instead of deleting it, to break it down for you and also ponder WHAT exactly is the intent of leaving something like this.

Here it is, in full, from a poster calling herself “Penny Long”:

[. . above . .]

This is such a great example of concern-trolling, we’re going to breakdown, line by line, what’s going on here. It’s so textbook David Axelrod, he might have even written it himself.

The post goes on for three thousand words. And when the bastard ‘Penny Long’ starts typing out insidious rhythms, hillbuzz gets it:

LINE THREE: But now you sound like a loyal fan of Sarah.

This line is strange because there’s no “now you sound” or “but” about this. We’ve always been a loyal fan of Sarah. Since before Day One, which for most of the rest of you was August 29th, 2008. See remarks above, we were on the Palin Express before the train tracks were even built.

This is CLASSIC concern-trolling, folks.

People who love music could help us with this analogy, we’re sure, but if you don’t focus on the words so much, but just get a sense of the beat in this question, there’s a certain rhythm to it, almost like a haiku.

Like this:

HB (gets your attention), two loud sounds, BOOM BOOM

May I ask you why you like Hillary so much: Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba baba ba ba

and also Sarah: DA DA DADA.

Some more of the ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba beat.

Then: BOOM (But), DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DUM.

(But) BOOM

I take off my beret to you, Conservative Columbos. I wish I could say it was all a misunderstanding on your part, it was just your indulging a fitful imagination, you and your ‘crazy talk.’ I would have loved to pull out an old chestnut like that one, but, look, you’ve just got us beat.

It’s time that we did what we never, ever do–tell the truth. And that is this: you have us cold. Yes, we did it. We were trying to damage you. We were trying to embarrass you. We were trying to knock down your nation, the United States of America. And, in so doing, we were hiding the shocking truths about our sordid political ambitions and lives from getting out into the world where horrified Americans would recoil at our hanging around, asses stuffed with balloons of heroin, wallets spilling over with kiddie porn and all. But you found us out, and you exposed us, and you put a stop to our best-laid plans to tear this nation apart. We, after poring over the broken pieces, would be assembling Iranian centrifuges with the remains right about now.

But first, there was the “Stop The Charlie Brown Christmas Special and its Christian Wholesomeness” project. As you know, Charles Schulz’s animated transformation of The Living Bible is a ringing endorsement of the Republican Party, so we figured we’d do something about it.

And we did: we contacted the White House to coordinate an attack on its airing. The President himself decided that he’d schedule a needless speech, at some place like West Point, addressing some odd thing like the War in Afghanistan, opposite the cartoon special in order to get the networks to pre-empt it, blacking the Conservative sermon out.

Yeah, but didn’t you see through that quickly? Republican stalwart and not-at-all-ironically named Mayor of Arlington, Tennessee, Russell Wiseman, called it immediately.

“Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load…..try to convince me that wasn’t done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation about it….w…hen the answer should simply be ‘yes’….”

DAMN YOU, Wiseman, you’re a pest. You Jesus protecting Sonuvabitch. We’d only begun to explore the possibility of staggering the speech’s TV broadcasts across time zones in order to block Charlie Brown nationwide, instead of only on the eastern seaboard. We thought we’d just start by annoying the Peanuts faithful in Tennessee, but Russell was too smart for that. We’ll remember this, buddy.

“…you obama people need to move to a muslim country…oh wait, that’s America….pitiful.”

AAAUUGH–Wiseman again, throwing darts right between our eyes. Yes, we’ve turned your America into a filthy Muslim coven, now, for the love of Saddam, stop mentioning it.

That was bad enough, but then you all figured out this one, too: we have been bastardizing Google. We’ve had our filthy Lucy-diddling fingers all over the innernets’ most famous search engine.

We just couldn’t stand the way you’ve been knocking down our pet projects, one by one, by getting our secrets out on the web. Your writers, pols, and, especially, your bloggers have been frankly too intuitive and too quick for us to handle.

So we knew we had to corrupt the Googly. We called up the proprietors, whoever the hell they are, and told them that searches for popular right-wing terms had to get jerked around from now on. And they said “Well, we are a pioneering internet company, thus, we enjoy the butt sex. Done!”

But only minutes after our “TripleX/Gomorrah/QueryBang 1.0″ program launched, the whole scheme got exposed:

“…So it took an anonymous tipster to set me off on a brewing bit of fraud going in in the Google search service: They are ham-handedly altering the suggested search terms in order to promote a coverup of ‘Climategate.’…

But Google wants us to believe nobody is searching for Climategate despite it being such a big story, but I have evidence that it’s merely a coverup for political purposes.

My evidence is in the behavior of the feature itself. Watch what happens if you type in Climatega, nearly typing in the entire word Climategate:

Well that’s odd. Nobody’s searching for climategate at all. But wait: It’s not showing me words that start with Climatega. Rather, it’s showing me words that start with Climategua. Seems like a bug, right? Like those letters got pointed to the wrong place, almost.

Let’s back it up a letter and type in Climateg…

…still no climategate. Let’s back up another letter:

Well what do we have here? Climate gate scandal.

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